Pregnant woman backs out of baby name agreement she made years ago with husband. AITA?
"AITA For backing out on an agreement my husband and I made years ago regarding potential kid names?"
My husband (38M) and I (37F) have been married for 11-years and have 2 daughters (8 & 4). I am currently 12-weeks pregnant with our third child. I just had an ultrasound and we were able to determine the sex of the baby, a little boy. We have found out the gender of all of our children this way.
My husband is a "third." As in, John Smith III. Before we got married and were having discussions about kids, he did make it very clear that passing down his name was very important to him if we had a son. At the time I thought it was really cute and adorable how much pride he took in it since most guys don't really care about that sort of sentimental stuff. But as the years have gone by I've definitely cooled on the idea quite a bit and I don't think I want to have our son be named after my husband that way.
Obviously, with our first 2 kids we didn't even have to think about it. But when we were choosing names for our daughters, my husband was very much in the "you can take the lead on naming our daughter because I already have the name picked out if we have a son" camp. It's not like he wasn't involved in naming our daughters, but he definitely deferred to my opinion.
So, when we found out we were having a boy, my husband was very excited. On the car ride home after the ultrasound it was all he could talk about. He was giddy like a teenager talking about how proud he would be of sharing his name with his son.
I don't know if it was the best time to bring this up, but I kind of had one of those "yeah, about that" moments. I told him how I know we had talked about this many times before with our other kids and that I technically agreed to it years ago, but I don't think I want to name our son the same as my husband.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone's mood change so quickly and visibly as my husband's did in that moment. It was like all the joy went out of his body all at once. I told him that I just don't want our son to be a "fourth." It seems tacky and has weird aristocratic vibes that just don't seem right to me. I told him that I am not totally against the idea, but I don't want to just agree to it right now because I want time to think about other names too.
He took that as me basically saying that I am going back on our years-long agreement and that there is no way we are naming our son after him. He said this is pretty much me telling him "maybe" when I really mean "no."
This has taken all of his excitement about the baby away. He's been withdrawn and quiet with me ever since. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me he has nothing to say because he's been very clear about where he stands on this and he feels betrayed by my change of heart. I asked him if he would want to think of some other names together and he told me to give him a list and he'll look at it when he can. I know I technically agreed to this years ago, but it just doesn't feel right to me anymore.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Active-Anteater1884 said:
Let me understand. You made an agreement with your husband. You got to name the girls, he would name a boy. You benefited from this agreement twice. Now, when it's his turn to benefit, you have some moral objection to naming a kid IV. You don't like the weird, aristocratic vibes.
(I don't necessarily disagree with you about that, btw.) But surely, four years ago (when you had your second child), you felt those same vibes? But you nonetheless took the lead in naming your daughter, without, at that time, saying, "I feel weird about the IV thing, so why don't you take the lead on this, honey?"
I mean, because people just MIGHT think you went along with naming a kid "IV" eight years ago because it gave you the lead in naming your first child who you knew to be a daughter; and again four years ago, in naming your second child who you knew to be a daughter; and have only now developed "weird vibes" when you husband gets to take the lead in naming a child. YTA.
SushiGuacDNA said:
YTA. You didn't "technically agree", you "actually agreed". The fact that you said "technically agreed" makes me feel like you know you are screwing up, but you are playing word games to back away from it. That makes you "technically an ahole."
Bureaucratic_D$ck said:
YTA. I don’t normally think a person should be held to standards they agreed to years ago, but this is something you discussed before you even got married. You knew, from the get go, that it was something he wanted, and you agreed to it. He feels like you’re going back on your word because YOU ARE.
It’s not like this is some crazy name either. It’s a family tradition three generations running so far. He made it clear he wants it to continue for at least one more, and you are trying to derail that for no good reason.
laurasdiary said:
YTA. This is cruel and just wrong. You were fine to benefit and let him defer to you on your other children’s names, but refuse to keep your word now. You’re being selfish and destroying a tradition your husband clearly cares about. For what? You need to rethink your priorities.
StevieB85 said:
YTA. Not only did you agree to this over a decade ago, you re-affirmed the agreement when you had each of your other children. Additionally, you don't even give a rational reason why you've changed your mind, just you now suddenly think its "tacky."
He told you before you got married, and you've seen how much it means to him. It was an extremely AH move to destroy his happiness like that. He was literally "giddy" with how excited he was, and you chose to destroy that moment for him, without any concrete reason. Just you no longer feel like it.
Additionally, you decided to shoot down the entire idea, on what seems like a whim, without even a hint at compromising. Maybe you keep the first, last, and fourth, but go with a different middle name. Maybe the baby's name is "John Middle Smith IV" and he goes by a nickname, initials like J.M., etc.
The biggest issue in this is you unilateral dictation that this is suddenly not an option. There are many discussions that can be had. But more over, you decided to destroy your husbands happiness and joy in that moment. That's the biggest AH part.
hellojello7563 said:
Sorry, but YTA. You made an agreement with him about this, and he clearly has been very excited about it. It's not fair for you to take it back just because you have gotten your way with the girls' names and now feel hesitant about your son. This is clearly important to him and you need to support that. The time to express your concerns was earlier on in the relationship.
Responsible-End-6371 said:
YTA OP. You're not gonna find much support for your position here. You had an agreement and then you negged on it while giving a terrible excuse. It's obvious that you have felt this way for a long time, and instead of discussing it with him years ago, you decided to wait until now. That's a bait and switch there, and it is highly frowned upon. If you have any respect for your husband at all, apologize and let him name the baby.