'AITA for prioritizing my nanny over my brother and his family?'
"AITA for prioritizing my nanny over my brother and his family?"
I’m a single mom to 3 kids (8m, 5f, 4f). I have a nanny, Emilia (20f), that picks the kids up from school, takes them to their extracurriculars, manages homework, and sets up play dates for the kids.
Emilia’s family is complicated. She moved in with her grandmother at 15 and no longer speaks to her parents. Emilia’s grandmother was her best friend. She also became an adoptive grandparent to my kids. She knew their birthdays, sent cookies, and had all of us over for dinner every couple weeks.
Her grandmother passed over the summer. Emilia told me that she was planning to move out of her grandmother’s house because she couldn’t stay there without her. She asked me to help her look at apartments.
My house has a finished basement with a bedroom, bathroom, kitchenette, and living room. I offered for Emilia to move into the basement and have her pay $300/mo including utilities. She’s been here for 5 months and it’s been great. It’s almost like taking in a 4th child but one that cooks and does the girls hair in the mornings.
My brother called a few weeks ago saying that he and his wife were losing their apartment. He asked if he, his wife, and their kids (3f, 1m) could move into the basement apartment. I told him Emilia was living in the apartment and I couldn’t just kick her out.
He suggested moving her into the guest room/the kids playroom so they could stay in the apartment but I told him I won’t be displacing Emilia. He and the rest of my family are upset that I’m prioritizing my nanny over my brother and his family when I could easily move her into the playroom and make things work for everyone.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You don’t have a basement apartment available, you have a tenant. Emilia pays rent, and is entitled to the same protections as any other tenant. The family complaining at you can step up for your brother and provide him with housing.
Exactly Emilia is her tenant and part of her household. She can't just displace her because her brother had poor planning. That would be unfair . NTA.
NTA. Also I bet your brother woild expect her to watch his kids without any additional payment to her. "She's already watching your kids, why cant she just watch ours too?"
NTA you have a tenant and employee living in the space. Plus adding 4 other people to the house using the washing machine, kitchen etc will undoubtedly add to your stress levels. The family giving you a hard time should offer up their space. Also how much rent have they offered you?
Info: Why can't the rest of the family take them in?
Historical_Dot2112 (OP)
My parents are in a 55+ community and my other siblings are out of state.
I think NTA either way. Tell brother and family you have a contract with nanny, and can't break it. Presumably this is true anyway. It sounds like you don't want to do it, and you're entitled to that. If you did want to though, I'm sure brother would appreciate it. The danger is timelines. They lost their place to live - how long are they expecting to stay anyway?
Ask the rest of the family why you must be the only one to sort your brother's mess? Seriously none of them have a spare room to house your brother? To demand you chuck your nanny out of her home? He's nasty. And if he had moved into that basement he would take full advantage of a live in nanny without contributing anything. NTA.
This is what I was thinking. He’d probably be barely in the door before “She’s already looking after your kids, 2 more is no big deal…” arguments would begin. And she’s not just the nanny, she’s a paying tenant.
Kicking her out with little to no warning, surely, could be illegal. And it sounds like the relationship with the nanny is the one you’d want to preserve here - she sounds like a close friend or even extended family at this point.
NTA having Emilia living in your home is completely different than having your brother and family stay. I would be very worried that your brother and his family would move in and would not leave. I think it’s too open ended.
It would be different if he had closed on a house and there was a gap before he could move in or something but this feels too open ended. For any family moaning just suggest they let them move in with them!
This is a good point. A 20 year old nanny is not going to want to live there forever, eventually she is going to want her own home, family, or whatever. There's no telling when brother and his family would want to move out...
NTA. She is technically a paying tenant. You would have to go through the whole eviction process. Though I find it weird you are both paying her as a nanny then taking the money back in rent.
You are NTA, she pays rent for that basement and by default should have tenet rights. It sucks for your brother, but it was your nanny's apartment first.
NTA. You have a tenant. I doubt the space is large enough for your brother’s entire family, anyway. Also, having a live-in nanny is a much different dynamic when there are more children in the home, but their parent pays nothing. I bet brother would complain that she “treats his kids different.”
Emilia is a tenant and as such has rights that are not affected by your relationship or her employment status with you. Many jurisdictions allow for evictions for family to move into a unit. I don’t know your local laws but there’s a good chance you could force her out to make room for your brother.
That would be a bomb in your personal and professional relationship with Emilia. It’s likely she would move on shortly thereafter. Tell your brother the unit is contractually leased to her for a year. He’s welcome to your spare bedroom and your relatives can put up or shut up and offer space also.
Regardless of who is living there the space is occupied. Someone's else's entitlement doesn't nullify that fact. NTA. First come first served as they say. We didn't even need the backstory rly. "I have a basement space someone is living in and someone else wants to stay there. I told them no and am receiving backlash."
I would just advise caution of the situation moving forward. Since she's living there and paying some rent the roles could get muddled. There was a story not to long ago about a woman who started to feel like a live in servant vs the house maid and they needed to clear up boundaries. You did a nice thing for the nanny.