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Pregnant woman's husband makes nanny quit; 'Things were getting way too weird.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

Pregnant woman's husband makes nanny quit; 'Things were getting way too weird.' AITA? UPDATED 3X


When this woman is shocked by her husband's behavior with their nanny, she asks the internet:

"My husband made our nanny quit. AITA?"

I 29f am married to my husband 34m and we have a nanny 21. We hired our nanny over a year ago when I was pregnant with our baby girl while I had a toddler 2 at the time now 4 as well and couldn’t do much and my husband couldn’t be with me all the time due to his work.

She is amazing with our girls, she has helped me so much during the last few months of my pregnancy and especially postpartum. None of my friends are pregnant yet so they couldn’t always help me and I don’t have mom nor am I close to mother in law, I didn’t have anyone to confide in like that.

Our nanny has so much experience and was so amazing to me. She made me amazing soups and stews from her culture that were made to help pregnant women.

It was amazing, she would make my toddler have quiet time which was even more amazing. She is always on time, she’s very clean, an amazing cook, really fun with the girls, and a good teacher as well.

Our nanny and my husband only met once and that was during our zoom meeting and they have never met after that. Since she gets here after my husband leaves and leaves before he comes back, they’ve never crossed paths before.

3 weeks ago me and husband got really sick and so my husband stayed home from work. Due to how sick I was I forgot to relay this information to our nanny. Our baby has been extremely clingy the past few months and will cry if left alone.

I usually bring her in the bathroom with me but the bathroom downstairs is much smaller so our nanny can’t do that as comfortably.

She decided to just start using the bathroom with the door cracked open and would give our baby a toy outside so she’s not tempted to come in but can still see her. I’m aware of this and am fine with it since it’s only us girls home.

while my husband was home unbeknownst to her, she went to use the bathroom with the door open and my husband saw her. She completely freaked out and apologized profusely.

She was wearing a romper so she was almost completely undressed when he saw her. I had no issue and apologized to her that I forgot to let her know my husband was home. Everything was fine but I sensed she was extremely uncomfortable which I kept apologizing for.

The next few days my husband started going to work late and coming home early to which there would be more interactions between him and the nanny. When I hired our nanny one of the things she told me was that she wasn’t comfortable with adult men in the house which was not a problem since our arrangement didn’t allow it.

When he would see her, he kept trying to make personal conversations which our nanny redirected to the girls. Last week, she spoke with me and reminded me of the agreement we had which was no adult men in the house and that she was uncomfortable. I completely understood where she was coming from.

I spoke with my husband and he apologized to her and me. The next day he went to work normal then 2 days later he told me he had to work from home since his office is getting worked on.

We talked to our nanny and my husband told us that he would stay upstairs the whole time. Which worked for the rest of last week. Monday he “accidentally” forgot his coffee and went to get it while our nanny was there.

He was asking her personal questions. He asked her how was her weekend which she responded “good” and then he had the nerve to ask her if she saw her boyfriend. She responded no and that she didn’t have one.

He went on to ask her what type of men she was into, i went downstairs quickly to stop it. And apologized to our nanny.

When we got upstairs I yelled at him for talking to her like that and reminded him what he agreed to do and that was to stay away from her. I noticed he was monitoring the nanny cam a lot and he told me he was just checking in on the girls. Other creepy stuff started to happen.

Yesterday I had a really bad stomach ache because I’m lactose intolerant and my husband accidentally put whole milk in both of our coffees. I asked him to go end the day with the nanny and lock up the door after her.

Unbeknownst to me, he started asking her what type of men she was into and was telling her how he’s dated black women before and is into them. Our nanny is black….and equally problematic, im not.

He also “jokingly” grabbed her shoulders to pick her up move her aside to get to fridge. Why he didn’t say “excuse me” is beyond me right now. Last night our nanny tried calling me but I was sleeping because I took some medicine for my stomach.

I woke today to see a text from her that she was quit because she didn’t feel comfortable coming to the house anymore.

I texted and called her and she hasn’t picked up. I’m beyond angry at my husband and took some time to calm down but really I can’t. I don’t think I can replace her and truly I don’t want to.

I don’t want start this all over again. We know each other so well, we have inside jokes, we have memories that I can’t recreate. She is someone I have felt comfortable enough to confide in with everything. She has been with me throughout special moments with the kids and even for me.

I’m not upset with her at all and completely understand she may be shaken up by yesterday so I’ve accepted giving her some space. I just really wasnt prepared for this.

First: for people saying our nanny is wrong because my husband lives here and should be comfortable. She came highly recommended from a woman from our church and WE wanted her. She gave us her requirements and one of them was that she’s comfortable working with adult men in the house.

WE agreed, including my husband. Whenever he has finished work early, he stops by somewhere else to work or hang out until nanny leaves. Nanny isn’t “mentally ill” for not wanting men in the house.

She has explained to me that she’s had issues with husbands making weird advances or sometimes wives accusing her of things so to a voice problems she just doesn’t do men in the house.

(Also I explained why nanny used bathroom with door open. It doesn’t happen often as she normally tries to go when baby is down since toddler doesn’t mind.

Second: I still have a nanny because I’m now trying to start work. Third: I do not like my husband nor do I condone his behavior. We have had issues since he became useless to our family.

My needs weren’t grave when I was pregnant. I just needed certain foods, medicine, and help with showers but he wouldn’t help with anything and this was with our first child. And the second one we got a nanny.

I have thought about divorce before but I kind of need his money, if it was just me I’d like have divorced him already but I have kids. So I am aware of what he was trying to do, I have talked to and scolded him.

Fourth: I usually make our coffees but he made them yesterday because baby kept me up all night and he was home. I put the drink in glass containers with labels that it would be easy to mix up. It also tasted the same.

Before we give you OP's three updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

sewingbackkk writes:

Let's be honest here. Your husband se%ually harassed your employee, and made her so uncomfortable she had to quit her job without notice for fear for her safety.

Besides the fact that he was clearly attempting to cheat on you, in your own house, he is clearly a scumbag and predator, who has little to no respect for women. He doesn't seem to respect her, since she made is very clear she didn't reciprocate his interest, yet he didn't back off. And he very obviously doesn't respect you, as he did all of this either in front of you or with you in the house.

Let's be 100% clear on this: had she been into him, he 100% would be actively banging the nanny right now. The only reason he didn't "technically cheat" is because SHE didn't want him.

You need to make some hard decisions right now, whether that be marriage counseling, separation or something else. And let the nanny know you'd like to give her severance and an AMAZING reference for her future employment, and hope to God she doesn't decide to sue.

macabre34 writes:

Listen , the fact this lady doesn't work and is a stay home mother that still makes use of a full-time nanny shows the exact situation.

Her husband is very well off - she knows she has to or has made the conscious decision that she must/has to allow her husband to cheat actively on her or she would be out on her ass - usually someone from true wealth knows well enough how to protect their assests so that their partners can't take them for everything so he's likely a well prepared man.

The only reason this woman is angry is because he chose to try and f her nanny - her friend/confidant etc which has now caused s rift there.

I dont think anyone here telling her her husbands a scumbag or that she needs to leave him really understands the situation.

him cheating is not the problem for her , him trying to f her friend causing her to no longer want to be present in the house Is the issue so read the situation and stop giving pointless advice she already knows and has chosen to accept.

only chance of ensuring this situation does not happen is to hire someone exceptionally unattractive or older than 60 - there , problem solved because there is no chance you're getting your old one back so get over it !

wallstreetliam writes:

I find the whole story inappropriate. Nannies are there to take care of the children not to make you soup. You stepped over the line by having all these rules. It is your husband's house and he should be able to come and go as he feels, without regard to employees.

You need to go out and make some friends. And remember she is and was an employee. What you kind of left out was her immigration status which you or your horny husband could use against her.

Let her go and learn by this important lesson, your employees are just that, be polite, be friendly but don't be a friend. Tell you husband to keep it zipped if he wants to stay married. Bottom line: I feel the real reason for a lot of this was you were overindulged and maybe you should seek some counseling.

And now, OP's first update (4 days later):

This is going to be a bit long because this is the last time I will post about this. Sorry I haven’t been responding to comments or giving any updates sooner. I tried posting some clips and my account got banned for 3 days.

Holy cow I did not expect so much interaction here because I was simply venting. I do have a regular Reddit account but I usually post about about housing and jewelry so I an account for this. I’ll address some things here before the update.

I didn’t marry my husband for money, we dated when I was in college and then he proposed. We loved each other a lot and everything was great in our marriage. When I got pregnant with first child in beginning it was good, he was helpful then somewhere along getting the nursery ready he started being a bit distant.

I always handled everything in house since I didn’t work. But even in the 3rd trimester he refused to help and would always say he’s tired but would play basketball outside or video games. he started working later and it caused some problems.

We got couples counseling and it fixed some things and we were pretty good. Hence the second child happened.

The second pregnancy was really bad, I mean at my first trimester I was in and out the hospital and when at home walking or standing was really hard so I would need help getting to the shower, and things like that or my medication which he didn’t help with and avoided me.

So there would be days where our daughter would only eat left over snacks from our room because I couldn’t move. If you asked him where the cleaning supplies are in the house he wouldn’t know because he’s never cleaned here before.

And he would buy food on the way home and eat and then when he’d get home he’d say he forgot and offer to go get some knowing that where we live he’ll have to drive at least 20 minutes and by the time he’ll get home the baby would already be sleeping.

People who said our nanny was being “prioritized” over my husband is ridiculous. My husband isn’t trapped in the house and we didn’t move our lives around the nanny. The hours she’s here is when my husband is at work. He chose to avoid seeing her and that’s why if he finished early he wouldn’t come home.

She’s not completely full time since she has classes. She comes one week Monday-Friday, and the next M-T-W. People can argue the nanny was only good to us because she got paid but she went out of her way to help me so much.

When I went into labor for our baby now, my husband was out with friends and silenced his calls knowing I was almost due that week.

I called him a bit past midnight several times and he sent the “I’m not available” text that’s automated. I called an ambulance and then called our nanny who then came to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time.

My husband has missed both of our babies births the first was understandable since he was away on a business trip and the baby came earlier than expected. And also this pregnancy literally left me crippled...

I couldn’t walk for months without pain since some bone was broken and things were torn during delivery(all of that pain and they ended doing a c-section). I literally just started walking slightly normally last month…..

The reason we can’t let the baby cry when left alone is because she has developed this weird habit where when she cries, she lets herself fall backwards and sometimes forward. Which is really scary, I can take that risk sometimes but our nanny doesn’t want to which is understandable.

When we met her she let us know requirements for working with us. The main ones were that she didn’t want adult men in the house and that she needed cameras in the house in places where she will be with the kids.

Which we gladly agreed to. She doesn’t go to our church, a women from our church recommended her. But she very well known in our town as she babysits regularly for families and have worked for a lot of them.

Also contrary to popular beliefs, she doesn’t hate men or have some sort of trauma with working with men. It has just proven to be “inconvenient” for her.

And I have seen texts and heard recordings she has from when she worked with men in houses. Her experience ranges from then extremely over paying her to asking her to help with something in their bedroom to sending her nudes.

She made her rule at 17. There are also cases where wives accused her of wanting their husbands due to her making small talks so it has just been easier for her to not be around men when working. She’s not uncomfortable or intimidated but she just prefers not to.

For a lot of the interactions they had I went to watch on the camera after nanny talked to me about being uncomfortable. She has defended herself against my husband before quitting.

Despite all of the negative comments im very glad I posted this as a lot of things people suggested for me getting a divorce are things I hadn’t thought of or knew were possible.

I said this in a comment but I’ll say it here. If it was just me, I would leave my husband because I have friends that can take me or I can even live in shelters but that’s not possible with 2 young children and one is breastfeeding still.

It’s not reasonable for me ask a friend to take in and feed 3 people 2 of which are small children that cry a lot. As of now I have been saving since I started working a bit. But my husband isn’t a direct danger to my girls as they don’t really see each other. When he gets home they are already in bed.

My husband distanced himself. I mentioned this in the comments as well but our baby is teething still and our girl is having nightmares. We had the baby in the bedroom but toddler started coming to our room and they would both cry at night and instead of my husband helping, he moved to a spare room because it’s “annoying” to him.

OP's second update (on the same day):

(wouldn’t let me post the whole thing as one) Yes my husband makes the money, but that doesn’t release him from any responsibilities with the children we have. He literally doesn’t spend time with them.

He doesn’t get birthday gift because he forgets but then when confronted he’ll say “you have the credit card, you should have gotten something” when I try and explain its not the same as HIM getting a gift. This applies to me and our girl.

Im truly blessed to have our nanny in my life. I know in my last post it seemed like a one sided relationship but I also feel like if I mentioned what I do then it would come off bad. But I’ll say it anyway since some people are saying disgusting things. I have treated this woman as my best friend and younger sister.

When she has needed a car because hers needed maintenance, I gladly let her use mine. When she didn’t know certain things with her ex boyfriend, I was more than happy to tell her. I’ve had no issues helping with payments for unexpected things since she’s saving for her own place. we have helped each other.

This woman has taken care of me and family so much. When I was depressed postpartum with our second daughter due to my injury, she went above and beyond making sure I was well. She would call me on her off days to check in on me. She made extra food and put in freezer that I can bake or microwave.

I moved downstairs because it was hard going up and down the stairs and she helped so much with that. When she went through her first break up with her ex, I also helped her, when she needed help, I was more than happy to help.

I agree people say we have a relationship that is beyond employee and employer and I won’t disagree. We’re not lesbians like people are saying, but I think of this girl more of a sister and best friend.

If you want to disrespect my husband, I don’t care and he has made it clear in every one of our arguments that he can take care of himself so go ahead. And I will tolerate disrespect towards me But I won’t for any towards her because she has done nothing wrong.

She is in the right profession clearly because everyone who have worked with her can always vouch for her goodness. She has also worked for men but they still have respected her conditions since they were off to work.

People saying she’s not experienced because she’s 21 and I should get someone older is dumb.

When I was looking through even some that I interviewed, there were women over 30 with less than 2 years of experience so age isn’t entirely the factor for someone’s ability for childcare care. I have friends older than me who have never dealt with a child and don’t know a lot of things in regards to them.

Our nanny has been working with kids her whole life. She watched children including her younger siblings(she is oldest of 4)a lot when she was young, she worked the nursery at her old church and even taught Sunday classes sometimes, babysat throughout middle school and started nannying in high school.

She is CPR certified for children and adults, first aid, child transport, cleaning sanitation, health and safety cooking, and has 4 more certificates for child studies and development for different ages. She’s well qualified and experienced.

My husband being home was completely unplanned as we both woke up sick randomly so he couldn’t go to work. He is aware of the situation for using the bathroom with the baby as he’s seen me do it.

But I don’t think it was intentional as the bathroom that was being used is the one by the kitchen and when get downstairs to go to kitchen you have to pass it and I doubt he was thinking about it because we’re both sick and coughing our lungs out.

I should have let him know and I should have let our nanny know as well but like I said I was completely out of it and didn’t think about it.

He is an awful person but I don’t think he put the milk on purpose. As I said, he doesn’t usually make the coffee, and I had the milks in glass bottles labels that are transparent in black writing, if you’re not paying attention, that can happen. I drink my coffee with lactose free milk and he drinks his with regular milk.

And I didn’t taste the difference. Also nanny wasn’t calling while she was there. She called me later after she left.


The actual update: Our nanny reached out to me and apologized for quitting so abruptly. But I told her she didn’t need to apologize at all because I messed up. We talked a bit and I asked if we could meet and she was more than happy to. I told her about the new information I got in terms of divorcing.

I will be reaching out to several lawyers. I paid her 8 weeks severance as per our contract and she gave me back half to keep in secret from my husband. (She won’t have a problem finding jobs as people were constantly trying to poach her. she also speaks several languages one being French and families here are looking for that.)

she wants to still help with the kids but we are trying to figure out how that will work. We are staying in contact without my husband knowing and hes going to office on Tuesday. I don’t really want to fight with him about his crush since he’s so adamant that he was just trying to make conversation.

People saying he just wanted to know about the person caring for his children, during our zoom meeting with her, he didn’t ask any questions. Nor after a day of work has he asked “how did it go with the nanny” or “how are you liking the nanny” anything like that.

I keep getting these comments and messages saying for me to “just leave”. I’m not putting my children in danger by having them out on the streets or in shelters where children get kidnapped.

They are both small and will cry a lot, not everyone wants to have crying babies in their house especially when they’re not baby people. I’m trying but it’s getting so tiresome having to keep explaining why I can’t “just leave” so thank you.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's updates:

I find it funny everyone is shocked at her having more kids with this guy.. when this post proves he is a predator and a manipulative POS.

It's abuse, my dudes. She was and is being abused. He did the classic escalation: lovely and semi-helpful until she got pregnant, and then he became useless, mean and distant. Then he used couples counseling against her, then knocked her up again.

Not only that, she is a SAHM with no family (bcs she only mentions friends being able to help her) and no savings. He has ALL the power in this relationship.

Stop telling abused people to "just leave", except if you want another JasonInHell news article.

livechicken writes:

Ma'am, your husband is a creep! In fact, it sounds like he could be a predator. He's definitely looking to hook up with her & she is very smart to get out before something happens! He was told multiple times that he makes her uncomfortable and kept doing just that. If I were you, I'd be keeping my eyes on him & looking for a way out myself.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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