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'AITA for pushing my partner to officially divorce his legal wife?'

'AITA for pushing my partner to officially divorce his legal wife?'

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"AITA for pushing my partner to officially divorce his legal wife?"

I (29F) have a partner (33M) of 1.5 years. When I met him, I knew he came with “baggage” (I don’t have another term that is nicer to use). He is separated from his wife who is also the mother of his children. They had been separated for a number of months before I came into the picture and both of them were confident they’d never reconcile their marriage.

In my area of the world, you have to be separated for one year before you are eligible to file unless you can prove adultery or domestic v^&*%nce. When the one year was up, he showed no intentions to begin the paperwork and so his ex started it. She has incorrectly filed the paperwork twice now and neither of them have shown any interest to try and correct it to be legally divorced.

It’s been 2 years of being eligible to divorce and my partner frequently talks of marriage with me and at this point, I get a little snippy and tell him to figure out his first marriage before trying to make a commitment with me for obvious reasons. I keep pushing him to try and file the paperwork himself but he just says he will “get around to it”.

Though the idea of marrying him isn’t the catalyst for this frustration, it’s more the reason that I have been with him for this long being told he wants this happily ever after with me, but he has no visible desire to be a single male in the eyes of the courts, taxes, etc.. I just want to be with him forever and not have him legally married to someone else.

So am I the as*@$ole for wanting him to try and file the paperwork himself?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

NTA. Him lagging on divorcing his wife is a huge red flag. Like she’s his backup if you two break up. It sounds like he’s not committed to you; especially if this is important to you. But for the overall situation, you’re either an AH or naive to get involved with a still married man.

OP:

I should have prefaced that though I knew early on in the relationship, it wasn’t mentioned until about a month of knowing him. I knew she was his ex and the mother of his children, but I didn’t know he was legally married until ~1 month in. Yes, I’m still the AH to myself for choosing to stay but a connection was already forming at the time I found out.

NTA. You’re not wrong for wanting your partner to follow through on legally ending his marriage, especially after two years of being eligible for divorce. It’s understandable that you’d feel frustrated and hesitant to commit fully when there’s this legal and emotional weight still hanging over your relationship.

His lack of action on something that affects your future together could be seen as a sign of indecision or reluctance, which understandably makes you question his seriousness about building a future with you. You’re asking for basic commitment and closure, not an unreasonable request. If he’s serious about you, he should prioritize finalizing the divorce and showing you that he’s ready to move forward.

OP:

Thank you for your kind and validating words. I hear all the time “will you be with me forever” or “I can’t wait to change your last name” and I’ve learned a valuable lesson here that talk is cheap. Actions will always speak louder than words.

He's been eligible for divorce for 2 years but keeps giving excuses as to why he won't file? Sweetie, you're the other woman. Cut your losses and move on, he's never going to divorce his wife.

For more context OP asked if they were the AH in this, now deleted, post:

I (26F) and my partner (33M) have been together for nearly 1.5 years. He and I get along tremendously well, we have similar interests and I always feel like he is the other half of me. But, we only see each other when his kids are back with their mother and that is my choice.

For the first while in our relationship (approximately from month 6 to month 12), I saw his kids often. But they were poorly misbehaved, would become violent and scream and cry if they did not get their way, and in some incidents I was left with injuries from this.

My partner’s solution would be to offer them something else in a reward-like fashion to try and stop the screaming and kicking toddlers which I think is absurd. So for the past 6 or so months, I have done my absolute best to avoid my partner like the plague when those children are around.

I understand these children are toddlers and they lack emotional regulation and the ability to convey feelings in a civilized manner, but the extremes these children go to because it seems like they feel they can get away with it due to the parenting style my partner has is out of control.

I did make an attempt to see them one month ago and there was a similar situation that came up again. My partner asked his child if he could exit the vehicle to give me a hug and his child proceeded to scream “NO!” and whine which clearly shows me nothing has changed.

Also, if you have to ask your toddler for guidance on minuscule tasks throughout your day, I think there’s confusion in who is the child and who is the parent. As mentioned above, I am 26. I have no children, no previous long term relationship with large ties, so I don’t exactly know how to handle the situation.

But my partner has been clear that he wants to add another child to the mix and I would love to be a mother but I seriously cannot see myself wanting to give his children a younger sibling ever, and I can’t even see myself wanting to live under the same roof as them. I see other kids out in public that are so much more well behaved and I can’t help but wonder is it his parenting or his children? AITA?

Relevent comments taking into account this other post:

I’m sure dating someone who has kids is difficult, but may I ask why you’re continuing the relationship if his kids are a clear barrier for you? I mean what if he proposes? You’re going to just hide away when his kids are around or what?

OP:

I wanted to be able to continue to take the relationship slow and phase myself back into what I did before where I was immersed in the children’s lives. But I want to be in their lives when I see their behaviour is being corrected.

I fully understand these children are more important than I will ever be and I have 0 issue with that. My issues stem from the behaviour they have and the methods used to try and fix the behaviour.

WTF? Why should a kid you never see be forced to give you (who obviously doesn't want them around) a hug? I think you're the problem.

OP:

Perhaps I wasn’t clear. My partner asked his child if it was okay for him (my partner) to give me a hug. I would never force anyone to hug me, especially if they didn’t want to.

So, per your previous comments you hate his kids. He's married, doesn't seem keen to divorce…. You hate his kids. So you're the side - piece who is learning that its not rainbows and unicorns? Dump him, locate your self- respect and move on.

Wait, so she hates his kids, but she’s pushing him to divorce… for what she doesn’t even wanna be a stepmother…

Sources: Reddit
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