'AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL telling her that is due to her?'
"AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL telling her that is due to her?"
Constant-Story-1575
This post is about my son and Amy (my DIL) they have been married for about ten years and have two kids. They are 10 and 6. At the beginning I really tried to get along with her but she made it difficult.
She is not very sociable, and always put her own mom over seeing her husbands side of the family. This is really apparent with holidays and the kids. She always choses to go to her moms for holiday even if I do it on an early day or late day.
If I offer to babysit she always tells me she asked her mom or she would get back to me. The time I do babysit or get to hang out with the grandkids she is criticizing everything I do. Usually saying that not how her mom or how she does it.
At the beginning my son was trying to fix this but gave up. We see him separately from his wife and kids. I truly don’t understand it and I have asked if I did anything wrong but no answer on that.
I gave up trying when my other son had kids. It is so much better and I have a great relationship with my other DIL and the kids. The kids are 9 (Ava my step-grandaughter) and 4 (grandson)
I gave my Ava a family necklaces, that was my mothers. She loves it and has been wearing it everywhere according to my son. That also includes school which started this issue. My DIL called me up and asked why Ava got a family necklace but her daughter (10) didn’t get one. I told her I just wanted to give it to Ava.
She got angry and told me I was playing favorite and that her daughter is older so she should have gotten the necklace. I told her that yes I am playing favorites and it is due to her.
I pointed out that I do not know her daughter because of her. That her kids will not be getting any of my family stuff because of her. This was a huge argument and she called some a jerk and wanted me to give her kid a necklace. am doubting myself on this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Basic-Regret-6263
NTA. What does she want you to do, sue for grandparents visitation rights? Oh wait, she wants to keep her kids away from you, but have you give them stuff. Yeah... pass.
I'd maybe talk to your son, and say that you find it hurtful when his wife keeps the grands from you but also demands gifts. For the DIL, I'd just ignore the greedy bits, and respond to each gift grab with something like "well, it certainly would be nice to see the kids more, do let me know when they're free to visit."
Illustrious_Leg_2537
“Just so we’re on the same page, it sounds like you’re ok with the kids not having a relationship with me but you still want me to give them things. Is that what you’re saying? That my purpose in their lives is just about material goods?” NTA.
GamesDontStop
NTA. It's difficult, but the conversation needs to be steered toward the amount of quality time you're able to spend with your grandkids. She's putting the focus on the gifts that were given when that's the least important part of the relationship.
I wouldn't discuss with Amy about why her daughter isn't getting a necklace. She'll try to poke holes in the argument, come up with counter arguments, and spend way too much time on that point.
The conversations should focus on why you're not able to see your grandkids for the holidays, why you can't babysit them, why you can't spend more time with them.
Hopefully that necklace is causing your granddaughter to pressure Amy about seeing you more, even if its for slightly jealous reasons. And now is a great time for your son to start trying to fix this again; Amy seems to have a renewed "interest."
HandrewJobert
INFO why can't your son bring the kids when you see him?
edit: y'all, I'm asking the OP for information (hence INFO). I don't need everyone's theories.
Lazuli_Rose
NTA. She has put a distance between you and the grandkids and criticizes and compares you to her & her mom. No one wants to feel like they are constantly being scrutinized and having to compete against someone else.
She didn't have any problem with you not seeing the kids until she found out a necklace (valuables) were involved. You could be petty and get some costume jewelry and see how she reacts. She is just hoping to get ahold of some family heirlooms or antiques.
mfruitfly
NTA. You have offered to help with babysitting, you have attempted to schedule holidays so both families can celebrate, and you have asked point blank if something is wrong. That’s all you can do, and if they won’t engage in solving a problem if one exists, and decline attempts to build a relationships, well that’s on them.
There may be an underlying issue where you did do something wrong, and you still wouldn’t be an AH because they aren’t communicating with you. Worse, DIL expects all the benefits of being part of your family without doing any of the work.
So again, even if there was a reason for DIL to be distant, there are also consequences for her decision to be distant, and that is she doesn’t get to lay claim to your time, possessions, or even love.
Big_Owl1220
NTA- No one is entitled to your things. Unfortunately, your Grandkids are strangers to you, due to her actions. That is on her. It's possible that you did something years ago, maybe even miniscule and she is holding on to it. If she is bold enough to demand your things, she can be honest with you to tell you what the issue is.