'AITA for passing out during a family gathering?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for passing out during a family gathering?"

Ok-Resident2120

So, recently I(27F) had a beautiful baby girl with my husband(29M). She's my pride and joy, I love her more than I love myself. But, taking care of her has taken its toll on me.

My husband promised the work would be 50/50 when we agreed we wanted children, but I don't feel that's being reflected by his actions this past month. It's gotten to the point where I can't even ask him to wash her up without him saying something along the lines of, "My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit. I'll help you out later."

And I get it. His paternity leave is only 6 weeks while mine is 16 weeks, but my nether regions hurt like a monster for a better part of two weeks after the birth and all he could do for me was occasionally burp her.

Now, my baby girl has gotten to a phase where she doesn't want to sleep. She'll sleep for an hour, but then she's up and back to crying and I have to get up and try to soothe her.

It's been happening for a week now and I've gotten so little sleep that I'm nodding off while eating or doing tge laundry and stuff. Saturday was the month anniversary of my daughter's birth, so I decided to gather both sides of the family to meet her.

They hadn't met her prior because, A) I wanted to rest as much as I could and B) I heard somewhere that you shouldn't be taking babies out and about when they're fresh out the womb cause they're more prone to illness then.

So, we had this gathering at my mother's house and all was well. Everyone was cooing over our baby, there was food, people were catching up or meeting for the 1st time. It was nice.

But, I had gotten about 3 hours(generous estimate) of sleep in total the past week and I was starting to feel the effects of it. I was feeling lightheaded and clammy, but I didn't wanna make a scene so I tried to go to a bedroom to lie down.

I didn't take 10 steps before my vision completely blacked out. I wasn't down for long, but I had fallen over which drew some attention. I explained to everyone who was concerned that I was fine and that I was just not getting enough sleep and I could see my husband visibly frown at that.

They gave me some of the dessert my aunt made to get my sugar up and the party continued. I felt embarrassed about the whole thing, especially since everyone was still looking over me til we left, but it's whatever. What bothered me is my husband's reaction. When we got home, he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me".

I was confused on how tf me passing out made HIM look bad, but he refused to explain himself and had a pity party for himself in the kitchen. I was still feeling bad, so I decided to leave him alone and just to go sleep.

But he seems to have taken that as a sign that I don't care about his feelings. He's in my ear this morning about how I just ignored him to go sleep last night and how I didn't even put the baby to sleep before leaving. Is he right? AITA here?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

sophie_Mal

NTA and I can’t call your husband the names I want to because my comment will be deleted. Paternity leave isn’t a time to relax, it’s a time you’re helping raise the baby and spending time together as a family. CLEARLY he is not doing either of these things as A. You’d be better rested and B. He’d have noticed you’re exhausted.

You passing out made him look bad because it was clear to everyone that you’re being left to raising your baby alone. It’s clearly not a partnership and the AH you’re married to is turning it onto you to shift responsibility and blame.

You need to seriously reconsider the relationships future and bring this up with him as it all comes down to him and his behaviour. If he gets his stuff together, then things will be much better. But if he doesn’t, you and your daughter deserve so much better.

awaythrowers97

He doesn't know what "paternity leave" is and doesn't really want to take care of his family. Sadly, you can't seem to shake that loser.

Ok-Future-5257

The whole point of paternity leave is for him to help out, not relax! He makes you work extra hard on taking care of the baby. Then, when you pass out, he sees himself as a victim who looks bad in front of his family? Your fainting is proof that he's NOT pulling his weight! If you trust his parents, show them this post and get their backup in giving him the wake-up call he deserves.

Ok-Resident2120 OP responded:

His parents are genuinely nice people, so that may work. I'm starting to worry about my health at this point and he's refusing to listen to me.

TopAd7154

You made him look bad?! No, sweetie. He's a bad husband and a shit father. That's what's making him look bad. He's using his (very generous) paternity leave ti relax while you do all the work after 9 awful months and the ordeal of labor. NTA and please forward this to your "husband". Let him see what people think of his horrible horrible behavior.

KatersHaters

So during his restful paternity leave, he provides no support, resulting in you getting 3 hours of sleep that week and you pass out. He then gets upset at you for “exposing” his failure as a husband and father, then is angry that you didn’t continue staying awake to talk about his feelings AND left him to put the baby down?! And you’re asking if you’re the AH?!

FFS girl, this man does not care about you. He only cares about himself. Take your daughter and go to your parents. I fear you’re too tired to recognize what’s happening right in front of you. Please get support from your family. This man is toxic AF.

Update 1:

So I've tried talking with him, but he's been ignoring me and the baby the last three hours. I'd usually wait longer, but I'm just too tired to deal with this right now.

You guys were right, I do need help with this, and he's made it very clear he's not ready to help me yet, so I'm just going to go to my mom's place. I'm currently packing. I'm so done.

The next day OP came back with this more complete update:

Hi all, your comments were really helpful, so thank you! Yesterday, before I could Uber to my mom's house, my sister offered to help me, so I'm staying with her instead. She's taking PTA to help me out with my girl, which I'm very grateful for. She also gave me sleep medicine that knocked me out for hours (I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not, but I slept long and well so I don't care.)

I woke up a few hours ago to tons, and I mean TONS, of messages from my husband. Like, the little app icon had 99+ on it. Here are some of the things he said(copy pasted):

You cant just up and f^%&^%g leve with my baby

Come back now pls let's talk abt it. Your actually so f^%$#g immature wth is wrong with you we have one argument and you fucking pretend like I've been beating you why the hell did you leave???? We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch

Pls just come back we will talk and sort this out and we can go back to being happy so come back

I miss my baby girl you can't just take her away

What if I call the police for kidnapping??? Would that teach you wat your doing is wrong???

I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!

As for my baby, I have an appointment to a paediatrician for Wednesday, but for now she's on formula since my breast milk quality isn't the best for understandable reasons. My sister said she wasn't as fussy as I described, so I really think the problem is with my milk. That or my sister wanted to make me feel better for sleeping, who knows. I'll wait for the doctor's opinion.

I'm not feeling 100% but I feel a whole lot more better than before. Thank you to everyone who showed concern! I think this will be the last update since I wanna not think too much about my husband rn.