'AITA for potentially declining my twin sister’s wedding invitation?' 'It's not my life or my body.'
"AITA for potentially declining my twin sister’s wedding invitation?"
I’ll call my sister ‘Alexis’ to make things easier to follow. I (26F) have a twin sister (26F) who is getting married in August this year. Originally I was asked to be the maid of honor. Since then, my sister and another sibling visited me 800 miles away from them and our family. Alexis made the trip unbearable from start to finish.
For context, she’s disabled and has cerebral palsy. For her, it manifests more physically, so she has very low stamina in her legs, has tremors and poor balance when standing. She’s morbidly obese which furthers exasperates her lack of mobility.
Now, I don’t have issues with this on its own (of COURSE) but she tends to blame every thought, word or action on her disabilities. I try to be empathetic about this. But it’s EXHAUSTING to be surrounded by such harsh negativity despite doing everything in my power to accommodate her.
During the trip, a fight was ignited between us and our other sibling. Alexis of course blamed her cerebral palsy, quoting “I didn’t even want to come! I’m too disabled to enjoy a vacation!”
I was very hurt and angered by this, as I had done all of the planning and had her staying in my own room/bed while I took the couch. I insisted she bring her wheelchair, but it was left behind which ruined the all of our plans as she was way less mobile.
I responded “—then maybe you’re too disabled to have MULTIPLE KIDS!” I acknowledge this was wrong to say and hurtful, and I’ve apologized for it on numerous occasions. I’ve expanded upon the root of this sentiment as well: Perhaps with your physical limitations, being a SAHM with 3+ kids is not a healthy or wise decision.
Alexis and I both grew up with physically disabled parents ourselves who had 4 children, and we watched our own mother descend into a severe depression. I don’t want to have an objective stance on this (it’s not my life or my body) but rather encourage her to face the potential downsides and risks… but ultimately what I said and how/when I said it was wrong.
Since then, she’s held this over my head in regard to my participation in the wedding. I’ve been demoted from MoH, then uninvited, then invited/uninvited again. I’ve limited my contact with her, and for 6 months nothing big broke out between us. But just last week we chatted all morning with zero issues. I even ordered my bridesmaid dress as we were talking because she sent me a link to the sale.
Then—out of NOWHERE—the same stuff pops up again. What I said over a year ago. I told her that I’ve apologized and that I don’t know what else she wants from me. My conundrum: This is the first wedding in our family in a very long time, so it’s a pretty big deal. And at the end of the day, it’s my twin sister.
it’s a 15 hour drive to get there, so I’m not sure that I can risk her blocking me out from the ceremony after my partner and I put aside so much time and money just for travel. Should I be the bigger person and go after a third invitation?
Here's what people had to say about this one:
The_Local_Kiwi said:
NTA - twin here - sometimes your peace of mind is worth more than the drama and expectation that you constantly manage your twins’ emotions to keep everyone else happy. Honestly, being the emotional support animal to a twin so no one else has to deal with the additional work and drama of a high needs person is too much to be worth it.
Protect your peace - my approach is to only engage when the person and interaction adds more value to your life than subtracts from it. It is hard at first but you will eventually realize how little you actually need drama and toxicity in your life and the peace you feel without it.
Sorry_Patient_7598 said:
NTA- I’m involved with the special needs community and the amount of people who have the attitude of “it’s about what I can do, not what I can’t” is overwhelming. Personally, I would just go and get it over with, and then limit contact from there.
I know plenty of people with CP who are not morbidly obese or give people they love this terrible attitude. If you can miss the wedding with no regrets, do what’s best for you and your family. Good luck!
FabledInkk said:
NTA. It sounds like your sister has been really manipulative, using her disability as a constant excuse for her behavior while disregarding your feelings. You've apologized for your mistake, and she’s continuing to hold it over you, which isn't fair.
It’s your choice whether you want to go or not, but given how she’s treated you with the constant back-and-forth invites, it makes sense to feel hesitant. You deserve to be treated with respect, and it doesn't sound like she's giving you that. Do what's best for your own peace of mind.
TigerInTheLily said:
NTA. I'm so curious: what is the relationship like with her fiance if this is how she treats her own twin?
Single-Being-8263 said:
NTA. Either you are invited or not. What is this inviting and uninviting game she is playing. Have a serious conversation if she says no then don't go. Sorry in this recession you cannot waste money on flight tickets if you are invited for nth time.
OG_Fe_Jefe said:
Nta. Plan on attending. If things change last moment, then you and your partner make a vacation out if it anyway, and you'll have the satisfaction that you made a valiant effort and you were the better person. If things do work out betwixt you and your twin then even better. Either way, you can have a great time...make it what you will.