'AITA for refusing the birthday gift my mother-in-law gave my husband?'
"AITA for refusing the birthday gift my mother-in-law gave my husband?"
My husband (32m) and I (30f) are expecting our first child this June. Both our families have been supportive and understandably excited. We recently vacated a room that will soon become the nursery. My husband mentioned to my MIL that he was thinking of giving the room a fresh coat of paint while I was away during a specific week in February.
The following week, she said she was going to take the time off work and make the drive (4 hours) to come stay at our house and help him paint. He told her it wasn't a good time for him with work, and that he wasn't even sure he'd end up painting then - it was just a casual idea.
Since then she brought it up at least 5 times to us both, asking us to let her know when we'll be painting so that she can come and help. We've been non-committal because the paint job will really be just a few hours work and we weren't looking for help.
We're already visiting in her city twice in April, and then she'll be coming to visit us again in May, so it's also not necessary for her to plan an extra trip. She's asked what else we've done to set up the nursery and I told her I wanted to wait until after my shower in April to begin purchasing what wasn't gifted from my registry.
She knows we've intentionally bought nothing for it ourselves and have no plans to touch it until then. Last week my husband was passing through her city and she gave him a belated bday gift. It's a piece of wall art for the nursery that's related to the theme we told her we'd be using, but it doesn't match the items I'd already picked (which she could see on the registry) and it's also just not really my taste.
She told him that if he doesn't like it in OUR nursery, she'll put it up in the nursery she has in her house for the grandkids (our child will be her second). When my husband came home, I told him I didn't want to put it in our nursery because it feels like she's being pushy (with this and the painting) and trying to nest for our baby preemptively on my behalf, after I've made it clear...
I have something specific in mind and won't be actioning it for a couple months. Offering to put it in her house instead feels like a tactic to force us to tell her pointblank that we don't want to use it, and my husband has an extremely hard time with those kinds of conversations. It feels manipulative, especially as a bday gift instead of as a baby gift at the shower she's coming to this April.
I'm not going to use the art, and I don't feel bad about it. But my husband thinks we should use it anyway bc it'll be awkward if we don't, and it isn't a big deal. I told her if he feels awkward, I'm happy to have a conversation with his mom to explain that I wanted to pick things out for the nursery myself, and what she gave us doesn't fit with what I had in mind. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Travelgrrl said:
I would just tell her that you love it but it's not what you are envisioning for your nursery and you look forward to seeing it in HER nursery. She might have been trying to be kind to offer that "out," rather than the negative qualities you have ascribed to it. Nobody is bad here; just try to treat MIL with a little grace and thank your stars this isn't her first grandchild!
SummitJunkie7 said:
"We've been non-committal because..." Have you tried being direct, instead? If someone is non-committal it makes sense that the conversation would continue, as it hasn't been settled yet.
NoFlight5759 said:
YTA. You’ve told her you want to paint the nursery and that both of your schedules weren’t making this happen. If I was MIL I’d think offering to help is being nice. But, neither of you directly told her you don’t want her help but it seems you speak about it enough.
You told her the theme and she bought a gift on theme but not in the color scheme. But, she wouldn’t know what the color scheme even is cause you seem to share certain things but not the whole picture.
My ex MIL for my college graduation when I had dated her son for 9 months gave me a bible, Bible covers, Bible tabs, and verses I should read. I am a different version of Christian that she is and I’ve also had a Bible since age 7. In the grand scheme of bad MIL’s she sounds well meaning and nice.
You guys are either direct and say we want you to purchase zero for the baby or let her in on what your actual plans are. She isn’t a mind reader and you are making me defend MIL’s something I don’t do too much of. You and your husband need to be honest and direct. You being passive aggressive not her.
Doblofino said:
YTA Just put that damned thing in the room. Pretty soon, you are not going to get any sleep, you'll be covered head to toe in spit, poo and vomit, and you are going to look like you've went a few rounds with Mike Tyson.
You don't need to make this woman your enemy, you don't WANT to make this woman your enemy and pretty soon, you won't care what the nursery looks like at all. Not because you don't care, but because you're going to be too tired and busy to notice. Just put it up.
Toniadion1974 said:
YTA all she did was offer to help paint and buy a picture for the nursery. How has this been pushy. You sound exhausting and spoiled.
Forsoothia said:
YTA. Maybe you have a more difficult history with your MIL but it seems like this conflict might be more in your head than reality. She’s being too enthusiastic about coming to help paint. And she bought a piece of art you don’t like.
She offered to keep the art if you don’t want it. You’re the one who has decided this is manipulative. Does she have a history of being passive aggressive and manipulative? Because if not I think you are reading into this too much.
Also, this is your husband’s house and baby too, if he wants to keep the art then he should have a say even if it doesn’t match the “vision” you have for the room.