"AITA for telling my friend I don’t want to plan her wedding if I’m not in the wedding party?"

My friend and I have been really close friends for about eight years now and even were considered best friends in high school. Having graduated and become adults now, we have lost a bit of that friendship but we always pick up where we left off when we do see each other. We’ve done a lot for each other and have overall very similar tastes and so on.

Fast forward to now, my friend shares the news with me that she is engaged. I’m so excited for her and I’m really happy for her future with this man. She tells me she wants my help with her wedding planning and that she finds we have very similar tastes. She says she wants me to do this as I have an eye for this type of thing and that I’m very creative.

Later on however she says that she would love to have me as a bridesmaid but doesn’t have the space for me to be in the actual wedding party. Honestly this really hurt my feelings and I expressed this to her as I thought I would be a bridesmaid.

She tells me she would try to make room for me but I could still be part of the wedding party by helping coordinate, greet people, handing out favors, or something of the sort. I found this to be a bit insulting and told her I would think about it. This role was something I did for my cousins weddings when I was a child like handing out bubbles.

She said she wants help picking out the bridesmaids dresses and that I could wear a different dress in the same color to show that I was part of the wedding party. She doesn’t trust her bridesmaid to plan the wedding and bridal shower for her so she wants me to help do it.

The only thing I would not be planning would be the bachelorette party. I feel like those hours be up to her bridesmaids and I don’t understand why she would want me to be so involved but not actually be in the wedding party. So AITA for not wanting to plan her wedding?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

ProfPlumDidIt said:

NTA. She just wants an unpaid wedding planner, not your help as a friend. It's traditionally the "job" of the bridesmaids to do that stuff, and if she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid then she can hire you but don't do any of it for free.

poddy_fries said:

NTA. Being in the wedding party is traditionally a set of both privileges and responsibilities. If you're not good enough for the privilege, why does she expect you to take on the responsibility? There's probably exhausting social politics afoot here.

joefitts63 said:

NTA. She is not the friend you thought she was. You are good enough to do all the planning and help run the event, but not good enough to actually be a bridesmaid? I don't think so.

And Jujulabee said:

NTA. I hope you have more self respect than to be treated in this manner. You don't have a guest provide you with free labor as a wedding planner AND insult them by saying that you aren't close enough or important enough in my life to actually be a part of the wedding party.

Be glad that you found out that she wasn't really a *good* friend before you invested time, energy and possibly money in helping her with her plans. If she feels you have such great style she can hire you for $100 per hour to help her plan.

Edit from OP:

People keep asking a couple of the same questions. I did not ask to be in the wedding party rather she told me after a couple of weeks of helping her with stuff that I was NOT in the wedding party and her other friends were. These are all recent friends as well so no family obligation etc. They are people from work and college basically.

Secondly, yes I do look different from the rest of them. I’m a different ethnicity but I do not think this is the issue. I do wonder if it is because I’m curvy and they are all thin. I do understand it’s her final say but she wants me to be at the bachelorette, plan the bridal shower, engagement party, help with venue set up, picking out favors, designing invitations, and finding the stuff that fits the wedding theme.

She later shared this update:

Not that anyone is checking in on this but, I went to the wedding and was relatively radio silent up until the wedding. I did do her engagement announcement photos though. When attending the wedding, nobody really talked to me and my partner or acted like they knew who I was. We sat around for about an hour at a table and the other group that was sitting with us ended up leaving without saying anything.

We sat alone for an additional half hour and they skipped over our table when calling for food. I felt extremely uncomfortable the entire time I was there as I tried to approach several people I knew and was ignored overall/no seats left for me. After being skipped for food and there was hardly any left, I made the decision to just leave the wedding altogether.

I got a kinda upset text from the bride asking why I didn’t come so I let her know I was there and made an excuse that I had to leave. I looked at the photos she had posted though and I was in the center of the first one so maybe I’m just a ghost. We are still okay friends but definitely not as close as before and I’ve been the one to mainly distance myself from her.