Pregnant woman lies to entire family about the gender of her baby; 'I'm doing this for 6 reasons.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman is concerned about her family's reaction to her pregnancy, she asks the internet:

"AITA for lying to my family about the gender of my baby?"

I am 11 weeks pregnant with our third child. We have two boys already (2 and 4). Both sides of grandparents don’t know we are pregnant yet, and we found out today that our third will be a GIRL (via MIPT testing which is over 99% accurate)! This would be very exciting for both sets of grandparents BUT we are considering telling them all that we are pregnant with our third boy instead. The reasons are:

• My MIL literally yelled “NOOOOOOOOO” when we told her the gender of our second boy (having kept the first a secret). She has also told me multiple times I need to give her a granddaughter and thus far I’ve told her she gets what she gets and doesn’t get upset, and that if she wanted a girl she should have had it instead of just having one boy (my husband).

• We know that MIL will start sending clothes (she lives in a different country to us) as soon as she finds out (she even sent girls clothing hopefully for our first not knowing he was a boy), and we are conscious of how our two boys will feel about things arriving for the new baby and not them - the sending wouldn’t be as extreme for a third boy as we already have lots of boy stuff.

• I want to avoid the drama and upset of MIL treats unborn baby girl more favourably than she did my boys (she already shows extreme favouritism to her favourite niece over other girls and boys in the family and sees nothing wrong with it

• We want to avoid MIL coming to our country for the birth (she came a few months later for our boys) as we want to get settled and think if it’s a girl she will want to come ASAP

• Our eldest was born “code blue” and required resuscitation, and before him, we had a miscarriage, and I’m worried about the added pressure on me to birth the first granddaughter from our parents

• We think it would be really exciting once born if she’s a big surprise for both sides as she will be the first granddaughter on both sides

We can’t say we don’t know because we are both type A and they know we would know and we did with the first two too.

We are worried though by telling our parents she’s a boy, when she isn’t, that they will buy gendered clothing though, or that they will be mad at us for lying for 6 months. Is this going to backfire on us? Would we be the assholes? Any advice would be appreciated.

Before we give you OP's posts, let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Trevena_Ice

INFO: Why not just say 'hey, we are not telling anyone the gender because of the way some people reacted by our second baby. So yeah, you will find out, when the baby is there' and then let everyone else think if this means it is a girl, a boy or twins.

Lying could lead to a bad start for your little girl. As people could be upset and do you really want some family to cut you out, after finding out you lied to them for 8 months? So don't say anything.

OOP They definitely wouldn’t cut us out. It wouldn’t be that extreme at all. But I get what you’re saying. Not telling them just means we have six months of people trying to trip us up.

skellywars

Based on what OP has said though, MIL sounds like the pestering type. As well as the type to assume that it’s a girl because they’re not telling. I agree that they shouldn’t have to lie, but this family dynamic sounds stressful in general with trying to manage entitled personalities

OOP Yep. Exactly. If we don’t say, and they will know we know, because this is our third and we always do all the genetic testing, my mum will CONSTANTLY be guessing and trying to trip us up. And his mum will be like “I hope it’s a girl” the entire time which will piss me off.

Saying she’s a boy means we are left alone for 6 months to have our pregnancy in peace, and then we have very excited parents with a surprise first and only granddaughter.

I’m not worried about my parents being mad at all. They’re not like that. Hubbys mum won’t be mad either. She will be elated. It’s more we worry about them buying gendered gifts and being like what do we do with this now haha

aga98gafr writes:

Unless she gave them absolutely nothing, I think it’s unfair to say you can’t send us anything. Maybe saying she can send one gift for her when she’s born (because a grandma sending an outfit or a blanket for their new grandkid is totally normal) but that’s it, you can’t have gifts being sent constantly just because it’s a Tuesday and she went shopping and saw something your daughter will look cute in.

Also please be careful not to overcorrect the favoritism by insisting everything be completely equal at all times either. We see here a lot where people post about their relationship with their parents and how they could never get a gift without their siblings getting something too, even on their birthday.

Or if they did something special or had a big accomplishment they didn’t get to celebrate that because it would make their sibling feel bad. Each kid should get their own times to be the center of attention and the other kids need to learn that it is ok and normal that sometimes the attention is on someone else for today.

Obviously it shouldn’t be just because she’s a girl she’s getting attention but things like her getting a few presents sent for her just after being born is pretty normal if people sent stuff for your boys too.

I love all my nieces and nephews equally and I make sure they all get one on one days with me in addition to doing things with them all at the same time, because kids deserve and need individualized attention too. Don’t get me wrong, I think your intentions are good, just be careful you don’t take it too far.

kayleighr writes:

YWBTA if you lie to everyone. You would have to not only keep up the lie, but imagine everyone buying you boy stuff, just to find out it's a girl. You could end up accidentally wasting people's money.

Plus, no one likes being lied to. You should be honest, and tell people there will be no gender reveal due to some past issues.

No need to bring up that it's due to MIL unless she became a constant pest about it. Then you'd have to have a real conversation with her explaining that you refuse to tell the gender because of how she acted with the last pregnancy.

Update 1:

UPDATE: ok the internet has spoken and we have agreed hubby is not allowed to “surprise” his mum. We will be saying we don’t know, and addressing any hopes for a girl with a request to stop pressuring us to have a girl and that we better not witness any gender disappointment if it’s a boy, and if it’s a girl, we better not see a different reaction or treatment than to the boys- ever.

This message will be consistently delivered. Everyone worrying about trauma to our boys, we are very good in addressing behaviours and setting boundaries with anyone in contact with our kids, and will set clear expectations and boundaries on the first phone call once she’s born.

These will be strictly enforced. Thanks for your concern and input. I do think maybe I worded this post a bit more seriously than it would have been. The parents would have been like “you sneaky rats” and been happy but I don’t want them to spread the lie wider, so we will just share the unbelievable lie instead and try to throw them off every chance we get.

We were also very shocked at how many people said we were lying about knowing the gender so early. We are very lucky to live in a country with affordable and accessible healthcare and feel so grateful that NIPT is so available to us. Thanks again all, especially those who stayed kind

Readers weighed in on this update:

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DragonCelica

One way or another, you're going to have to deal with your MIL's behavior. Lying now is just putting off the inevitable (I understand why you want to though).

Healthy boundaries need to be discussed. You need to get on the same page with your husband and figure out how you're going to tackle this issue long-term.

Dealing with this right after giving birth sounds like a nightmare.

OOP: Yeh I already said to my husband he needs to address the “gender disappointment” reaction she gives as if she does it in front of me again, I’ll lose it. For us it just feels like we can avoid any drama and have a big happy surprise when she’s here instead of having to beat her down about how she treats the kids differently now.

We will for sure have to address it once girl is here, but it feels like we can avoid it for six months and live in ignorant bliss for a bit longer by “surprising” them as opposed to “lying to” them haha

DragonCelicaI guess my concern is how severely she'll over-compensate due to the surprise. "I'm so glad it's not another boy! What a gift to be blessed with a girl instead!"

I'm sure you're understandably worried your boys willl hear her rhetoric and think she views boys as "less than." I'm hoping they won't catch on, because you're hands are already going to be full with your MIL. I already said to my husband he needs to address the “gender disappointment” reaction. Is he addressing it, or burying his head?

OOP: Yeh, I just figured once she figured it out we could gently remind her that she needs to treat the boys equally and that there’s to be no favouritism. It’s a tough one

Kitchen_Victory_7964

I think YWBTA to your current sons and future daughter, quite frankly. You know you’ll have issues with your MIL. Sort this out now, before your kid is born and before all your kids are forced to observe the wild inequality in treatment. If your husband cannot wrangle his mother into some semblance of agreement, go LC or even NC before you allow her to taint your children’s lives.

OOP: She’s actually a lovely lady. She just really wants a girl. Always wanted a daughter and never got one, so spoils her niece and wants a granddaughter more than anything. We will of course address this upfront once she’s born.

There will be no inequality in my household, and if she sends things without the others, they will be placed in a cupboard until Christmas or a birthday and she will be told not to send anything for that occasion.

We will address it on the first phone call (gently) once she’s born, before the boys are at the hospital like “meet your granddaughter! Now don’t be treating her any differently, and make sure if she gets a gift, the boys do too, or else” type thing.

Update 2:

UPDATE 2: the internet is so weird. People are mad we don’t want gifts coming for only one child. Sending non-occasion gifts for one child and not the others and thinking that’s ok is crazy to us.

Unless it’s a newborn or birthday gift, we won’t be having one child getting random things when the others aren’t. MIL is actually a very kind and generous person, and will respect boundaries we set for our kids, and doesn’t want to make anyone feel bad, she’s just always wanted a girl and that overpowers her reactions sometimes.