"AITA for not using my daughter's college fund to support my future grandchild?"

I (45F) have been a single mother to my daughter (18F) ever since her father passed away when she was a baby. It was hard pulling us through, but we made it. I finished my degree, earn a nice job with a high salary, and we now live comfortable. One of my priorities was setting aside a college fund for my daughter.

Her father had started one when he found out I was pregnant and I chose to add onto it once he passed. When she was 17, I sat down with her and told her that once she is ready for college to not worry because I and her dad have saved up money for her education. I told her this money could go towards tuition, housing, food, books, etc.

She planned on moving into an apartment in the same state as the school and attending some online classes/some in person. Anything to make her college life comfortable and fun I was willing to offer. I wanted the best for her because when I went to college I struggled financially. She was grateful and thanked me.

Obviously the pandemic has made school different for everyone and senior year of hs was difficult for her, but she was still accepted into one of the top schools in the nation (USA) and I was so proud of her. 4 days ago she sat me down and told me that she was pregnant. I was shocked because she was on birth control. I figured it was an accident.

She's due in September, right when school starts. that meant we had to back out signing a lease for her future apartment and would have to stay home to raise the baby. Starting college with a newborn would have been a challenge, but doable. So I accepted it. until later that night I overheard--NOT eavesdrop--her convo with her boyfriend.

She told her bf not to worry about supporting the baby, she would just use her college money for it. I also heard that she'd been lying to me. Turns out she decided to stop taking the pill simply because she wanted to switch to a different bc, but she didn't tell me. So for the past three months she's been picking up her bc and she wasn't taking them.

If she wanted to switch to something else like the implant or an IUD I would have supported it. I'm not some stuck up prude, I was open to my daughter about protecting herself from STIs/pregnancy so this choice confuses me. Next night I told her that she and her boyfriend would have to find a way to support the baby because her college fund was for COLLEGE only.

She broke down, asking me how she was going to manage to support her baby when she nor her bf had a job. I told her she should have thought about that before she spread her legs with no contraception. She called me a horrible mother and grandmother bc I was setting them up for failure. I told her that I set her up for success yet she chose the route which made things difficult for her.

She told some other family members and are saying I'm the TA and should think of the child. I replied that while I love my grandchild, I plan on staying firm about the college fund. But now I'm unsure. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Chance_Guidance_9066 said:

NTA. She made that choice as an adult and needs to learn there are consequences. I decently like the comment about setting up a trustfund for the future grandchild. I'd ask your daughter if she ever plans on going to college, and if she doesn't plan on it turn it into that grandchild's trust fund.

OP responded:

This sounds like a great idea for the future grand child trust fund. The last time we talked (it's been a few days now because she's still mad at me LOL) she agreed to stay home and have the baby, do all classes online, find a part time job as soon as she was able.

I was willing to support them for a few months while she recovered and looked for a job, but ever since I found out about the lying I have such mixed feelings about it. If later down the road she decides she isn't ready for college that's fine. The fund will still be there for her and/or her daughter when she decides to further education. Ty for your input :)

LMGooglyTFY said:

NTA. She tried to scam you into paying for her planned teen pregnancy.

GroundbreakingWing48 said:

NTA - your money, your choice. But I wouldn’t anticipate her and the baby moving out anytime soon.

OP responded:

Oh, trust me. I'm well aware they'll be here for quite awhile. sigh TY for your input :)

youraverageslytherin said:

Please don't enable her. Is there someone else she could stay with? You've done an excellent job as a parent, and it seems a shame the burden of her mistake should pass to you. Also, if she stays with you, it would be very easy for you to end up being the child's caretaker

And OP responded:

At the moment, no, there is nowhere else for her. Home is the safest place for her and the unborn child at the moment. I plan on reaching out to her boyfriend's parents soon (we're friends on Facebook) to discuss further plans.

AcanthisittaAVI said:

NTA Daughter cant even support herself let alone a child. Is she too far along for an abortion? Why would she even plan for a baby when she not even got an education or a job?!

And OP responded:

The state we live in allows termination up to the 15th week I believe. Not too sure honestly. She's still within that window but already decided on keeping the baby, which I support her choice to keep it if it means she can manage the consequences as well.

In regards to the second part of your question, I have NO idea where this is coming from. She started birth control when she was 14 because she has menorrhagia (extremely heavy/painful periods) so we started her on the pill to alleviate those symptoms. They also worked as a contraceptive when she started being sexually active at 17.

I've always been very open and honest with her about this stuff in general, I've never shamed her and only encouraged to do everything safely. For her to stop the pill and continue to sleep with her boyfriend with no other form of contraceptive (not even condoms) boggles my mind. Idk what made her lie about her birth control to me but hopefully I can get answers when we all have a chat.

That's all for now, folks. We'll keep you posted on any future updates!