Pregnant woman refuses to tell pregnant sister the baby name she chose, 'I'm being petty.' AITA?
"AITA for not letting my sister know the name chosen for my baby?"
I'm (38f) pregnant with my first, and probably only, child. My sister (36f) is also pregnant but this is her third child and this baby comes several years after her last child who is 8 years old. I struggled with fertility problems for many years. I could not get pregnant despite trying from the age of 24. We underwent numerous tests but no clear reason for this was ever found. We tried taking breaks between trying, we tried fertility medications in recent years and finally, last year, we went through IVF which was successful for us.
You might wonder what this has to do with the name of my baby. Well, let me explain. My husband and I had a boy and a girl name chosen from pretty much the time we started trying for a baby. These were names we promised to use whenever we had a baby, and we had planned to have at least 2 children. Those names stayed "the names" throughout everything.
But when my sister was pregnant with her first child, she and her husband struggled to agree on a name. She mentioned mine and my husband's chosen names once during my pregnancy and said how lucky we were to have agreed. Then when her daughter was born she decided to use the girl name my husband and I had chosen. And she confessed that is how the name was decided on.
She said her husband liked our chosen name and she didn't think it was bad so she decided it would be better for them to use it so their baby could have a name. She told me not to look upset (because admittedly I got emotional when she said this) and told me at least the name would be used. Then when her son was born she used the name we had chosen for the same reason; they couldn't agree on another name.
This did strain our relationship and I was and still am hurt that she was so dismissive of my feelings and so blunt about what they did. She implied pretty strongly that she expected I would never have children to use the name for. Then a couple of years after her son was born she made the comment that we agreed so easily we could find another name if it worked, implying that we could not/should not use the names anymore.
We ended up mixing our boy choice and our girl choice for this baby. Both had a unisex name in them and we decided, since we loved all four names mixing them wasn't a huge change. My sister won't like this. But honestly, we don't see each other much anymore.
She only reached out more now because we're both pregnant at the same time and she has asked repeatedly about the name we have chosen. I have refused to tell her. But my two brothers know. They thought I should have used the original name as intended and give our sister the middle finger. But they also understand why we chose to mix them.
She sent me a very pissy text a few nights ago saying I'm being so petty and these babies should grow up close together and we should be working on our relationship and instead I am excluding her and making a point of saying I don't want her to know anything. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Doktor_Seagull said:
NTA. Your sister needs to check her entitlement...She could not come up with meaningful names for her own children? She used the names you had your heart set on using, and justified it by saying "well it's not like you can use them". Does she have a history of being insensitive and tactless? I mean sure no one has entitlement to a name for their child, but you and your partner decided on those names and were going through hell trying to have a child together.
She just swoops in and acts like she did you both a favor in using those names so they don't go to waste? She can't see how horrible and insensitive she has been? I'm with your brothers on this, but I am glad you and your partner are happy with your new choices. It's probably for the best they spend minimal time around their aunt and cousins. All the best with your new baby. Congratulations.
Astroblemes said:
NTA - not her business and I wouldn’t be surprised if she wants to use the name for her kid (or something similar).
Sweet-Interview5620 said:
NTA the minute she knows the name she will use it for her latest baby. You don’t owe her anything and if she wants your kids to be close then surely she’s is the one who shouldn’t be treating you like rubbish and constantly disrespecting you. I get the feeling any time you are around her with your child she will use it to disrespect you and act superior.
I would reply “I used to dream about my kids being close to yours and then realised that meant exposing them and ourselves to toxic you. Thanks but I’d rather protect myself and my kids than be constantly disrespected and used. Oh and stop asking I am not going to name your latest baby for you.
Wumpa_Fruit_Enjoyer said:
NTA. She stole your baby names before and will do it again. Also her comments about you being childless are straight disgusting. I wouldn’t even talk to her anymore. Baby names are so personal and private. My siblings never shared their baby names ever and nobody was ever pissed. It’s respecting privacy. Only my brother shared it once - with instant regret - because of stupid comments from his MIL.
Dittoheadforever said:
You're NTA and you're a lot less petty than I am. I would just make up some unique names and tell them to her. I can't give examples, because if I did someone would respond, hey, my name is Penelope Pepsico or what's wrong with Balthazar Barracuda? That's my kid's name!
Alafair85 said:
NTA. But please be petty and pick out something ridiculous & tell her that's the new name your husband & you agreed on after the other became unavailable.
wickeddradon said:
NTA. You could tell your sister a name, any name, just not the name you have already chosen. Don't make it a horrible name. Make it one you would like your niece or nephew to have. If she steals it, we'll that's hilarious, isn't it. Not only have you saved your own baby name but you also got to name your sister's baby...and she will have no idea, lol.
Emergency_Piccolo939 said:
NTA. Regardless of the situation, you aren’t obligated to tell anyone the name for any reason. But given the prior situation, your decision is perfectly understandable. She’s right, the babies should grow up close together, and it’s equally on her to ensure that happens.