'AITA for not letting my partner film in the delivery room?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my partner film in the delivery room?"
I (27F) and my partner (31M) are expecting a baby in a couple weeks and he really wants to film the birth process (as soon as I start contractions through after the baby arrives).
Besides the fact that most hospitals don't allow filming (ours allows for doctor's discretion) for good reason (staff privacy, liability), I personally don't want him to, for a few reasons that I can probably articulate well.
1) I'm going to probably be in extreme pain and vulnerable, and don't want to feel more "watched" than I already will during those moments.
2) I want him fully present with me and any decisions we might make and not preoccupied on camera angles.
3) I don't want him distracting or interfering with the birth because others in the room are worried about how their actions will look on camera (me, the staff, etc.).
I feel so strongly about it and have already told him I don't want it. The thing is, filming *really* matters to him, and he got pretty mad at me for not respecting why this is so important to him (family documentation, forming his own memories).
I'm thinking about not allowing him in the delivery room though if he won't accept that he can't film it. AITAH?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
south3y said:
NTA. Filming someone giving birth is a gross violation of privacy. It's fine if you're into it, I guess, but if you're not, it is a massive asshole move to sulk and try to guilt you into changing your mind.
JenniferIs5x5 said:
You’re going to be BIRTHING HIS BABY RIGHT OUT OF YOUR OWN BODY!!!! I wouldn’t give af how he feels about it, YOU’RE the star of this show and doing 99.9% of the work. His ONLY job is to help you do this. Sounds like he’s already failing at it. NTA!!!
Ellen6723 said:
NTA…WTF. First no chance a medical team allows this (meaning Dad filming if Mom says no)…second while they call it the miracle of birth… and it is a beautiful thing… it’s often also carnage. My advice is keep him north of your head. And tell him the next time his body makes and births a human… you can revisit the filming.
manykeets said:
Tell him if he starts filming, you will have him put out. They will put out anyone you don’t want in there, you’re the one who gets to decide. NTA.
Haunting-Aardvark709 said:
NTA your birthing partner should be there to support you, not violate your privacy in your most vulnerable moments. Do you want to rethink who will be in the room with you?
Just because he’s the father of the baby doesn’t give him the right to assist at your medical event. You have 100% control over who is present. Maybe a family member or friend would be a less stress inducing, more supportive person to help you give birth.
UPDATE:
I'll add this and elaborate more in comments too, but after y'all's input here I'm feeling moreso NTA.
That really wasn't that apparent to me before because I've tended to think of this process of becoming parents as just as much his as it is mine through every stage, and I wanted us both to feel good about how we experience the birth-specific part.
But, when it comes down to it, as evidenced in the opinions here, there is enough vulnerability/privacy exposed of *mine* in birth (that he won't be experiencing/risking) that just simply should be weighed differently / more heavily.
I'm not sure how much he's internalized quite the invasion of privacy that filming birth is... as someone stated, a role-reversal approach could really make it clear. Thanks so much for the idea, and the clarity of reason behind it.