Pregnant woman breaks naming tradition of honoring late family, 'My husband hates them.' AITA?
"AITA for ending a family naming tradition by not giving my son my late nephew's name as his middle name even though my sister has said she wants me to?"
My family have always had this tradition where the first child born after the loss of someone in the family gets the late family member's name as their middle name. My sister and I both have those middle names. Hers is Patricia after a cousin of our mom's and mine is Denise after my dad's aunt.
Almost a year ago my sister lost her 2 day old son, Philip. He was the last family member we lost and it was a huge, earth shattering blow for our family. I found out I was pregnant a few months ago.
I waited a while to tell anyone and my sister was the first person we told, privately. When I told her she said it would be nice to have some positive news to focus on and she wanted me to continue the tradition our family keeps and give my baby, if a boy, the middle name Philip. She was so happy about the idea. It surprised me a lot. I would have figured she would not be okay with it. But she wanted it.
The problem is my husband and I do not want to continue with the tradition. We do not want to give our son the middle name Philip. The name isn't one either of us likes or would ever pick ourselves...We have not announced the sex of our baby yet but my husband and I know we are expecting a boy.
My family were saying how amazing it will be if my baby is a boy and Philip's name can be carried on...I suggested they wait until we announce the sex and the name before jumping to conclusions.
They asked why and I said we were thinking of not continuing with the tradition. My family, and by that I mean my parents mostly, were really upset. My sister was the worst though. She asked why I wouldn't want to honor Philip and why it was him the tradition was getting broken on.
She asked if I saw him as meaning so little and I said no, of course not. Then she asked if it was his name and we didn't like it. She said she really hoped it wasn't that. I said we just didn't feel like the tradition was something we wanted to continue.
The decision has brought up a lot of bad feelings and my sister is especially angry and thinks I'm being insensitive and showing how little I care for my nephew. I feel terrible. She's so angry at me and my parents are unhappy as well.
My husband hates them for putting this pressure on us. He said we should be allowed to name our son what we want and we should not be obliged to use a certain name. I never wanted to be an asshole but my family believes I am. AITA?
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:
aj_alva said:
NTA. You and your husband have the right to name your child whatever you want. However, your family also has the right to be hurt. Not only is this a tradition, but it's a tradition that honors people the family has lost.
Keep in mind how rarely a middle name is actually used. Is this something you are willing to create a fight over? (As you say your husband "hates" your family for putting so much pressure on the name.)
RefrigeratorFun4676 said:
NTA - it may be a tradition for your family, but it's not for your partner. This baby is both yours and your partners, so it's up to you both how you go about naming your child. I understand your family's feelings, but these expectations that someone else who had nothing to do with deciding these traditions will just go with it also seem too one-sided.
Original_Rock5157 said:
NTA. However, why does the sister not want to reserve that name to use as a middle name if she ever has another child?
loverlyone said:
NTA I hate that tradition. It immediately colors the name for the baby. ETA I’m not against honoring someone by naming your child after them. My own son has my fathers name as his middle.
I just think this is too much considering how recently this family suffered the tragic loss of of a newborn. What if the child doesn’t live up to some expectation perceived by the parents due to his name? I think it could easily become a responsibility and obligation for the child. It’s too soon and too close, IMO.
shammy_dammy said:
NTA There's a saying that traditions are peer pressure from the dead.
ThatWhichLurks782 said:
NTA- naming a child after another previously passed child is bad luck. Start a new tradition of some kind with your husband, you aren't obligated to keep your family's tradition.
genescheesesthatplz said:
NTA. At the risk of being tactless, It seems weird to assume your child would carry a dead baby’s name. I soooort of get the tradition if it’s an older family member who passed. But expecting your child to carry their baby cousins name after they passed is weird.