'AITA for wanting my partner to get a vasectomy instead of getting my tubes tied?'
"AITA for wanting my partner to get a vasectomy instead of getting my tubes tied?"
I (27f) and my husband (31m) are due at the end of February with our third child. We have made the joint decision that we are done having kids after this one. Due to my various medical complications involving other forms of contraception, we came to the joint conclusion that the only way to ensure we won't get pregnant again is through surgical means (i.e tubes tied or vasectomy).
I agreed early on in this pregnancy to get my tubes tied but the closer we get to the delivery the more scared I get of this serious procedure. As I mentioned, this is our third child. And birth is already a pretty painful/terrifying/difficult life event that I will have to physically recover from, and the idea of an added procedure like this really scares me.
I discussed the procedure with my OB at my last appointment and was informed they cannot put me asleep for the procedure but she assured me I would be "anesthetized enough not to care of remember it" but the idea of being awake while someone is mucking around inside my abdomen is just terrifying to me.
My husband won't even consider the idea of getting a vasectomy (even though from what I have read It seems to be the less risky/serious procedure). I understand the macho male perspective of not wanting to feel like "less of a man" but also think that's a silly reason for why I should have to take on another procedure when I'm already the one who has to give birth.
Shouldn't he at least consider sparing me this huge procedure? Or AITA for wanting to "take his manhood?"
OP added this in the comments:
To clarify why we can't use other forms of contraception- I have had the IUD in the past and when I got it removed before child #2 it was starting to imbed itself into my uterus. Not enough to need surgery but enough to make me a not so good candidate for iuds.
Some women have the right shape uterus for an iud, I just don't seem to 🤷♀️ I also can't be on any form of estrogen birth control because I have aura migraines. For those unfamiliar with the interaction- estrogen (while a naturally reoccurring chemical in women) can cause an increase in blood clotting.
Because I have migraines that cause lack of blood flow in my brain and effect my vision, it is a high risk that any medication that causes increased blood clots(like estrogen based BC) could have the side effect of causing a blood clot in my brain during the migraine episode due to already decreased blood flow.
I can take a progesterone based BC but those have to be taken within the same hour every day ( e.g between 10-11am every day) and with two kids and a scattered brain I just can't guarantee I'll take it reliably at the same time every day.
I know this isn't an excuse but just an observation about myself I have tried in the past to break but just can't seem to. As for "wrapping it up" I have been diagnosed with dermatitis of the vulva.
Aka eczema of the hoo haw. It's not just latex, it's most foreign material. I have to wear special underwear and use special soap and even latex free allergy safe condoms seem to cause irritation with the friction.
He can't even wash with certain soaps of the skin contact will cause me to break out. 🙃 and the pull out method is what got us pregnancy #3. So I'm happy to hear of any suggestions in this regard that don't involve surgery but take all that into account 😅🙃
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
peakpenguins said:
NTA, you can't make him get snipped but it's a real bummer that he won't even consider it.
foffl said:
Lame. I had a vasectomy and it was no big deal. Wasn't fun, but nothing compared to what my wife dealt with giving birth to our kids.
Key_Independence_448 said:
If it helps, the tubes cut during a vasectomy are NOT the path that hormones leave the testes. It's a sperm delivery route only. Getting snipped isn't taking his manhood, it won't reduce his testosterone, and it is FAR safer and less painful than getting tubes tied. It's his body, so it's his choice, but the same goes for your body. If he wants one of you to have surgery, he should man up and volunteer.
NightsofWren said:
I would legitimately stop sleeping with my husband if after I carried and delivered three children he was unwilling to have a 10-15m in office procedure that is so minor it requires…Oh yah...no anesthesia and no time off from work.
Someguy981240 said:
NTA. Tubes tied is a major procedure. Vasectomy is trivial by comparison.
drapehsnormak said:
NTA. A vasectomy is easier to perform, recovery from, and reverse than a tubal ligation. If getting snipped would make him feel like less of a man, he already is.
Later OP came back with this edit/update:
So I just got done talking with my husband about the idea of me not wanting to get my tubes tied, and my fears involved. I'm not sure if this was the result yall were wanting/expecting but he was beyond understanding and receptive. He basically shrugged and said that if I didn't want to get my tubes tied he would just get a vasectomy and that was that.
I asked him what his hesitations involved with a vasectomy were and reassured him that I wasn't trying to force him or convince him to get snipped, I just wanted to share my fears involved. He didn't list any reasons for not wanting to get it done.
If I didn't know better I'd think he never had a problem with a vasectomy.. but I know he's expressed before that he didn't want one. Maybe he was joking because it wasn't in a serious conversation setting? Or maybe me leading with my fears made him less afraid of his own possible procedure?
To be honest he seemed more interested in the game he was playing 🤣 but there you have it. Hubs will discuss getting a vasectomy at his appointment next month, and I will let my OB know that I've decided against getting my tubes tied (for now, at least) because of the possible complications.
So yeah 😅 turns out no one's the AH 🤷♀️ but yall are definitely the comedic geniuses. I appreciated all the stories and laughs 🥰