'AITA for planning to break up with my girlfriend while my kids are at their mom's?'' I just want peace.'
"AITA for planning to break up with my girlfriend while my kids are at their mom’s because I just want peace in my own damn house?"
I (33M) have two kids (5 & 9) and have been in a relationship for about 3 years with a (29F) who now lives with us. It started off fine. Fun, a little chaotic, but I’ve always had a soft spot for people who need “fixing” (yes, that’s on me, I know).
Long story short, she moved in a year and a half ago. Since then, my home, the place I built as a safe, stable space for my kids, has become an emotional minefield. My girlfriend has regular “episodes” where small things, like my kid not saying hi fast enough, trigger huge guilt trips, shutdowns, or silent treatments. Every week feels like I’m defusing a bomb.
When she’s not spiraling, she’s complaining. About work, her weight, her family, my kids mom, the weather, my face, I don’t even know anymore. And when I try to set boundaries or just ask for space, I’m hit with “I’m not respected here,” “You never consider my feelings,” or the classic “After everything I do for this family…”
Here’s the kicker: she’s not the kids’ mom. Their actual mom (my ex) lives about an hour away and we co-parent. I do 95% of the parenting, financially support the house, and keep the emotional landscape steady so the kids have some sense of normalcy. Meanwhile, my girlfriend contributes about 20% of the rent, zero emotional regulation, and a constant cloud of resentment if things aren’t about her.
I’m emotionally tapped out. I’ve already envisioned paying her to leave, literally offering her a few thousand dollars just to move out peacefully when the kids are with their mom. I don’t hate her. I just want to go to bed without bracing for impact.
I want my kids to live in a house that doesn’t silently revolve around managing someone else’s mood. Am I overreacting for planning a quiet, structured breakup during summer break so I can finally feel like myself again?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
CantFazeMe247 said:
Happiness in order: Kids then Yours. If she’s making your life harder than it is then no. Also very respectful and mature for you to do this while the kids are away. If I goes well; have a nice meal with your kids and let them know.
OddOllin said:
No, you're not the ahole. You would be insane to do this while the kids are with you. It makes perfect sense that you're setting up an exit plan. If I was you, I would take extra effort to look into housing laws in your area just in case she tries to dig her heels in.
When you go for it, start by being plain and calm. Don't bargain. Don't feel responsible for her feelings. Don't cave to her lashing out. If she threatens to kill herself, do NOT allow yourself to feel responsible for her safety. If you start to feel that way, you need to report it.
Expect the worst, hope for the best. Do NOT offer her money right out the gate to leave. That is a back up plan, and if it comes to that, you must play it as though it is a huge inconvenience for you. Honestly, I would plan to have all of her shit moved out right away.
Apprehensive_War9612 said:
This sounds like a perfect way to handle it. But once you have her out of the house, you are going to need to sit down with your kids and tell them that she moved out and make sure that they understand completely that it is not their fault. Don’t just let them come home to surprise. She’s not here.
KLG999 said:
NTA. Your priorities are in the right place. You and your children need a peaceful place to live. The only thing to consider is if the kids need a chance to say goodbye. It doesn’t sound like they likely have any positive attachments, they may just be relieved.
All-Together-Coach said:
NTA at all. But make no mistake: she’s going to create a lot of drama because even though she expresses a whole lotta dissatisfaction with your life together, she will throw a major tantrum now that you are taking a stand against her immature behavior.
She’s got to go. I bet your kids have quite a bit to say about her. What you described sounds emotionally abusive snd the longer you let this go on, the more chances you give your kids to begin to become bitter about your choices for their lives.
Plan this well, OP. It’s not going to be smooth at all. Get ready to stand strong in the face of potential love bombing, manipulation, and harassment. The best to you and your kids. They will see that you stood up for them and for your lives together.
Crazy-Age1423 said:
NTA for wanting her to leave. But all this post is about how YOU don't get any peace and can't relax at home...imagine what this kind of environment does to YOUR KIDS when they have lived with it for years in their formative years...and for that you're kind of the ahole.