Pregnant trans man bans MIL from delivery room over her intolerance, 'she started crying.' AITA? UPDATED
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"AITA for telling my MIL that she’s not going to be in the room when I give birth?"
Before I begin I need to clarify that I’m a trans man, I was afab but transitioned about five years ago. I (30m) am 38 weeks pregnant with mine and my husband James’ (33m) first child. We had talked about children before I transitioned, and we both said we wanted them. After I transitioned, he asked me if I would be okay with carrying our child, and if I’m not, we could look into other options.
I told him I still wanted to carry our child as I always wanted to experience it. I haven’t started T or gotten surgery because I wanted to wait until I had kids. I didn’t mind waiting either. I feel somewhat okay in my body, and whenever I do feel dysphoric, my husband is always there to help me.
When I transitioned, James was and is still very supportive. However, his family did not take it well. They continue to call me by my dead name, along with the wrong pronouns. Whenever James or I correct them, they bring up the fact that I don’t have the right parts, and I don’t look or sound like a man either.
It upset me at the start as I had been very close with his family, but now I’ve gotten used to it and do my best to ignore it. James however, can’t get past it, and when someone says something, he ends up arguing with them.
When we told his family that I was pregnant, they were all excited, as this was the first baby born into the family. My MIL especially was very excited and began telling me about different things I needed to do to keep the baby healthy.
As the months passed, I kept hearing comments about me being a mom, even though I made it clear that I want the baby to call me Papa or Dad. I’ve been told that I can’t have a ‘silly’ surgery to remove my breasts because I need them to feed my baby. Also, they’re glad I came to my senses about pretending to be a man.
We found out we were having a little boy, and almost instantly, we picked a name for him. We both love anything to do with space, and we wanted our firstborn to have a space-related name, so we decided that our little boy would be called Leo, after the constellation.
My MIL wasn’t happy with that name and started calling him Isaac. James and I corrected her numerous times, telling her that it wasn’t our son's name, but she wouldn’t listen. She got a blanket, a few onesies and a teddy bear with the name Isaac engraved on them. She told us that when we see him, we’ll see that she was right, and we’ll name him Isaac.
We decided to do a hospital birth, and my MIL demanded that she be in the room so she could see her first grandchild being born. Neither James or I want her there, we want it to be a special moment with just the two of us. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Last week, we were at their house for dinner, and she began bragging to the rest of the family that she would be there when I had the baby. James snapped and told her she wasn’t going to be there, especially with how she treated me over the past few years with my transition.
She got upset and yelled at him about this being an important moment for her, but James wasn’t having it, and they both got into a pretty heated argument. I had enough and told her to f-k off and take no for an answer, or she wasn’t going to ever see her grandson.
She started crying, and I received multiple glares from the rest of the family. James and I left, and neither of us spoke during the ride home, but when he got home, he said he was sorry for how he acted and didn’t mean to upset me. I told him it wasn’t his fault and he had every right to say something. We spent the night cuddled in bed, watching TV and feeling our son kick.
In the last few days, I’ve received numerous messages from people telling me that I shouldn’t have threatened my MIL, that I had no right to do that, and that I should apologize. I’ve even gotten messages from some of our friends who heard the story from James’ sisters.
I replied, saying that she needed to apologize for overstepping and not listening to a word James or I had said. The responses to that weren’t kind, and I haven’t replied. I keep being bombarded with messages, and now James is as well. Did we go too far? Should we apologize for how we handled the situation? James says no, but I don’t know what to do.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AppeltjeEitje1079 said:
NTA, I can't believe the entitlement of your MIL! She is way out of line: she does not get to decide your child's name, nor does she has the right to be in the room when he gets born! You have an awesome husband! You did nothing wrong, she simply wouldn't listen to your reasonable voice! Good luck and fwiw I think Leo is a beautiful name!
PeanutGallery10 said:
NTA. Mine wanted to be in the room. She pushed and argued and cried. My partner told her no over and over. I finally told her she was on the edge of never seeing her grandson if she kept arguing. She moaned about that but finally shut up. She just couldn't understand my mother being allowed in. The woman who raised me and was my biggest emotional support.
And mil had already been present for her daughter's delivery. My sil stood up for me, saying she wanted her mother not her mil for the same reasons. Ironically, my younger sister in law, (BIL's gf at the time) told our mutual mil not to plan on being in the delivery room if she had kids. MIL tried to make a stink over that too. SIL lucked out, she got pregnant and delivered in another country, because her husband was deployed overseas.
ProfessionSanity said:
NTA. If you're having a hospital birth notify the nurses and staff that she's not allowed in no matter what.
Laquila said:
NTA. Nobody gets to dictate to you that they will be in the delivery room. Do not apologize because you have nothing to apologize for.You and your husband need to stop talking to these people. Talking, asking, arguing is a pointless waste of time and energy. It's clear they do not care what you want or need. It's ALL about MIL and her inappropriate and selfish demands.
They need consequences for being such aholes, not more talk or arguments. A time-out would be the least thing you need to do. Cut them all out til after your delivery because you do not need the stress.
Tell your doctor and hospital staff to not allow her anywhere near you when you deliver. Better yet, do not inform anyone you are in labor. It's none of their business. Your MIL is imagining herself as a replacement mother, right down to naming YOUR baby. Shatter her fantasies, and don't feel bad about it.
simply_clare said:
NTA. She has zero respect for you (evidenced by the continued use of your deadname) and now she thinks you and your husband will bend to her will over your child’s name. I’d be cutting or at the very least, minimising contact. As for everyone who has weighed in with an opinion, it’s literally none of their business. Enjoy your new baby boy and I hope you have a safe delivery.
HourAcanthisitta7970 said:
NTA but you both need to be very firm with boundaries, probably even go low/no contact for a while. She's been allowed to treat you terribly and completely overstep for a long time.
UPDATE:
Okay, so James went over to his parents a couple days after my post to pick up some things. I don’t know what they talked about, but when he came home, he was pissed and told me that we were never going to see them again.
I didn’t argue with him, but later that night, I asked him what happened, and all he said was, “I can’t believe those people are related to me” I didn’t ask anything else and just hugged him tightly.
A few days later, I went into labor. James and I didn’t tell anyone, and we spent the next thirty-four hours together, and when our beautiful baby boy made his appearance, it was just us, just like we wanted, and it was amazing.
I was able to go home two days after I gave birth, and when we arrived home, we found James’ family in our living room. We never gave any of them a key to our house. The only people to have keys are me and James. James was furious and started telling them to leave, but they refused to go.
They tried to see Leo, but James pulled the cover on the baby carrier down, which blocked their view of him. They started yelling, demanding that we show them Leo. James’ mom called Leo Isaac again and said it was her right to see him as his grandmother.
James handed the carrier to me and told me to go to the bedroom with Leo. I didn’t hesitate and left the room. I heard shouting coming from both James and his family. James threatened them by saying he’d call the cops if they didn’t go, and that got them to shut up. About fifteen minutes later, I heard the front door open and close, and James came upstairs.
When he stepped into the bedroom he just broke down. He collapsed onto the ground and sobbed. My heart broke, and I hurried over to him and held him in my arms. He kept apologizing to me over and over, and when I said it was okay, and we’d figure something out, he just kept saying no and apologizing again.
When he calmed himself down, he told me he just wanted his family to be happy for him, to love him, and to respect him. He kept thinking of what he did wrong to make them feel this way, and the longer he did that, he began to get upset again. I stopped him and firmly told him that he didn’t need them. That his family was right here.
That me and Leo aren’t going anywhere and will always love him. We spent the rest of the day in bed talking about what to do, with Leo between us. Since that day, we’ve been in contact with the police, and they’ve been so helpful and kind about our situation.
It’s been hard on James, but he knows it’s best for us not to contact them anymore. We hope this will be done soon, and we can put it behind us and focus on the future. But for now, we’re enjoying being a family of three and doting on our little boy every chance we get <3
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
Trick_Parsley_3077 said:
Congrats on your Baby Boy, may you, husband and Leo be happy and healthy in your lives together! So sorry for your husband’s ordeal with his Toxic Family! How did they gain entrance into your home and how did they know you were coming home from hospital that day? NTA.
vanilla_waffles4ever said:
Definitely NTA. Good for you both because it’s easy to allow toxic family to overstep your boundaries and it’s important to stand firm on those boundaries, especially after the insurmountable disrespect they’ve shown you both. I love the name Leo and especially that it’s meaningful to you! Congrats to you both! It sounds like you’ll be great daddies and will love your child fiercely.
Bibliophile_w_coffee said:
NTA. Congratulations!
geekylace said:
Your story makes me seriously want to hug all three of you and protect you from that family. I am so sorry you have to endure all of that. Do what you need to do to protect your nuclear family. anyone who doesn't support or love you for who you are doesn't deserve to be in your life. I'm glad that Leo has two great dads to teach him what real love and support looks like.