'AITA for planning international travel without my children?'

"AITA for planning international travel without my children?"

So here's the reality. I have two kids. They are now 14 and 16. I've had 50/50 since I got divorced, up until a few months ago. 4 years ago, my ex wife got remarried and her husband advised her to start a custody dispute.

I spent $165,000 (basically my life savings) fighting for 4 years. For the record, my ex-wife's father is wealthy and paid all her legal fees. (This comes in to play later) The older child told the court-appointed therapist "I want to live with mom and only see Dad every other weekend." The younger one just said they wanted to do 50/50.

The younger one then changed their mind and said: "Oh maybe 70/30 with Mom. I just want court stuff to be over." I went to trial. My attorney fought like hell, but the judge said: "Given the children's age, their preference will take precedence and we won't split them up, as it break their sibling bond."

Well, my wife and I have been planning some travel with some of her friends, her sister and their husbands. It includes 9 days in Spain and France. They picked the dates. We got tickets. The kids found out about it and have been asking me: "We want to go. Why can't we go?" I told my children: "This is something we planned. We saved for."

They asked if it was an adults-only trip. I told them it was not, and their 15-year-old cousin was coming. They said it was not fair we couldn't take them as they know we could afford it, and that it would be their only chance to travel internationally.

I told them: "You’re young adults now. You chose to spend the majority of your time with your mother, and you got what you wanted. But choices have consequences. One of them is that you don’t get to join me on things like this."

They're both very upset. My younger one said: "You're just mad we have more fun at Mom's house." I'm afraid I'm being an ahole here. I'm happy to be wrong. But my gut is telling me what I'm doing is fair.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Impossible_Rain_4727 said:

YTA: You made it about their "choice" rather than their unavailability. You could have simply said "Your mother has court-ordered custody over you during the days of the trip. I can't change that."

Instead you went the blame route. That is petty and aholish. Don't blame your children for the difficult position you and your ex-wife placed them in. They didn't choose the breakdown of their parent's relationship.

gafftaped said:

YTA for how you’re handling this. It'd be fine to go without the children but the way you’re handling it is incredibly petty. You're only pushing your kids away more.

Naive_Pay_7066 said:

I mean, if your goal is to further alienate your kids and worsen your relationship with them, nice work. You don’t give any insight into why the kids wanted less time with you - they may have had valid reasons. With the limited info provided it’s currently reading as YTA.

affictionitis said:

Wow. So instead of examining your relationship with your children (14 and 16 are not "young adults") and maybe using this trip to strengthen your bond with them/repair any damage, you're getting petty revenge? I'm starting to see why they chose Mom. YTA.

wesmorgan1 said:

You're asking the wrong question. You planning a trip without your kids is fine. The real question is "AITA for throwing it in my kids' faces as a punishment or 'consequences of their actions?'" Yes, yes you are - they made those decisions when they were much younger (as young as 10 and 12, right?), and you're STILL holding a grudge. YTA.

ReachImpressive2756 said:

YTA - I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t take them, but it does sound like you are punishing them for hurting you. They are in a very difficult developmental phase and being placed in the middle of a process that is incredibly stressful.

You seem to understand that the custody battle was hard on you as an adult. Why would it be easier or simpler for your children? It sounds like you’re sending the message that if someone has more power and that person’s feelings get hurt, they’re allowed to use that power to punish whoever hurt them.

drgrouchy said:

YTA. You're taking out your animosity against your ex-wife out on your kids. Double ahole.