'AITA for asking my 6 week postpartum SIL if she's excited to get back to work?' UPDATED
"AITA for asking my 6 week postpartum SIL if she is excited to get back to work?"
Okay so long story short - I (28f) have been with my husband (31m) for 3yrs, married for 2 and we have a 2.5yr old child. I'm currently 2m pregnant with our second and last child. When DH and I met, I was child-free by choice, and I was at the top of my career - when we had our child, I was devasted at the thought of going back to work.
DH is a blue collar man, also at the top of his field, we own our vehicles and he bought his (our) home at 21 and has a fantastic interest rate. I lived frugally, well beneath my means, and had modest, but relevant, savings and investment accounts. We made the decision I would become a SAHM until the second child enters kindergarten. It was the best decision of my life.
My BIL met and married my SIL during this time, when I made my decision to be a SAHM we were discussing it at a family dinner and we actually had a small "debate" her argument was essentially "I could never give up my career for my child, I can't give up that part of myself.
My career is my passion and a big part of my identity and it's sad when women lose themselves in motherhood" I'm very secure in myself and my choices and I said that I'm glad she knows what she wants just as much as I do and left it at that.
That was about a year and a half ago now, well they have a beautiful 6wk old child (her first, his second) and I have tried to help without overstepping as we are not particularly close. This included a meal train and lots of babysitting my nephew (BIL's first child who is 4) while SIL and the NB are settling in.
Here's the actual incident where I might BTA - we were at a family event today and I asked her if she is excited to get back to work as I know her mat leave is only 8wks. BIL went back to work weeks ago as I believe he only got 2wks. She looked at me super offended and shocked and told me she couldn't believe I would ask that.
I clarified and said I knew how important her work is to her and that her clients were surely missing her (she is a fantastic, highly sought after beauty technician) again she looked at me highly offended and said something to the effect of "well I HAVE to go back to work, we aren't all spoiled brats" which honestly just ruined the whole vibe.
I just looked at her like wtf and she walked away. Well now the whole family is in a disagreement because apparently I was rubbing it in her face that I get to stay home and she doesn't??
Half the family remembers very clearly that she herself chastised me for my choice and think she's being dramatic and hormonal, the other half thinks that I am a spoiled and I shouldn't "shove it in people's faces" so there it is AITA for asking her if she was excited to get back to work being a SAHM myself? Do I apologize or what?
EDIT: We were all at the birthday party of my husband and her husband's older brother's, husband's, sister so not a place you want to make drama. I had just asked the SIL of the sister how their job was because they got a promotion at the last event I saw them at (my child's birthday party) so we were very casually talking about work.
Then my SIL walked up and I asked if she was excited to return to work. I did not seek her out explicitly to ask about work.
This is what people had to say to OP:
flattened_apex said:
Always breaks my heart to read that people can only get 8 weeks maternity leave. Where I am people get 9 months - year. Asking her that does sound a little tone deaf, yeh
You're at the "top of your career" at 25? Your husband bought a house at 21?
I mean it's screaming family money to me. It doesn't sound like you understand the differences between yours and your SIL situation, which are likely more than she's a career gal and you're not. Probably YTA but that's from reading between some lines here
ApprehensiveBook4214 said:
YTA. As you yourself have experienced you can dramatically change your mind about something. You went from child free to pregnant with your second child. And no one asked you rude questions about it. You should apologize and work on your sensitivity.
OP responded:
For the record, she asked me word for word if I was excited to get back to work when I was EXACTLY 8wks postpartum - our MIL watched my NB and we (me, SIL, MIL and my NB) went to lunch after my 8wk check up (I had to have multiple bc my blood pressure was a mess) at the time I told her and my MIL that I was kind of freaking out but I thankfully had a full 12-wks, so one more full month before I had to return to work.
casualnerding dsid:
YTA. Asking a 6-week postpartum mom if she’s excited to go back to work is tone-deaf and insensitive. She’s dealing with a newborn, sleep deprivation, and hormones. Bringing up work like it’s a fun thing to anticipate comes off as rubbing in your own SAHM situation.
And International-Owl345 said:
Weird reaction. NTA OP. If she weren’t excited she could’ve said something like “as much as I love my career, I really wish maternity leave were longer, I’m not ready to leave baby”. I mean, she chastised Op for being a sahm for goodness sake, so you can safely assume she wants to get back.
Two weeks later, OP shared this update:
Shortly after this was posted I visited my SIL - I was babysitting both kiddos so she could get a spa/salon day before going back to work. I decided to apologize - it's really important to me that we have a good relationship for our children's sake. Also all of you here helped me realize that she is a lot younger than me and to give her grace for that.
We, unexpectedly, had a really deep heart-to-heart where she expressed to me that she only snapped at me because she is SO EXCITED to get back to work. She feels bad that she doesn't want to stay home with her baby and that she's been feeling stifled being home with the two kids. She was also feeling very worried about some of her regular clients jumping ship if she was off any longer.
I told her I totally understood and I could barely handle my puppy when I was her age much less two kids. Thanks to a commenter here - I was careful to specifically clarify that I think she's doing a fantastic job as a mom and in her career. There was some other stuff about comments from the family and her husband but it's not important to the update.
Anyway she offered me a free service when she gets back to work (which was yesterday) and has been more friendly with me at family dinner. She's been texting me and calling me "just to chat" more too. I think maybe she just needed a friend and I'm glad y'all pointed it out to me bc I think me apologizing was the catalyst for our newfound closeness.
Sometimes it's hard to hear that you're the AH but in this case (even though I felt defensive) I'm glad I listened. Thanks.