'AITA for 'platonically cheating' on my best friend by going on a trip with newer friends?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for 'platonically cheating' on my best friend?"
I’m in the middle of an ongoing argument with my best friend. My (f19) best friend (m19) and I have been close for 3 years. I have quite a large social circle but it has always been common knowledge that “Matt” is the person I am obviously fondest of. People know that, and it’s no secret that we spend most of our time with each other.
Things were absolutely fine until this week. I was invited on a 5 day camping trip with some of my course mates at college. We spend a lot of time together and wanted to celebrate the end of semester by saving up to go somewhere. For reference, Matt isn’t part of this group because he does another major.
So it didn’t really come up in conversation before this point because he hardly knows these people, and it didn’t seem like a big deal to me. The trip is scheduled for the start of August, and I told Matt at the start of this week that i was going. He went silent and when I asked him what was the matter he said that it was “weird how I put that much money and time aside for people I’ve only known since September."
I told him that’s ridiculous because we spend a lot of time together as a group and we’re good friends. He still went on to say that we’ve never travelled together and he’s got “two years on them." Then he said it’s like I’m a “platonic cheater." I feel bad because my first instinct was to laugh a bit, because honestly I didn’t expect him to come out with that.
But then he hung up the phone and wouldn’t answer my texts. I don’t know what to do about this because I can’t find it in me to apologise - I’m not a “cheater”, and I feel like he’s making me out to be the AH for having friends aside from him? To be honest I think the reason we’ve never travelled alone is because it’d be a solo trip between two members of the opposite s#x and frankly it’d feel like dating territory.
It’s just not appropriate and I’d rather travel in a group, but Matt’s friends aren’t my friends and my friends aren’t his. It’s not that I think he’d come onto me or anything but I think that’s the type of thing I’d rather reserve for a boyfriend.
BTW this will be my first traveling experience done with friends rather than family.
So AITA for choosing to vacation with relatively new friends instead of my best friend of 3 years?
The comments immediately started rolling in.
quietloverx wrote:
NTA. You are allowed to have other close friendships and go on trips with whoever you want. Matt is acting possessive and framing your choice as betrayal, which is unfair and emotionally immature.
It’s okay for him to feel left out, but it’s not okay to guilt you over it. You’ve done nothing wrong by saying yes to a fun opportunity with your college friends. If he values the friendship, he’ll talk it out once he cools down.
OP responded:
Thank you, I’m trying to assure myself of that but he has been a rock for me so he’s kind of got me thinking I have betrayed him in a way. Which sounds crazy but idk!!
Warm_Willingness4937 wrote:
Well, Matt is obviously into you and not telling you.
OP responded:
Pls no 😭
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
I rang Matt today after reading the comments from the morning and asked if we could meet up to talk in person because I’m not happy about the silent treatment (we argued on Wednesday night.) He said he’ll come over after his shift on Tuesday so ig I’ll update if we resolve? I’ll probably only be doing 1 because I don’t want to drag the situation so 🤷♀️ he didn’t apologise over the phone btw.
The internet had lots of thoughts.
dankzmh wrote:
He seems to think you're his girlfriend or something?
OP responded:
People do often mistake us for a couple 🙁
Salty-Potato-853 wrote:
Girl I think your friend likes you lmao. Why else would someone come up with "platonic cheater" give me a break💀
OP responded:
I thought it was bc we’re so close?? Am I f#$king dense.
bakaocrow wrote:
It's probably because he likes you. But also, that weird clingyness pouting wouldn't be good for any type of relationship. He's seeming off this that he's acting jealous. Are there other dudes going on the trip? If so, bingo.
OP responded:
There are 3 guys 😅 but I am not into any of them in that way really. I mean, one of them kinda had a shot but nothing ever happened so it doesn’t matter. I didn’t mention that to Matt either so he wouldn’t know.
[deleted] wrote:
NAH. I don’t think Matt is into OP necessarily (possible? sure, but there’s no indication of that in the post), and I wish people would stop suggesting that just because they’re opposite s*x best friends.
I have had plenty of jealous friends that weren’t romantically interested in me, and I have been scared of being “replaced” in friendships before (when I was much younger). OP, maybe plan a day trip with Matt? Something that takes a few hours or so to get to so you can go there and back without having to get a hotel room and all that rigmarole.
Go to a city, see some sights, do something fun, eat good food! And have an honest talk about the jealousy. Reassure him you’re not going to disappear or replace him, but you have separate lives and that’s a good thing! It means you’ll always have new stories to share :)
OP responded:
You know, it's a relief to hear you say that because I’ve had that same jealousy over girl friends and I’m completely straight (probably lol) and so it’s not outlandish that he just feels replaced in a platonic way.
Two days later, OP shared another update.
Things are kind of resolved but also up in the air emotionally. In short, Matt came over and it started off pretty heated because I was quite mad. I said he’s completely overreacted and it was really immature of him to ignore me for nearly a week. He didn’t say much and had his head in his hands for a while which made me go quiet.
He kept saying “I know I know I’m sorry I feel stupid”. So I just came out with it and asked if there was something he needed to tell me because I want to know. At this point I was crying lol - a little riled up to say the least! So he hugged me and said he loved me and he was irrational and jealous. Can’t lie I thought we were going to kiss but we didn’t 😭 idk what’s going on here but you guys weren’t crazy.
We talked more about why the trip bothered him so much and he kind of echoed what you guys theorised. He felt left behind, and said out of all his friends I’m the one he values the most and he’d love to do do something like his first friend holiday with me (neither of us are that well off and have only been on a handful of trips with family when younger).
I can’t lie I was very nervous, very emotional. Didn’t want to push it by asking explicitly if he had a crush on me but I do acknowledge that the way we act with each other is a little more than wholly platonic. Maybe it’s just one of those loves where you’ll always have that attachment but it need not materialise into a romantic relationship. Idk im still confused.
Anyway I think he was a bit immature at best, you could argue slightly possessive at worst. He said that when he said “platonic cheater” it was ironic (which explains the theatrical wording lmao) but the jealousy was obvs real. We laughed about it a bit, did a blunt lol. I think we’re okay. I mean I’d love to hear your takes - ik some will say I’m in denial haha.
The internet kept sharing their thoughts.
NonchalantMario wrote:
Are either of you completely happy with this... "resolution" for lack of a better word? It doesn't sound like you are. It sounds like there's still confusion and uncertainty. If there is and I'm saying this from experience, that won't go away until one of you addresses it point blank.
If things are not strictly platonic, are you talking cuddling and kissing or flirting? Is it something you want? You don't have to lose a friend over it, but things will change. They'll probably change either way.
There's nothing wrong with that. Friendships can change and should change, especially as you both get older and settle into adulthood. What you need to figure out is what you want. It won't be quick, and you'll make mistakes, but it'll be okay. Good luck.
chelc4973 wrote:
Do you guys normally say "I love you" or was this a first time??
I think you need to decide if you're interested in exploring a potential romantic relationship with him. Make your next moves from there...
marcolovespol0 wrote:
I think we’re all confused girl but the one thing that is clear is that there’s something romantic going on here. You guys are in love and it might take time to come to terms with that. At least he owned up to the fact he wasn’t being fair, he just didn’t add it’s because of his feelings for you.