Pregnant woman horrified by MIL's reaction to her pregnancy reaction; 'I made her cry.' AITA? UPDATED
When this pregnant woman is furious with her MIL's reaction to her pregnancy, she asks the internet:
"AITA for making MIL cry?"
I(23f) have been in a relationship with Andrew(26m) for 3yrs. We hit it off pretty quickly and after a year we moved in together. After a couple months of dating he introduced me to some of his family members, including his mother Nora (60-ish f).
She had raised him as a single mother and she was very close to Andrew. She wasn’t very warm towards me but she wasn’t rude either. The longer we were together the more we would meet her and she never warmed up to me.
After awhile I realized she just didn’t like me and yes I was disappointed but I tried not to think about it too much.
I had mentioned it to Andrew and he said that’s just how his mom behaved with his past girlfriends and that I shouldn’t worry. On July 9th Andrew and I organized a small get together with Nora, his aunt Melinda ,Chris and Tiff (his cousins) and my mother Cindy.
My fiancé and I wanted to announce my pregnancy as I am 4 months pregnant. When we gathered everyone and told them they were ecstatic and congratulating us except Nora. When we went to her she hugged Andrew, congratulated him, and barely acknowledged me.
I just walked away because I knew they would start talking and Nora exclude me from the conversation, and I went towards Andrew’s cousins who I’m close to. We talked about the baby’s gender (we want it to be a surprise) how I would decorate the baby’s room.. Normal baby chatter.
I was with the cousins but I was still within earshot of Andrew and Nora and noticed that she was excitedly talking about how she would ‘take such good care’ of the baby because she has always been a ‘mom at heart’.
I’m not going to lie I probably overthink but that last comment pissed me off. She kept talking like I wasn’t in the picture. By the end of the get together I was mad and waited until she left to go talk to Andrew.
I told him I thought her comments were weird and that considering she’s never liked me it just feels like she thinks she’s going to replace me. Andrew just said that she wants to be a ‘hands-on’ grandmother as it’s her first grand-baby and that it’s not that deep.
Yesterday (July 15th) Tiff sent me a message asking me if I knew that Nora was telling her church people
(I’m not really religious I don’t know if theres a proper term) that she was being blessed and she would welcome a baby in her life because ‘God could see how much love she had to give back’, that she would name it after her grand-mother and just a bunch of nonsense.
I told Andrew what I knew and he finally acknowledged how weird and creepy her lies were and he called her to set things straight. He told me she started crying and that he felt bad but I feel like she’s just plain crazy and is trying to guilt trip him.
I sent her a message that as long as she can’t accept that I am the child’s mother and to respect me she won’t be in the child’s life. Melinda said I went way too far and that I have no business ‘attacking her faith’ (which i don’t believe i ever did?) So AITA?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
economy77 writes:
It is really important that he start taking your side and stop dismissing her bad behavior as “just the way she is”. She’s going to have to change the way she is if she wants access to YOUR child. Her child is Andrew.
This baby isn’t hers. If she can’t treat the baby’s mother with respect and civility AT LEAST, she doesn’t get access to the baby AT ALL. No babysitting, no visits, nothing. This is a hill to die on.
Marriage counseling never sounds enchanting. My husband resisted it for years and we frequently fought over him prioritizing his parents over me. Once I finally insisted on counseling, it saved our marriage. NTA.
freebumbleeee6 writes:
NTA. Good for you for putting your foot down and helping him to open his eyes. And, even though his comment about her being like this with any prior gf was said in the past, take the time to educate him on some of the unhealthy obsessions mothers (single or not) can have regarding their sons. It can be creepy and even escalate to dangerous territory.
Help him understand that his mom’s behaviors need to be taken seriously and show him accounts from others who have endured the same toxicity. Women like her want to be the only woman in their son’s life and believe the ground they (MIL) walk on turns to gold and no other women could measure up.
heatherlow65 writes:
NTA. I’m confused. How did you make her cry? You spouse was the one who told her to cool it, albeit at your urging. Sounds like two need to pay t your heads together and come up with detailed boundaries about how this GP will be involved in your child’s life.
It’s up to you if you want it communicate them to the GP or if you just want to agree and keep the boundaries. Often it is counter productive in a situation to communicate the boundaries to the affected party because they will just argue and stir up trouble, hence the need for the boundary in the first place.
bsera writes:
NTA. There's some serious emotional in~st going on with her and her son. That's why she doesn't like you. Glad to hear he's opening his eyes now.
Now this part is important : Keep a book and write all your rules/boundaries and of any incidents she pulls. This is crucial for two reasons.
The big one is if she sues for grandparents rights (certain states/countries have these, so check yours) you can fight it as damaging/not having a real relationship. Two, if she really escalates when kiddo is born and you have to get a restraining order. It gives a track record of proof.
Write a will early. Specifically stating she is NOT to be given custody should anything happen. Write a birth plan and make sure your hospital knows she isn't allowed. Any future daycare/school can be told she isn't allowed pick up. A paper trail is really important to cover your butts.
It's REALLY important you check if grandparent's rights applies where you live/might move. And know them WELL if they do. Sometimes you can't even let her have any relationship without risking grounds for visitation rights.
And now, OP's update:
I talked to Andrew about couple’s counseling and he doesn’t seem enchanted but he said if it makes me feel more secure he’ll do it.
Nora’s been flooding his phone all day saying everything is a misunderstanding and that I’m twisting everything out of proportion because I’m a crazy hormonal pregnant lady. I will update if anything happens with her.
Basically after her scene on the phone with my fiancé she spammed his phone with texts saying I’m the crazy hormonal pregnant lady and then she went very quiet (he didn’t block her she just stopped texting).
This morning she showed up (DH was at work and she knew that) claiming she deserved an explanation for how she was being treated, that she only had the baby’s best interests at heart and that trying to stop that would be going against my child and being a bad parent.
I told her that I was done taking her attitude and that she isn’t the victim and that she was delusional for thinking she could treat me poorly and still be around my baby (thank you to the user commenting that you all really helped me see the situation clearly).
Calling her delusional really upset her and I knew she would just start her victim rant so I showed her out (I had let her in she doesn’t have a key and never will). I called DH before she would have a chance to do so and change the entire narrative to make me the bad guy.
I told him he either gets his mother in check or I will be going away until the baby is born because I am not dealing with the stress of having a crazy woman around. He said he understood and he went home early.
DH and his cousins are on my side but of course his aunt and MIL are the same (I blocked them both, aunt kept sending messages telling me I need to apologize). Like someone recommended we’re going to put them on an ‘info diet’.
Unless they apologize sincerely and there’s a change in their behavior (which I highly doubt) they will not have access to my child and I will only let them know the bare minimum.
I’m honestly not delusional enough to believe that this is the last of it but I feel like I can take a break from them for the next few months.