'AITA for wanting to accept a promotion even though my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants?'
"AITA for wanting to accept a promotion even tho my boyfriend says its not the kind of life he wants?"
I (25F) just got offered a pretty huge promotion at work, from being a coordinator for one business unit to becoming a global coordinator. It’s a big jump, both in responsibilities and salary. I’ve been promoted every year since I started here (it’s been 3 years), and this role is honestly something I never thought I’d reach this soon. It would be a big deal financially and career wise.
The only catch is that it involves some travel.. The company is actually trying to reduce travel costs, so it wouldn’t be constant. We have four business units in different parts of the world (Europe, Asia, South America), and I’d probably go to each once a year, for about a week each. So in total, like four weeks a year.
My boyfriend (32M) is not really okay with that. He didn’t give me a direct ultimatum, but when I brought it up again after he already told me how he feels, he basically said that if I keep pushing for something he’s clearly not comfortable with, then I must know what I truly want and that I should just pack my bags and leave.
It really hurt to hear that. I get where he’s coming from though, he wants a stable life, someone more family focused, and he’s been upfront about that since the beginning.. but so have I about not wanting kids until 30.
Thing is… I’ve started to care more about those values too since being with him. But at the same time, I’ve always dreamed of having a successful career. I’ve worked my REAR off for this. And honestly, if teenage me could see where I could head towards now, doing work I love, getting recognition, making good money, and even getting to travel - she’d be amazed by the opportunity.
I don’t want to choose between love and ambition. I really care about him and I don’t want to lose what we have. But I also don’t want to say no to something I’ve wanted for so long and then spend years wondering “what if.” AITA for wanting both?
LATER EDIT First of all, thank you so much to everyone who took a few minutes of their lives to share their thoughts with me. I know I asked strangers on the internet for advice, but I often feel overwhelmed and stuck in my own head, and your objective perspectives really help bring some clarity… I am sorry I couldn't reply and keep up with all the messages... I honestly did not expect so many responses omg :o
I tried to talk to him and find some kind of middle ground..I explained that it is only four weeks per year abroad, and that I already spoke to my manager to make sure the traveling will not exceed 10 percent of my working time. But now it seems like that is not enough either…
He is starting to bring up other issues, not just the traveling. He does not like that I might need to adjust my working hours to match other time zones. While that is partly true, I would still only work 8 hours a day, just maybe on a different schedule once a week.
He is also worried about the people I might meet, especially the men. He does not like the idea of me going to dinners with clients. Or sleeping in hotel rooms alone, because he might not be able to join me on each work trip (also he told me he wont accept me going on dinners while he waits for me in the hotel room).
He does not like me talking to coworkers during breaks, which is why he insists I call him on every break I get. He gets annoyed if I do not reply to his texts right away or if it takes me 30 minutes to answer.
He wants me to send him my calendar daily so he knows exactly when I have meetings. And if I do not let him know about every single work related conversation with men, whether it is with coworkers, suppliers, or trainers, he gets upset and says I am hiding things.
He has very strong boundaries when it comes to my work. No becoming friends with male coworkers, which I accepted without issues- cuz anyways I don't socialize at work at all, no casual/funny tone in messages or emails, no emojis, no hanging out after work, no sharing personal numbers with male colleagues unless he agrees with it.
Two weeks ago I went to a three day training in another city. I had to commute four hours every day because he did not want me to sleep at a hotel. On the last day, one of the participants suggested making a group chat so we could keep in touch professionally. I forgot to mention it right away, and when I told him the next day, he got mad and made me get up at 1 a m to show him the chat.
He is just very jealous when it comes to my professional life. All this because before I met him, one of my coworkers, a man, became a good friend. I had to cut contact and block that person once we got together. And I have never given him any reason to doubt me.
Sometimes I feel like giving up everything and just getting a basic job, like working in a supermarket. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I mean quitting the career I love, just so he will finally stop trying to control me. But then I remember how much I love what I do and how lucky I am to have found something I am passionate about.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Take the promotion. Your boyfriend can decide if he wants to stay with you, but you should not lower your ambitions to keep him. You’re very young, and should embrace this opportunity! It will impact your entire career, and set you up for a better life if you do decide to have a family when you’re ready. With the right partner, you can value both love and professional success. Congratulations!
NTA. You are 25, he's 32. You are in different places in life: he's at a stage where he wants to settle down and enjoy the life he's built, you still have to build yours. I suspect that if you give up your career for domesticity at the stage of life you are at, you'll regret it and resent him.
So take the job. And the next, and keep doing so until you are in a place where you feel ready to stop. And if he's still around then, great. If he isn't, then someone better will be.
This is the time to build your career before you have kids. You will regret it and probably resent him if you don’t take this opportunity. 4 weeks isn’t huge if there aren’t kids involved.
Will you make more $$ than him? He should be proud and supportive of your advancement. Explain to him that you want to take this opportunity and let him decide if he wants to stay with you. If he does not you are better off.
If you turn this opportunity down, you likely won’t be offered it again. If you dont want kids for 5 more years, you have to take it. Can you imagine losing this opportunity and then breaking up anyway for done other reason in the future? You want it, so yourself right and do not put his wants before your own.
Also, four weeks' travel per year is NOTHING. If your bf is honestly freaking out about the travel, it's a red flag for someone who can't/won't be left at home alone with HIS children for a week, four times per year. If he's not being honest about what he's freaking out about, that's an even bigger red flag.
In fact, the latter flag is the one I started seeing while reading your post. The age difference isn't huge, and a 29 y/o dating a 22 y/o isn't SUCH a jump that it HAS to be a red flag. But it is a big enough age difference that it could be evidence of someone looking for a younger partner who is easier to control.
So take the job and keep an eye out for further red flags (controlling behavior, jealousy, silent treatment, refusal to discuss conflicts, blaming, unreasonableness, etc.) This promotion doesn't really sound like a reasonable dealbreaker, so unless you're leaving something big out, him objecting to it is a warning that you need to watch him like a HAWK from now on.