'My pregnant girlfriend doesn't want to move in with me. AITA for insisting?' UPDATED
"My pregnant girlfriend doesn't want to move in with me. AITA for insisting?"
I (M, 41) have been dating Jess (F, 37) for the past five years. From the very beginning, she told me she never wanted to get married or have kids.
After a year of dating, I brought up the idea of moving in together, but she said no. She preferred the arrangement we had which is spending time together a few night a week when one of us sleeps over, then having a few days each week to ourselves at our own place separately . I accepted that.
Recently, she told me she’s pregnant, and she’s keeping the baby. I brought up moving in together again, because I want to be there for her and for our child. But again, she said no. Her plan is that we continue as we are: have our “together time” with the baby when one of us sleeps over, and then take turns caring for the baby while the other has alone time in their own place.
I told her this makes no sense to me and doesn’t seem realistic. I want us to be a family. Why pay two rents and set up two nurseries? I asked her if she doesn’t see me as a long term partner. She said she does, and that she loves me, but she still wants things to stay the way they are.
I talked to my buddy, and he told me I should probably accept it, because if we split up, I’d end up seeing my child even less. So now I’m questioning myself. Am I being old fashioned? Am I being selfish for wanting us to live together so I can actually be there and help with the baby full time? I’m lost here
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NAH. You asked, and she declined. Now that you have her answer, you either make it work or separate entirely and co-parent. You would be an AH if you attempt to force it.
Why are you with her? It's very obvious you 2 are not on the same page with what you want from a relationship.
As in, completely incompatible. You should have left years ago. Now you have another life involved. Honestly, I'd leave and look to find someone that is a better match.
NAH. 2 pieces of advice:
get a DNA test
have a lawyer draw up a shared custody agreement/arrangement WHETHER YOU ATAY TOGETHER OR NOT. You want this outlined AHEAD of time. This should include financial responsibilities, visitation, medical responsibilities, holidays - the whole 9 yards. Even if you are remain together this is important. Raising a child is exhausting and expensive and the future is unpredictable
She did you dirty bro. You’re trapped and can’t get out. Next is she will demand for open marriage lol where y’all get to see other people when not together. You should’ve seen the gigantic red flag 🚩 from the get go
throwaway-zebra123 OP responded:
I would love to marry her but she is a firm no on that. We are not seeing others
The next day OP posted this: "Pregnant gf doesn’t wanna move in with me - update."
Those of you who called me a man child or said “she doesn’t wanna move in with you because you’re a man baby” can get bent. For everyone else, thanks for encouraging me to actually get to the bottom of this.
I had a serious eye opening talk with her last night over the phone . I asked her straight up what the real reason was that she didn’t want to move in with me. If she needed space, a duplex or a house with a finished basement would’ve solved that. But she kept giving excuses like “I like my house better” or “it’s more of a privacy thing.”
So I asked her if there was someone else, if she was seeing someone on the side? Is she cheating on me ? She said it’s not cheating because whatever she does on her “me days” is none of my business and that was our deal, no questions, no communication on those days .
I was honestly shocked. That was supposed to be about alone time, not meeting other guys. She just repeated that what she does on those days is none of my business.
So I asked her if the real reason she wanted privacy was to stay close to this guy ? Is he the dad ? She said he’s not the dad, he had a vasectomy years ago. Like that’s supposed to make me feel better. Meanwhile I’ve been cooking for her and filling her fridge for those “me days,” basically helping her see someone else.
I asked how long this has been going on and she said on and off maybe two or three years, and before that it was another guy. I told her we never agreed to see other people and she said it’s not her fault I misunderstood and that she clearly said no communication or questions on those days.
So I told her we’re done. I’m going to see a lawyer and we need to do a test to make sure the baby is mine. She said all my talk about being there for her during the pregnancy was BS? Huh ?? I told her I don’t owe her anything anymore. My only responsibility is to the baby if it’s mine, and she can ask her other partner to step up.
I’m so angry and frustrated. I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Sperm can still be present after a vasectomy … just sayin.
On top of the DNA test I’d get an STI test as well.
Heading to my family dr to ask for one today
I don’t think she’s prepared for how her life is going to change once the baby comes.
She decided not to be specific about the day. She wasn’t in connection with you. She decided not to let you know that you weren’t exclusive. She let you take care of her and do things for her under false pretenses and now she’s blaming you. This is a tough situation. I’m so sorry.
In 5 years not once she even mentioned that she is seeing other people
Forget the baby exists and move on
I’m not gonna abandon my kid if it’s mine