'AITA for demanding a paternity test before I give $150,000 to my brother for his son’s life saving surgery?'
"AITA for demanding a paternity test before I give $150,000 to my brother for his son’s life saving surgery?"
I'm in an impossible situation and my entire family is treating me like a monster so I need an outside perspective. My (32m) brother Liam (30m) and his wife Sara (29f) have a 1 year old son, Leo.
A few weeks ago he got diagnosed with a serious heart condition called Subaortic Stenosis. There’s a blockage below his aortic valve making his heart work extremely hard to pump blood.
The surgery he needs is complex and costs a huge amount of money, and the leading pediatric surgeon for it is out of state and out of their network. Their insurance is barely covering any of it under OON benefits and after deductibles and coinsurance their share is around $150k. And they just don't have it.
Our parents passed 3 years ago and I was the executor for the estate, just sold our family home and the money was split between me and my brother. Liam has never been good with money and he blew most of his share on paying off credit cards and student debt and the rest was the downpayment on their house. The market being what it is they have no equity. They basically live paycheck to paycheck.
They've tried everything. They have a GoFundMe that stalled out at 6k. They got denied for the hospital’s financial aid because my brothers income was “too high” on his last tax return because he sold some stock and got a year end bonus.
All that money is long gone on bills and child care. The real problem is the timeline, Leo’s last echocardiogram showed his heart muscle is getting weaker and the doctors want to do the surgery in the next 4-5 weeks before it gets too risky.
Not enough time for grants or anything else. So he came to me. I saved my half of the inheritance and I have the full amount. It’s in investments so I'd have to sell off a large chunk of my portfolio to get to it but I can.
My first thought was of course, anything for my nephew. But there is something that's been bothering me for a year and I can't ignore it anymore. I really don't think Liam is Leo's dad.
Liam’s a long haul trucker so he's gone for weeks at a time. Leo’s due date was in late July, so i figured out he was conceived in early November based on LMP. That falls in a three week period when Liam was across the country during that time.
When I brought it up months ago Sara just said it was “none of my business”. Around that same time, her “best friend” from work “Mark” was always at their house. She posted pics of them making dinner and stuff, innocent looking but it was all the time.
And Leo looks nothing like anyone in my family. My family is southern Italian. For generations we’ve had dark hair, olive skin, brown eyes. Leo is pale with bright red hair. Mark is a redhead. It was a huge shock when he was born and it planted doubt.
So, when they asked me for the money, I sat them down and tried to explain it as gently as I could. I told them this money is from our parents home and I need to be 100% sure its going to our family. I asked for a paternity test.
The reaction was hysterical. Sara just started screaming "What is wrong with you?!? how could you even think that?" and just pacing around and cussing me out. Liam was the opposite. He didn't yell or anything he just went completely still and silent and wouldn't even look at me.
He waited for Sara to cry herself out and just stared at the table. I asked him what he was thinking and he looked at me and said "He's my son." I tried to push it, saying I just need to be sure and he cut me off. "The answer is no. We aren't talking about this again."
I told them my position stands. I'll start moving the money and wire it to the hospital the minute I see the results. Until then I can't give away the money our parents worked their whole lives for.
My phones been ringing ever since. Aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone. They only heard Liams side that I'm a heartless monster demanding a DNA test while his son is dying. They all say family is family no matter what and an innocent kid shouldn't pay the price for my suspicions.
So now I'm stuck. They refuse the test. My whole family is ringing me. I feel like I'm being manipulated. Do I stand my ground on this? Should I give in and pay, and tank my financial future and the last of my parents legacy for a kid who might not even be family? I don't know what to do.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your money, your choice. But it doesn't matter how many ways and how many people agree with your willingness to watch a child die, if they don’t meet your criteria. You don't seem to care at all that your brother wants to save his life, regardless of paternity. Prepare for that to follow you to your own grave.
This. I will add its very likely the child is not your brother biological son, and your brother knows it. And yet, he says it's his son. He is clearly raising this child as his son. Your brother is going through absolute Hell, and you are choosing to add to that burden by ripping the facade off something else that is clearly painful for him.
You don't owe him the money. I'm not trying to guilt trip you here, just give you some perspective. If his kid dies without the surgery, it will significantly affect your relationship with your brother. I don't envy you the decision. It's a tough spot.
They need the money you gave them the conditions. Balls in their court. NTA!
Let Mark pay for it.
Right? Honestly if there’s even a chance he’s not the dad, it makes sense to want proof before dropping that much cash. $150k isn’t something you can just shrug off.
NTA. The results would get them the money for the kids surgery and they could also rub it in your face. It’s an insulting request but I don’t see why they wouldn’t do it anyway - unless the kid is someone else’s.
Wow, what a train wreck! I understand where you are coming from but I don’t think I, in good conscience, could let a little boy die because he may or may not be biological especially if I had the money to save him.
Having said this you could give the money but brother HAS to pay it back with a proper legal agreement. What you have said is unfortunately more stress and angst that didn’t need to be added really so yeah you are a bit of an AH. There are more ways to skin a cat as it is said.