Pregnant woman bans MIL and 'friend' from baby shower, 'she accused us.' AITA?
"AITAH for not wanting my MIL at my baby shower?"
Some background info: My MIL (46 F) hasn’t had the easiest life. Throughout childhood & marriage she’s had to overcome a lot of obstacles, which is why her friends have basically become her found family.
Unfortunately, that means her children have always kind of taken a backseat to her friends. For example, she would kick her children out of their rooms if she had a friend that needed a place to stay (I’m talking extended stays like 3+ months).
She even invited random friends the week of to her daughter's expensive wedding without permission (yes, some of them showed up and ate and drank for free at the wedding).
Recently she has had one friend Maria (35F) that has become basically part of the family. She does everything with her, and Maria comes to every family event. Last year Maria decided she wanted to have children before it was too late.
My MIL decided to help her with her IVF journey. I’m pretty sure she helped fund it along with attending all the appointments. The potential baby became all they would talk about.
They asked us to constantly send prayers, asked my SIL & her husband if they wanted to be the godparents, talked about baby names, how they really wanted a boy, and even asked my husband to donate sperm (he refused).
It got to the point that my husband and his siblings were starting to resent this whole idea. The first IVF treatment Maria had sadly failed, and MIL was depressed but optimistic for future implantations.
The main post: About 2 months after the failed treatment, my (25F) and my husband (27M) found out we were pregnant. When we announced to our immediate families, everyone seemed genuinely happy for us. This would be the first grandchild on both sides.
However, things started to get a little funky when we announced the gender of our child several weeks later. Upon hearing that our child would be a boy, my MIL seemed kind of put off. She kept insisting that we were having a girl, and that she even had a dream about it.
I did the genetic testing, so it definitely wasn’t wrong. Also got further confirmation from the ultrasound we were having a boy. Turns out Maria really wanted a son for herself and they were disappointed I was having the “first boy” of the family. Need I remind you that Maria isn’t even related to my husband’s family.
Shortly after, they decided to do the 2nd treatment. Sadly, her body rejected implantation again. After finding this out, my MIL accused us & her other children of the reason Maria wasn’t getting pregnant.
She said we were basically sending “bad vibes” and wishing for her to not have a baby. I won’t go into details, but the conversation got to the point where my husband was tearing up saying he didn’t want his mom in the delivery room, and I was so stressed out that I was spotting blood the next 2 days.
A couple days later, my mom called to talk to me about my baby shower. My family lives far away in another state while I live close to my husband’s family. Due to this we decided to have 2 baby showers. My husband unfortunately cannot take off work when my family’s shower is happening, so his sister offered to come along with me so I wouldn’t have to travel alone.
My husband said if his sister was going, I should invite the rest of his family to attend. When I told him I didn’t want to invite MIL, he told me it’d be extremely rude of me to just exclude her.
I tried to explain that she just caused so much drama, and that Maria would also tag along if MIL accepted the invite. He just kept saying I’d be the ahole for at least not extending an invite to her.
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
Realistic_Head4279 said:
NTA. The shower at your mother's is the one for YOUR side of the family. The fact that your SIL is going to drive you there and be present does not change that. You need to stand firm that you will be having another shower where you live that will include his entire side of the family. Plus, you really don't want to obligate or seem to obligate them to attend two showers and provide two gifts.
ThatWhichLurks782 said:
NTA, MIL keeps making everyone stressed out and uncomfortable. This is supposed to be a happy time.
Opposite-Car-3954 said:
NTA. What planet did he just escape?! Did he not just witness the drama?? Your SIL is doing you a favor. That favor does not mean you then need to invite MIL and subsequently Mariah.
Where do you stop the insanity of that request?! Mariah’s dogs former owners roommate from college?! Not just no but hell no. He can keep his drama mama back home.
NerdySwampWitch40 said:
NTA. It's your baby shower. If you are having two, his Mom can come to the one his family throws. Go with just SIL and have a good time. That said, have any of you considered that Maria might be more than MIL's friend and they just haven't come out to y'all? Is Maria living with MIL?
OkConsideration8964 said:
NTA . Your MIL sounds like she needs a mental health professional.
TheDarkHelmet1985 said:
NTA for any reason. More importantly, if she stresses you out that bad, traveling with her will be a nightmare. How do you think that will affect your pregnancy? your husband needs to grow up and realize it's his mom being the AH for the treatment of everyone except her friend.