'AITA - My partner wouldn't tell me the results of her surgical follow up but posted it on Facebook'
"AITA - My partner (F31) wouldn't tell me the results of her surgical follow up but posted it on Facebook"
FaithlessnessOpen328
So my best friend and I decided that we could no longer dance around the fact that we have effectively been in a relationship for years and decided that we needed to formally acknowledge it and try out what it would be to take our relationship to the next/more official level.
She has had a fairly serious medical condition for most of the time I have known her and earlier in the year she decided to have an experimental procedure the attempt to correct the issue.
It was a very difficult recovery for her and I supported her as best I could through the process and initial recovery as she was able to get back on her feet and get back to work. We have always been very close and many times I was the only person she did not ice out when she just needed a break.
She had her appointment and even told me that she thought it would be bad news and didn't know if she would be up to talking afterwards. I live half way between her appointment and home and told her if she decided to make the trip home that she could stop in and I would make her dinner to break up her drive - I knew she would say no but I wanted to offer.
I sent her a text that night trying to check in then called her the next evening and she said she didn't feel like talking which I respected. I waited a few more days then followed up on our trip plans because if we were going to go I needed to book the place we would be staying.
She said that as much as she wanted to say yes her world had been turned upside down and that she needed time and I told her that I kinda figured but wanted to confirm and that I would be here when she's ready.
Admittedly, at this point my mind went to the worst place - heart failure - because I knew the other outcomes she expected and this had to be worse than those. I told her a few days later that after thinking about it I was going to still plan on going and that if she wanted to the invitation was open.
I wanted her to know if she needed a break to disappear for a while she could. She reiterated that she needed space and that maybe this wasn't the best timing to take this step for us (not outright saying we need to take a step back but there was the implication of it clearly which is fine if thats what she needs).
I told her that whatever we are - or whatever we will be - we will figure it out and be fine. This wasn't about that, it was about her needing a break and that I will be here when she gets back.
We talked pretty much every day before the appointment and then after it we haven't spoken much because I want to give her space and time. She never told me what the doctor said which I was initially okay with and knew she would when she was ready.
Then I get online last night and see that she posted the whole thing on Facebook and announced the results there. AITA for being hurt/upset that she announced it to the world without telling me?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Unique-Assumption619
NAH. Of course you feel hurt, that’s totally normal and natural. You’ve been a good support system for her and naturally, care about the results. She is having an extremely hard time with her illness, which up until now, she’s dealt with as a single, independent person.
So it’s probably hard to make the pivot to “now I have a partner or potential partner I can share this with.” She also sounds confused on her feelings.
She has asked for space, the best thing you can do is it give to her and be there when she is ready to talk. Your relationship has gone into new, unexplored territory with you making something official or even acknowledging your feelings for each other are deep. This sounds like what could be a great, fulfilling relationship, just bad timing at this very second.
Let her process, good news or bad news, she just needs to process her outcome and think through what her next steps in life are. But again, you absolutely can be hurt and upset. This is a confusing time, you clearly care deeply, and sound like you just want to be supportive.
reggiesnap
NAH. She's allowed to ask for space and to not want to have a conversation with you about her medical issues, and you're allowed to feel hurt that she would share this online when she didn't want to talk about it with you.
Playful_Lilyy018
It's understandable to feel hurt and left out. It sounds like you've been a great support system for her, and it would have been nice to hear the news directly. However, everyone processes difficult news differently, and she may have needed time to process before sharing it with you.
PuzzleheadedRoyal559
NAH. And, sadly, I think your feelings are stronger for her than vice versa.
george_the_green
You're not an AH for being hurt. You're a human who gets to feel their feelings. But, she's also not an AH for communicating about this in the way that feels right for her. Sometimes it's easier to just get all of the communicating on something hard done quickly and at once. This feels like it might have been a way to do that fairly impersonally.
And sometimes it can feel impossible to tell those that we're closest to personally. Telling someone something in a one on one conversation can lead to questions, comments, and even verbalized support that might feel overwhelming in an already overwhelming situation.
So, work through your hurt without her. If you want, you could text her, letting her know that you read her post and realize that she's likely overwhelmed, but you're still there for her.
Consider adding in that you do not require a response. I know that there are times when the expectation that a person has to respond to all communications can be exhausting all on its own. Good luck!