'AITA for prioritizing my children's relationship over my wife's preference?'
"AITA for prioritizing my children's relationship over my wife's preference?"
I have one son with my ex-wife and three kids with my current wife. My oldest is nineteen. The other kids are 13, 12 and 6. All boys except for the 12 year old. My oldest traveled overseas during summer break, but there was a two week period where he was at school but had no class and no commitments, and he wanted us to come visit him.
I said that we would go, and when I told my wife she was annoyed I committed without asking her. I said we didn't have plans. She said I couldn't know that for sure without asking her. I said if there are plans I don't know about surely that means she made a commitment without asking me.
That argument fizzled out. However she later informed me were invited to go on a trip with some friends that would overlap and she wanted to go on the trip. I said we already had plans, she said she never agreed to the plans, and the argument resumed.
Eventually I said she could do whatever she wanted, but the kids and I were going to fly out to visit my son. I said it's important for them to spend time together, so they continue to have a good relationship now that he's an adult and we probably won't see him as much.
She said I know she hates California (where his school is) and it's insensitive for me to just assume she's okay with going. I told her if she doesn't want to go, don't go. I'll go alone with the kids.
She didn't want that, and the fight got intense, so I said we should ask the kids what they want to do. When we asked the kids she really talked up her vacation plan and poo-pooed going to California, but the kids wanted to see their brother. She still didn't want me to take them after that, and we continued to argue about it right up until the kids and I left. We had a great trip.
Ever since we returned from the trip she has been frosty towards me. Last week she dropped the bombshell of wanting to do couple's counseling. I agreed, and we just found someone and made an appointment for September.
All my friends say the counseling is a bad sign, the divorced and married alike. I guess I just want to know what I'm in for. Am I going to go in and immediately get roasted for my actions? Ultimately I love my wife and I love my kids, and I want my kids to have a good relationship with each other. Is that so bad?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So she tried to sway the kids and they still wanted to see their brother. Your wife is the AH.
I don’t think the wife likes the 19 yo. She didn’t just want to go on this other vaca, she didn’t want the kids to WANT to see their brother. The marriage counseling is a good idea because she’s manipulative & most likely has told a whole different story to others.
The only thing that matters in this whole situation is that the younger siblings WANTED to go on this trip to visit their brother. Had they not, would you have gone alone to see your son and allowed them to go on the trip their mother wanted? I have a feeling you would have.
Your wife sounds very emotionally immature to be honest. "I hate California, I couldn't possibly spend even a moment there to spend time with my step son".... 5 years later, the 12 year old gets accepted to a Cali school, guess who's Mommy is going to go with their child when they go away to school in California to move them into their dorm, visit during parent weekend, etc? Yep. Your wife. Guaranteed. She's TA here.
I think you made the right decision. Your children come first, always. Your wife has to learn she can’t throw a hissy fit and get her own way all the time. Counselling is a good idea, if you get a good counsellor, they will explain this to her. If you’re not getting with the counsellor, try a different one. You BOTH have to feel comfortable and heard by this person. Best of luck.
BuyOk5570 (OP)
This person is supposed to be really good. They have a lot of great reviews. Not all the reviews were actually encouraging, but they were all positive. As many people wrote "Dr. X helped me and my spouse realize we weren't compatible anymore" as wrote "Dr. X helped us get our relationship back on track." Obviously that freaked me out a bit.
Your wife was hoping his being an adult would erase your oldest from the family dynamic. She’s mad you still want to be an involved parent to him. NTA. I see what others are saying about committing without discussing but this is your kid and that feels like an excuse to me esp with her follow- up behavior.
Your friends are wrong in your case. Yes, couples who need counseling are more likely to be on their way out. BUT, in your case, it seems like you two are pretty bad at communicating with one another. Marriage counseling could actually benefit the two of you and give you both the communication tools and aptitude that you both lack.
You have your priorities straight. If you have a good therapist, they might uncover why your wife was fighting you every step of the way until you left on your trip. You might not like what’s at the root of it.
Your wife seems to think she gets to make ultimatums, and everyone in the family is supposed to dance. She made plans, she didn't want to go, and she didn't go—her problem is that the rest of you didn't listen to her demands and enjoyed yourselves without her, and that she demanded you make a choice and you did.
You choose correctly. Ask her in counseling why it's not ok for you to make a decision for the family when SHE doesn't want it, but it's perfectly ok in her eyes for her to make a decision for the family when YOU don't want it?