My husband (38M) and I (36F) are finally expecting a child together after years of trying, and we're both super excited. Due to how long it's taken to get pregnant, I'm being careful over who I'm telling and how I'm celebrating, especially given the risk of miscarriage. I'm seven months along.
My husband is close to his two female first cousins N (40F) and A (45F), both of whom have kids. My husband and I both immigrated to our current country from different countries and met here as adults.
In my culture, we don't have baby showers prior to birth due to caution about not celebrating too much before giving birth to a live baby, while in my husband's culture, baby showers are common. Both N and A had baby showers, which is fine (I attended and gave them gifts), but now that I'm pregnant, they're asking me when my baby shower is going to be.
I've told them repeatedly that I'm not going to have one. They're refused to acknowledge this and have continued to ask. My MIL and my husband's aunt are also asking but have been more polite when I've explained why I don't want one. The cousins are disappointed that we're not having a baby shower, since they're close to my husband.
This weekend, N invited me for a family dinner at her house, and it turned out to be a surprise baby shower for us: decorations, games, gifts, the whole shebang. My family live a few states away, so it was just my husband's family and friends in attendance. I flipped out.
I had told them repeatedly that I don't want a baby shower because I'm being superstitious about finally having a healthy baby; I burst into tears and told them that if they weren't going to listen to me, then they weren't going to meet my baby after the birth. My MIL had driven me there, so I ordered an über and went home without telling them.
Apparently they called my husband in a panic because I had just left, and my husband got upset at me for leaving when his family was just trying to do a nice thing for me. I said that doing a nice thing would've been to respect my wishes. When I complained to my mother, she was surprised and said that she hadn't heard anything about this until now, so apparently nobody on my side was even consulted.
My husband and his family are upset at me for not being grateful about the baby shower, and my husband said that I should've just sat through it. I say that I shouldn't have to tolerate something that goes against my cultural practices when it doesn't hurt anyone.
My husband and I can afford to buy stuff for our baby, so it's not about the gifts. (And yes, I know how expensive things can get for babies; it's more that I don't want unnecessary/unwanted stuff cluttering our home.).
My husband wants to keep the gifts because his family went to the trouble of buying them, whereas I want to donate them. AITA for just leaving my "baby shower" when I didn't want one and not being more grateful?
NTA. You set a boundary. You made it clear you did not want one and you explained yourself, which you didn't have to do. Just because they are excited and wanted to celebrate doesn't mean that they had to do this. They could have easily waited until your baby was born to celebrate (that is if you wanted to. having a newborn around people is a lot on so many levels).
Honestly, your husband needs to understand that you and your baby are now his immediate family and his immediate priority. If he cannot accept that and support you now, I'm sorry, but that means this is only going to get worse. If your husband cannot support you, then you need to do what is best for you and your baby.
NTA. The fact that they went ahead and had the shower despite you saying “no”means that it wasn’t about you at all - it means that having the shower was for them and them alone.
And they are angry because you didn’t give them the effusive praise that they felt they deserved for giving you something you never wanted in the first place. Keep this in mind: your in laws will not respect you or any boundaries you set if it is the way of something they want.
NTA. You repeatedly told them you didn't want a baby shower and why, and then they tricked you into attending one. To me, this isn't an honest mistake but a bunch of choices these people made to ignore your wishes and now they're pretending to be victims when they should've just listened to you.
It wasn't a nice thing for you- it was a baby shower for themselves. They didn't even include your family and friends. You have a husband problem, for not having your back. I dunno if there are going to be other cultural differences in the future, but you should figure those out with him.
NTA. If someone repeatedly says no to something, others should respect that and honor their wishes. It's your baby (congrats) and yet they made it about them. I would've left too.
"We're upset that you aren't grateful that we did the thing for you that you told us you didn't want us to do." NTA.
NTA. If the subject of the party doesn't want the party, THE PARTY DOESN'T HAPPEN. This should not be difficult to understand. I'm sorry that his family is a pack of boundary-stomping AHs and yeah, they need to be in a time out for a while.
Nta husband most likely was in on the shower. Respect of cultural differences and boundaries with your husband and his family are the real issue. It's telling they did not include your family & stomped all over your beliefs and boundaries. Stand your ground.