AITA for paying off my daughter’s student loans but not giving as much to her brother?

AITA for paying off my daughter’s student loans but not giving the same amount to her brother, who didn’t go to university?

My husband passed away unexpectedly in early 2024 from a heart attack. I received a life insurance payout and have been managing it carefully. Recently, I used a portion (around $60K) to pay off my daughter’s student loans. Now my son is upset, saying I’m playing favorites because I did not give him the same amount of money as his sister.

Back in 2005, my daughter was 18, very bright, but dealing with depression and unsure what to do after school. I pressured her hard to go to university because I thought it was the best path for her.

She wasn’t ready but went anyway to please her father and I. She ended up doing history because it was the most tolerable thing to her and she just wanted to get a degree to get us off her back. That degree didn’t lead anywhere - she worked low-paying jobs for years and accumulated significant debt as her loan value increased due to indexation (similar to interest).

At 30, frustrated with her employment prospects, she went back to university and got a law degree (in our country, law can be done as an undergrad). She now has a good job in that field, but her debt was basically double because of the degree she only did because I pressured her.

I’ve always felt some guilt over that, and now that I’m in a position to help, I chose to pay off her loans. (EDIT because I forgot to mention this: she was in the first few years of her law job paying back more than the minimum than she has to in an attempt to pay them down faster, so was trying to help herself)

Her younger brother never went to university. He’s not academic, has never been very smart, always hated school and dropped out at 15, and I never pushed him the way I did her. He’s been working as a postal delivery worker for years and has no student. When he found out I paid off her loans because I accidentally sent him a text message meant for her, he demanded the same amount in cash.

I told him that I've done this specifically because it's an educational expense. Giving him cash will feel to my daughter like a punishment all over again - her brother gets fun money, and all she gets is the degree I pressured her to do paid off.

And honestly, I don’t think a lump sum would be good for him - he doesn’t manage money well and tends to spend impulsively. AITA for saying no, given that I did this to correct what I feel was a mistake (pushing my daughter into University before she was ready).

Here's what people had to say to OP:

NiNdo4589 wrote:

ESH there's clear favoritism what with "he's not very smart" and "I never pushed him has hard". He shouldn't be demanding money, but I understand the frustration with the preferential treatment. The bottom line is you're clearly investing emotionally and financially to one and not really anything to the other from the sounds of it.

OP responded:

There's no other way to say that my daughter is academically gifted, but he wouldn't have made through in college with his level of academic ability. He didn't finish high school for that reason and refused to participate in tutoring.

If I pressured him to go to college, I'd have been pushing him into a situation where I know he'd fail, and that doesn't feel fair. I did encourage him to go into a trade, but he wasn't interested in that.

ScarletNotThatOne wrote:

NAH. However, your son has a point, and he will feel slighted unless you treat him as equally as possible given that his situation is different. Maybe you could tell him that if he ever buys a house or starts a business, you will help him out at that time. Just so that he knows that his sister isn't the only one you will provide extra support for.

OP responded:

I get that, what makes me feel bad there is that my daughter will once again feel punished because she probably would have preferred help to buy a house now than her degree. But I strongly pushed her into University at 18 and told her I'd be disappointed in her if she didn't finish and kinda made that choice for her....

So I've told my son if he want to get a degree, I will help with that. That feels equal to me. They're both getting offered to have their educations covered.

Strategy-Ancient6770 wrote:

NTA, but I will say that you should look for some way to equalize this. You seem to truly favor your daughter (maybe it’s guilt, I don’t know) and I’m sure your son has sensed that all his life.

You speak negatively about him even though it sounds like he’s managed to make a decent life for himself. You need to show him that you value him and support his choices, as well. Can you pay for education he’d like to pursue? Can you help with a downpayment on a home?

OP responded:

I somewhat do favour her, but that is because she hasn't given me headaches and embarrassment in the form of getting numerous criminal charges the way her brother has. I left that out of the post.

"Can you help with a downpayment on a home?"

My daughter would have preferred a down payment on a home than being pressured into that useless degree, which is why it feels unfair to her. She didn't get a choice (I REALLY REALLY pressured her to the point she felt she couldn't say no), so I'd just be punishing her all over again I feel, so I feel it's fairer to say it's for education only if he wants it because that's the only choice she got.

gurlwithdragontat2 wrote:

NTA - because I presume, the same offer of education would have been made to him. That also includes training for a professional trade, which he was welcome to opt out of. If you are not directly giving your daughter a hand out, nor are you paying for the degree she is actually utilizing.

You are compensating her for a mistake of parenting you made in pushing her when she was not prepared. Now, alternatively, I do think that you should not be shocked by the entitlement of your son if you have objectively not treated them the same in terms of expectations.

And I know that each individual child requires individual raising, but it sounds like you pushed oneto strain and nearly neglected the other when it comes to defining in setting expectations of success.

I do think it could be valuable to make him an offer where in if he is interested in pursuing/transitioning to a trade that requires paid education programs/apprenticeships, you would support him in that?

OP responded:

I would yes, but he isn't interested.

man-w1th-no-name wrote:

Well...this whole situation sucks. how could we fix it? You could pledge that same amount of money towards your son's education. Or put it aside for if he has a child and put it towards their education. Make the same amount of money available, but tie it to education in some form. Tradeschool, online courses...tutors, anything. That, I think, would be the most fair way to do it.

Ok-Apricot6292 wrote:

NTA. It was kind of after the fact, but just tell him you are happy to pay for college (or maybe training for a trade) for him as well. I paid for my kid's college to help them and as an incentive to go. No way would I have just handed over cash.

Unique-Scarcity5500 wrote:

Tell him you're happy to set aside the same amount for educational expenses for him. He can choose to use it, or not.

ETA: NTA.