I am F32, BF is M38, SIL is F56, and stepMIL is F69. How do I put this?...my SIL thinks I am obnoxious. She"s my BF's eldest sibling and very protective of her "baby" and also very religious so her baby dating pant-suit wearing, neon colored hair having, bisexual atheist feminist with two moms was a lot for her to take in.
Over the 3 years my BF and I have been together, she has only been more vocal about it. It did first start with small snarky comments but now it's full in-your face criticism. It got worse when he moved in with me as we aren't married.
Well one of her longest running jabs is that I look scary but am just mild and boring whilst I try to "cosplay as edgy" (fair play to her for sewing in cosplay. Gold star. She's evolving) unless I have any skeletonsin my closet. I am a happy person and have little issues with laughing at myself so I alway just laugh it off when she says she will find my skeletons in my closet.
It was my birthday recently so we have everyone over and when my BF went out for decorations he returned with a plastic skeleton and held it up with that we're so immature but you're in, right? look on his face and said "You thinking what I'm thinking?" And I was. This cheeky a$$hole was giving me an offer I couldn't refuse and I laughed and said "You son of sith, I'm in" so we set the trap.
Well surely enough SIL was busy telling anyone who would listen that we're unmarried, sleeping in the same bed, I smoke weed - she could smell it... the usual and I ignored her and then she went on about me cosplaying as edgy and not being an authentic person and someday she will find my skeletons in my closet. My BF started to laugh and I said "oh you didn't notice?"
And walked her to our coat closet near the front door and opened it. There was was Skelator the Skeleton propped up against the corner. We had a good laugh and my BIL said "hell you finally found it" and when I turned to her, it went from a good natured laugh to a nightmare. She was red in the face, silent, and crying. She slapped me and left without a word.
I was stunned by the slap and not even prepared to deal with step MIL who asked me if I was happy mocking the woman who raised my BF and that I'm such a disrespectful @$$ but this was a new low. She and a few others started telling me how sh!tty I was for embarrassing SIL and mocking her in front of everyone.
The party naturally died from the party foul wounds and was DOA so most everyone left within the hour. BF has been trying to cheer me up and took me to see Deadpool and got me takeaway so we can binge-watch our show and veg out but SIL texted me a paragraph about how she's tried with me but I am determined to be a morally corrupt violation of her family.
And she is devastated that I hate her enough to make a mockery of her. I replied back an apology that I hurt her, and I genuinely thoight it was just a laugh we could share and offered to take her to lunch to talk it out. She said she was disinterested in dealing with me further and when my BF "wised up" and leaves me, she will celebrate.
There are texts from others and group chats where I am being torn apart as viscious and malicious and my mind is boggled. I know there are 100% times that when a person says iTs JuSt a JoKe ‐ they are astronomically the AH so AITAH?
MerryMoose923 said:
NTA. Your SIL did help raise your BF, but he's not her "baby," he's a grown adult living his own life. Your BF needs to talk to his family about this, admit it was a mutual idea to put the skeleton in the closet, and let his sister know that slapping you was completely inappropriate.
He also needs to step up and shut down SIL's constant snarky comments and criticism of you, and to shut down the rest of the family tearing you apart to defend SIL. This was clearly a FAFO situation, and SIL definitely found out. Apparently, SIL can dish it out, but can't take it.
Were you and your boyfriend petty? Heck yeah. But I think it was well-deserved at this point, given all you have put up with for 3 years. Also, how dare she come to your home as a guest and trash talk you? That's just plain rude. She never "tried" with you: she sat in judgment and found you lacking because you don't live according to her principles, religious or otherwise.
You took the high road here and apologized, and offered to go to lunch and talk it out. She has refused. Lucky you - the trash took itself out. Feel free to avoid spending any time with SIL going forward, and limiting the time you spend with his family.
DoIwantToKnow6417 said:
INFO : Why should you be blamed for the prank her "baby" pulled on her? She SLAPPED you! And BTW, kudos for you BF, that prank was EPIC!
The only glitch is you can't prank vile manipulative people who are deprived of the slightest sense of humour...
rstock1962 said:
Nope NTA. You sound pretty chill actually. Turnabout IS fair play.
And KickLiving said:
YTA for letting her abuse you for years. She slapped you in front of a room full of people ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and YOU apologized to HER?! I would’ve cracked her skull. Your BF has let her treat you like this for years and you’re still with him? And he lets MIL treat you like garbage too? What’s the matter with you?
Facebook is such a pain. SIL took to social media and made a post and tagged me. It was a novel long but the short of it is that I am a hateful woman who doesn't respect parental figures and it must be because I am an orphan. According to the post I am on drugs and lured her baby onto them too. I've turned him against God and his family.
My man damn near blew the lid off our home when he saw it as he is on FB more than me. He called her and demanded she take it down but the damage was pretty much done. Family out of the woodwork are sending me rehab center links, church counseling links, and addiction help.
My personal favorite is "before" me and "after" me photo comparisons where before me is a photo of him in church with his family at a mother's day service and after is a snap of him at a concert with his tattoos showing, drinking and clearly drunk.
Some people even came to the house to stage an intervention. My guy only started to shout and make them leave our home when I was referred to as a classless hussy. Let me be transparent, we use THC but it's legal here and we have jobs and maintain a good life.
The "after" me photo is not actually from when we were dating, it was beforehand. And I am not an orphan. SIL is married to an alcoholic who just recently got hammered and wrecked their car then got arrested for being belligerent with the police and refusing to leave after his car was towed.
All over some freaking dummy? So I talked with him about limiting contact and he got upset. He loves his family and despite this freakshow, he loves his sister. He got stressed out and started to have a panic attack. I helped him recenter, got him water, and held him until he was calm again and he asked we give it a bit of time to die down and he will try to talk sense into SIL.
So we're giving it time. I'm not mad at him, I know this is hard for him but this is crap and I am being bombarded with texts and even emails telling me I am some demon woman who is shooting up my SO who hates Christians and none of that is even true. It's just a lot and I am hating every moment.
Well I am out of emotional real estate here but here goes everything - I have a feeling this isnt going to be short so (TLDR SIL is depressed and self harming after we cut her out and BF is clearly hurting):
I guess I have to start naming people as this is becoming something of a saga. My BF "Dean" (I am a Supernatural fan so sue me lol) sat me down a few days after my last post. He was very, very calm, and that was my first sign that I needed to gird my loins because I was in for a doozy. For background, generally, I am the calm logically lead one while he is passionate and deep feeling.
In this, we became polar opposites of that norm. He looked me right in the eye and asked me point blank no-bullshit how this was all affecting me. Every time he would ask before I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how upsetting it all was since I was the "put together" one all the time but this time, because he was so calm and direct, I just broke down.
Nightmare isn't the word. It was hell. We live around what is known as a small big city meaning it's big sure but once you get in certain circles you find that everyone knows you and you know most everyone or at least someone who knows them. So, in a way, it can be like a small town. Our state is generally religious outside our city. So rumors spread.
With my SIL's (I will call her Wren going forward) social media attacks on me, it was the scuttlebutt everyone craved. Some people sided with her, not most, but enough. I was getting dirty looks and rude treatment, my hairstylist is their cousin and she told me she can't work on my hair anymore until this is resolved as she was getting pressure from the family (i.e. Wren and stepMIL "Penny").
It was schoolyard and immature, but it was enough to make me feel bad. I got done saying all this to Dean, and he said, "Okay then, we will block them." So matter of fact. I knew it as a hard thing to decide on for him, as he loves the shit out of his family and they are his world so I pushed back at the idea saying as much and that I couldn't ever stand in the way of his him and his whole family.
I started to cry harder, and he had to sit me down and get me some wine and water and blanket burrito-ed me and hugged me until I could talk again. I said I couldn't live with myself knowing I made him choose me over his family, and he said I hadn't made him, they did. We then started talking logistics because he wasn't budging.
I was sad the whole time, because I am usually tough and have a don't give a shit attitude but he is so close to them and I am not overly close with most of my own family. I hated taking something so rare and beautiful away from him, my fault or not.
We cut them off. Blocked almost everyone after sending a text about what was happening and why. And worse, it was Wren's birthday party the next day. I took my guy to a festival happening in the city so he wouldn't have to think about it and we were out until 2 or 3 the next morning.
When we got home, our neighbor said we had a lot of people coming to knock on our door. 1 or 2 at a time. And a couple then asked our neighbors if we were home. Later, when I was making lunch, the police came by for a wellness check. They said his "mother" is concerned about him. Him. Not me. Just him.
Dean said coldly that his mother is dead, and if his father's wife sent them, he wanted it on record that they were not in touch and he wanted no contact. Penny was at our door by dinner.
Some of this was before I got into the room because I was cooking, but Dean told me he heard a knock and thought it was the neighbors and opened without looking. Wren was standing there, eyes red as if she had been crying. She asked to come in, and he said no, so she started to cry - loudly - and I heard it and came to see what the fuss was.
She had fallen into him sobbing and wailing, asking what she did that was so wrong that he's treating her like this. That he's her baby, and she loves him, but he is so cold and mean to her now and all that BS. I was angry but I saw his face he was tearing up and pushed her away asking her to leave.
That's when she saw me. She was sobbing an apology like, "I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like you're not family. You won. Please don't take my baby from us." She went on to say if this is about their religion then they won't pray around me and stuff like that and when she finally finally stopped rambling I said it was not about their religion.
I am an atheist, sure, that's my choice. But I don't mind people having faith in something. I actually somewhat envy people who do as I just don't and probably can't. I told her it was about my treatment from her and others in the family.
That I was cast as the villain for almost 3 years and I was prepared to grin and bear our whole natural lives but then she gets nastier with me with the gossip mill and above all that, she put hands on me. She had the absolute gumption, gall to slap me, and the family collectively decided to let that slide. I won't tolerate physical abuse.
I had an abusive ex. I won't be accepting that. Ever. Honestly, that was the singular thing that made me realize two things: she will never respect or care about me, and more that I can never respect her ever from that moment on. It all just flooded out of me. I never yelled. I was just firm and direct about it. This is what happened. This is the hurt you did, and here are the consequences.
She practically collapsed in our home wailing by the time I finished, and she would interject "okay you hate me, I get it," or "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, " and things like that. I asked Dean to get her water, and he did. When he returned and handed her the glass, he said she should drink something, and she shook her head and said that she couldn't.
We asked her if she hurt herself getting to the ground, and she just got really, really calm and wiped her eyes and had this weird frown, tears still streaming down. She told us that she came to apologize, and she apologized, but we've been clear we don't want anything to do with her or the family, and that breaks her heart.
She can't eat or drink anymore because life is not worth living knowing Dean hates her. Dean shook his head but said nothing other than "Don't mistreat yourself like that. That's not fair." Then she just walked through the door and said that I won, he's mine, and to please take care of him for her.
The moment the door closed, Dean started to cry. I tried to comfort him, but he pulled away. He said he isn't mad at me or anything, but that was just a lot, and he feels like crap.
He told me he knew she was being manipulative but he almost wanted to take her apology because it's just been so hard and he knows she will spin this somehow to make us look as callous and hateful as possible and his father would be ashamed of him.
A week goes by, and Dean has cheered up a bit. He apologized to me for crying to which I said he never has to apologize to me for his feelings or crying or anything like that and that I am proud of him for being rational in an entirely irrational moment.
He is making friends and picking up hobbies where family events would be like instead of mass and Sunday dinner, he goes to shoot hoops with a community group, he signed up for a patch on the community garden, and he's been taking the time he would usually take to hang out with Penny and help around the house to volunteer at the animal shelter down the way from our home.
He came home this past Monday in a bad mood. He was honest that he was upset and would be bad company, so he needed space, so I obliged and went out with a friend. When I came home, he asked me to sit down and said he logged into social media, and a friend messaged him a post that Penny made about Wren asking for prayers.
Wren was severely depressed and had quit doing much of anything according to the post, and she was suffering from "the heartbreak of her life," but they didn't explain what that was. This friend of Dean's comment if there is anything we can all do and Penny replied "Pray" and nothing more.
Yesterday rolled around and BIL "Teddy" calls, he's not blocked or cut off because he's been having our backs, to tell us Wren is in the hospital as she tried to take all of her meds at once. She's been asking for Dean. I told him that shes in the hospital, and he could go to her if he wanted and I even will go with him or not depending on what he told me he needed but he refused to go.
He's been blue ever since, and I'm worried. Wren is practically a mother to him, so I know it's hard. I feel like shit because this is really all because I agreed to some stupid joke to fire back at hers.
Normally, I would just say these are manipulation tactics, but to down pills out of spite is some next level commitment to the bit, and I feel like I've really shattered my man's world. I don't know if I need to give him time, or sit him down right now, or up our therapy, or take him on a vacation or what. He's my person. I hurt when he hurts. And we're hurting right now.
We've endured a lot from his family at this point. From them calling into my job to complain about me, to the police coming by because I am "abusing" him. I won't make this another War and Peace manuscript by typing all that happened out but it's been a lot.
Dean got a job elsewhere in the state. It's been a rollercoaster for him. We talked it out and he accepted. He doesn't want to be near family anymore. Well that Medusa of a woman found out and Teddy told us she's throwing a fit. So I knew, I just knew she would come around soon. I told Dean this and he looked at me and said "You think so?"
And I said I know so. So he came home that next day with more skeletons! They are propped up around the porch, in the yard, and next to the garage. They have names. He named them! Boney Stark, Marrow Munroe, Tibia Turner...he's given them backstories. The man has lost his mind lol.
Sure enough she showed up. We have a ring cam now so we both got alerts and saw her coming. He got up and said he would take care of it so I just watched the cam and stayed in bed.
He tells her to leave and she demanded to know why he was moving. She was blaming it on me, making it seem like I bullied him into the job and he needed to come to his senses and leave me. He refused. So she slapped him. Twice. Then started to cuss at him, hitting him with her fists and he backed up and pushed her away.
Then she falls and starts to scream that he's hit her and that he's a monster and she's calling for help. She woke up the whole neighborhood with her bullshit. Dean was doing his best to stay calm but opened the door and told me to call the police.
And I watched her smugly say that if he dares, she will tell them that he and I attacked her. And shows him her arm, and says she has the injuries, and no one will believe him.
He just stared at her and went inside. She went nuts and threw Boney Stark into the rosebushes. Then, she sat on our porch just chilling until the police arrived. She threw on the waterworks the moment the cop car pulled in. She actually had gotten out of the chair meant for Boney, laid down on the stairs, and started to cry.
Police sorted this pretty quickly because as Oscar worthy of a performance she gave, we had footage. It was my turn to be smug. I cast it on our large TV for all to see. She cussed me out saying I was a bitch and a loser - a harpy who charmed her baby and lunged for me.
Dean got in the way and told her to get out of our house and that she's disgusting and manipulative. He then said "I'm not your baby. And you know what? Thank you. Thank you for showing me who you are. Now I can't wait to get away from you. Good job."
I think she figured it all out in that moment because this time when she cried, I believed her. She just sobbed and the cops took her outside. We had her legally removed and put in a request for a restraining order. We currently have a temporary one for the case to be reviewed but it expires after we move so now we are just being careful about our information.
Dean was really sad the first few days but now is excited. He keeps talking about the city we are moving to. It's very fun, odd, and has a lot of live music and events. I know he will mourn it once it catches up with him and he's keeping busy to not think about it too much, but it is good to see him smile. I missed that.
The family tried harassing us but he would forward the footage and tell them if they don't want him to go fully NC to cut it out and keep her under control. Sometimes it makes him cry and other times it just makes him mad. I've asked if he wanted me to take over some of this and he says no. He just wants us to ride this out, pack up, and get settled in the city. Oh and the skeletons are coming with us.
Little_Yesterday_548 said:
Does anyone else think she might be “Dean’s” bio mom? There is an 18 year age gap between them.
Donkeh101 said:
Yep! That’s what I thought about half way through. All this “my baby” rambling. Plus, being quite religious - in the slightly extreme sense. Maybe, er, she has way too many skeletons in her closet as well.
And invisiblizm said:
Yeah I also wondered if she freaked out when they said they found a skeleton and thought her "shame" would be outed, because that reaction was completely off the rails.
It makes you think...