Pregnant woman plans to uninvite infertile SIL to baby shower, 'she'll ruin the vibe." AITA?

"AITA if I uninvite my SIL from my baby shower because she’s infertile and is always sad about whenever we talk about babies?"

I (28F) am 29 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins (a boy and a girl). I was lucky enough to get pregnant almost immediately after going off birth control. My SIL (38F), who I’ll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF.

A few days ago, my family all came over to my house to hang out. I told them that I finished decorating my nursery and my mom, sister, and other SIL all wanted to see it so I took them in to see it.

Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she’d rather not see it. She went out to the porch while we went inside. We stayed in the nursery for a while and eventually Jane came in because it was too hot outside.

We were talking about babies (sister and other SIL both have young children) and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation. My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying. After that, Jane started crying and left the room. We all went after her to talk to her and she said she feels awful having to constantly hear about our babies.

She went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she’s the only one of us without a child now. She thinks our mom treats her like she’s less than my sister and other SIL because they have kids and now that I’m pregnant, we don’t talk about anything but kids. She said it’s insensitive when we know that she’s infertile. She was like this for all of my sister and SIL’s pregnancy.

She insists on coming to all the gender reveals and baby showers and birthday parties but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes. I kind of want to uninvite her from my baby shower next week because I’m scared she’ll ruin the vibe. WIBTA if I did that.

I feel bad for her, but she can’t keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations. I told my mom that I want to uninvite her and she said I shouldn’t because she’s family and we need to support her instead of excluding her even more.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

thisplaceispeanuts said:

NTA but why not say to Jane you want to acknowledge how she might be feeling. That you want to invite her but wondered whether she’d prefer some 1 on 1 time before the baby comes.

Perhaps a spa day or the theatre. Something to tell her she’s important to you. When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that - you can let her know you wanted her to know she matters too before things have to change.

Emergency_Radio_338 said:

YTA if you exclude her- she literally said she feels excluded already. And honestly it is insensitive to always talk about babies in front of her- can’t you talk about literally anything else when it’s the three of you?

As for the showers and such- she is torturing herself but I refer back to her saying she is feeling excluded. You sound upset that she exists. Have some family events that don’t involve celebrating a pregnancy.

And honestly: your mom or your brother should gently convince her not to go to the shower- for her own mental health and for your enjoyment.. But good luck with family relations if you uninvite her.

Cosmicsouffle said:

YTA if you just disinvite her without talking to her about it. Having been in her situation and having dealt with years of infertility followed by stillbirth, those types of events are the last place you want to be but the only thing that hurts more than being invited to, or attending them...

...is when people assume you don’t want to be there or decide you shouldn’t be and straight up exclude you. Give her some grace, infertility is an all consuming, horrible, horrible time in one’s life. It does sound like she needs some professional help coping with it though.

PandaCotton said:

NTA. If Jane were a sane person, you'd invite her to your baby shower and it would be her decision to come (and celebrate) or not. But if she's going to come and spoil the mood, don't invite her.

The baby shower is a happy event about you and your baby, not about her infertility. I empathize with Jane and can't imagine how difficult her situation must be, but people shouldn't walk on eggshells and stop sharing their joys or talking about their children because she's around. Her feelings are valids but so are yours and you deserve to have a beautiful baby shower.

ohboithisisawkward said:

YTA. Empathy is a thing some people have, but you seem to lack it. How exactly would she "ruin the vibe"? A few tears should not ruin the day by any means. Side note, you three probably do talk only about babies.

She's wrong to take out her insecurities and frustration on you three, but it kinda sounds like she needs some empathy from understanding family members, not women who are going to be annoyed with her wanting to change the subject or not be sensitive to a very upsetting trauma.

inzillah said:

YTA if you uninvite her for that reason. You would not be TA if you directly talk to her one to one and told her that you don't want to exclude her from things, but you want her to know that if she needs a break from baby stuff, you're absolutely okay with her not coming to the shower. Lead with caring about her, not what disturbance she may make at the event. Good luck!