I adore the man I have been dating for 2+ years. He is smart and sensitive and kind. But we have a different relationship with money in that I am fairly frugal and he is not. He has been unemployed for over a year. Before he lost his job, he made more than I did and has been working furiously to get a job ever since. At this point, though, I have significantly more money than he does.
I am fine paying for experiences because I would prefer to do things together than apart. As such, I have been mostly picking up the tab when we go out to dinner. Here's where the conflict comes in: The last time we went out, he ordered the most expensive appetizer and entree on the menu.
I pointed this out because, although he usually orders more than I do (I'm a vegetarian and don't eat as much as he does), this was more than usual and I was raised that it isn't polite to order the most expensive things when someone else is buying.
He became angry and felt that I had been silently judging him for every meal I had taken him out to in the past. He felt as if I was accusing him of taking advantage of me, the idea of which "repulsed" him. He said he would rather walk home than accept a ride with me. Note: I never said these things, nor do I think them, and I tried multiple times to communicate this to him.
I was shocked and hurt that this would be his response. I tried to tell him that I was responding to this specific event and that the only reason I said anything was because I was raised that you simply didn't order the most expensive thing on the menu.
He did not believe me and I was in tears by the end of the meal. He said that I knew he was having issues with money and that it was insensitive to point out this behavior while we were at dinner—that if I had an issue, I should have told him later and with more sensitivity.
(This is not the first time I have said something that I thought was fairly innocuous but provoked an angry response from him.) So, AITA for pointing out that he ordered the most expensive things on the menu? At this point, I honestly don't know. I didn't set out to hurt his feelings, but I feel as if I am in my own right to say something.
OlympiaShannon said:
NTA. A master course on DARVO; Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Your bf got caught acting poorly, and couldn't admit he was wrong, so he attacked you to cover up, leaving you in tears. He also has no problem taking advantage of your wallet. Is this what you really want in a partner? He sounds immature and uncouth to me.
RaineMist said:
NTA. He's gaslighting you by blaming you for being "insensitive" when really he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that what he was doing was wrong by yelling at you and making you feel guilty for questioning him.
Antique-Patient-1703 said:
ESH. If you take someone out, you shouldn't really be pointing out what they can and cannot have. At the same time, he definitely over reacted. I would have apologized and not gone out with you again. It just sounds like you guys aren't compatible.
Enough-Process9773 said:
ESH. If you're taking your unemployed partner out to dinner, and your partner orders the most expensive things on the menu, literally why would you say "hey, you have no money, where do you get off ordering something so expensive?"
If ordering the most expensive things on the menu puts OP's budget out - I mean if it was really so much money she just could not really afford to pay for it - then the appropriate way to put it is...
"Honey, sorry, I know you love that, but right now Wagyu steak is not in our budget - do you mind picking one of the other steak dinners?" But also, BF way overreacted. Unless OP keeps making comments like this and BF just snapped?
pppowkanggg said:
ESH. Don't offer to pay for dinner if you're going to complain about the tab. If you don't want him picking expensive shit, pick a cheaper restaurant. I do think it's rude to pick the most expensive thing on the menu if someone else is picking up the tab, but you're also in a relationship so those things usually go out the window.
And as a one-salary couple you should have a conversation about cutting corners, but don't bring it up at the dinner where you're complaining that he ordered too fancy. He definitely over-reacted.
GullibleCommand5391 said:
ESH. Your boyfriend overreacted, and losing his temper to the point of you being in tears isn't acceptable. On the other hand, your passive-aggressive way of pointing it out was judgey. If my spouse did that, I'd call the server back and make a point of changing my order to the cheapest thing on the menu.
If you wanted him to stick to a budget, you should've had that conversation before you went to dinner. People are brought up in different ways. As an example, we didn't go to expensive places, but I was brought up to order whatever you want in a restaurant and preferably something you may not get at home. Sounds like there's a long overdue conversation needed here about budget and expectations.
Last_Ask4923 said:
NTA. Unemployed over a year? Girl, no. He can’t find ANY job while he waits for his dream job?? I call bs.