Pregnant bride asks if she's 'selfish' for refusing to get married in the courthouse. AITA? UPDATED
"AITAH and selfish for not wanting to get married in the courthouse?"
I (female, 33) met my partner, Michael (M, 42), three years ago. Michael has a daughter, Emma (now 13), who lives with him full time. I met Michael about one year after his divorce when Emma was 10. Emma's mother lives with her new husband. Emma visits her mom every other Saturday.
Emma hates her stepdad ( and her mom is frustrated) and me. She calls me names and insults me when her dad isn't around. When he is, she ignores me as if I don't exist. I've tried spending time with her and doing things to make her feel special, but she laughed and told me to go f* myself. Michael thinks we need to be patient with her since she's a teen still dealing with her parents' divorce.
She became very upset and threw a fit when she found out I was pregnant. Now, her resentment has worsened. Michael wants us to get married before the baby comes. He hasn't even proposed! Instead, he suggested going to a courthouse and getting married, considering this is his second marriage and I'm pregnant.
He thinks this way, Emma won't be upset since there won't be a wedding or anything. He literally said, "Can you order rings off Etsy or Amazon, and then we just get married?"
Am I being selfish if I want to have a small wedding? I've been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl! We both work, and having a small wedding is entirely within our budget.
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
michuru809 said:
NTA to getting married in a courthouse or wherever else. It would be highly reckless of you to plan on having the baby and Emma living in the same house. Put a pause on wedding planning and bump up the priority of getting Emma sorted.
Getting married because you're pregnant is a bad reason to get married. Marriage can be difficult, and kids don't make things easier- they make everything more difficult as you can see with Emma.
celticmusebooks said:
Why are you marrying into this dumpster fire? Her hatred of you is going to get FAR worse when the baby comes. FAR, FAR WORSE. Don't marry this man. NTA.
JJQuantum said:
NTA. The fact that Emma is having issues is a real thing but that doesn’t negate your feeling. She and her parents might want to start some family counseling, with you and her step father being invited on an as needed basis, but you deserve your wedding. Simply giving in to her is not the answer.
jacksonlove3 said:
Definitely NTA. And if Emma won’t go/participate in counseling, you and her dad should! A therapist could give you ways to manage & cope with Emma’s disrespect & bad behavior, on top of helping you and your partner communicate better and be on the same page!
You shouldn’t marry before you’re ready to or just because you’re pregnant! That’s a terrible reason to marry and no offense, a 13 year old child should not dictate the type of wedding you have (if & when you have one).
She can stay with her mom or whatever the day that yinz decide to actually marry if she doesn’t want to come. And your partner forcing her to attend would only makes things worse. Congrats & good luck!
UPDATE:
I didn’t plan to get pregnant and use it to get married . I’m not in a rush to get married since I wanna look good for my big day not pregnant! It was Michael’s suggestion to have a courthouse wedding asap. I suggested elopement but unfortunately we can’t find a sitter for Emma for a week ( we can’t go on honeymoon either).
My parents live in Canada . I moved here for Michael . I can move back to my parents but then I’ll lose my job here...but I might have to do that once the baby is here... Michael is civil with his ex. Emma’s mother is very respectful to me . Her husband is a very reserved quiet man. He is incredibly respectful.
Emma’s mom tried therapy many times with her . She refuses ! The most she has ever gone is 2 sessions now she refuses ! Emma’s step dad is done with her . On Saturdays that she goes to get mom, her step dad leaves (stays with his mom) because she constantly calls him names and insults him.
Michael does so many activities with her, takes her to father daughter dates. She is great with him but she can’t stand me. She wants nothing to do with me. If Michael even suggests me being included in anything she says she doesn’t wanna do it anymore
UPDATE:
I got so many messages from all of you asking for an update. Thank you so much for caring about me. I have been very busy, sorry for the late reply. I left Michael almost immediately. I just packed my carry-on and left.
I wrote a very long email to him once I arrived at my parents'. I have been doing great, working remotely, and helping out my mom and dad around the house. They are treating me like a queen. They are very excited about becoming grandparents. It’s cute how excited they are for me, considering I was not allowed to even mention the baby when I was with Michael because it would upset Emma.
As for Michael, he has been asking me to come back since the moment I left. He and Emma had an argument, and he told her that she either goes back to therapy on a regular basis or she is moving in with her grandma. Emma chose to move with her grandma. Except… Emma forgot how strict her grandma is, haha!
She is a retired teacher and has no problem taking away Emma’s privileges! Michael came here once, asked me in person to come back since Emma no longer lives with him. He agreed to go to therapy with me, but I told him I want to give birth here so for now I’m staying.
I want to be close to my parents to help me (they turned their basement into a baby and my space!! It’s like beautiful small two bedroom for baby and I ). Michael worries he would miss the birth, so I kind of feel guilty.
I asked him if he can maybe move here with me until I give birth, but he said he doesn’t feel comfortable living with in-laws, plus he can’t just abandon Emma for a few months (he visits her a few times a week). So, here I am! A frustrated boyfriend but I’m mentally in a great place
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
Bonnm42 said:
Honestly, it sounds like you have everything you need, and are better off, without your BF.
SonjaSeifert said:
I’m glad you have stayed strong. I remember the comments regarding the legal ramifications if you give birth in the US. Might not be in your best interests. You need to see the long term results with Michael and Emma. No rush to do anything. And don’t feel guilty. You didn’t cause this problem.
Haunting-Aardvark709 said:
I’m so relieved to hear you and baby are safe. You 100% made the right decision. Wishing you all the best for the birth!
tayl8raven said:
Nice, it sounds like this is exactly what Michael needed to grow up. If you can work it out great, if not then it'll be fine as well. He tried to let a child run his life and yours. NTA.