For 5 years now I (M26) am with the love of my life (F25). I cannot express how much I love her and how important she is to me, I knew I wanted to marry her shortly after getting together. We're finally financially stable enough, so I decided now is the time.
Last year my gf lost her grandmother. They were super close and it hit my gf hard, especially because she couldn't have a last goodbye in the hospital (covid restrictions didnt allow visitors). When my gf was helping her sister move houses, she was wearing a ring her grandmother gave her before she passed, and lost it while carrying boxes.
This had hit her even more, and even now she will still sometimes cry about this because she feels like she lost the last memory of her grandmother. We had looked for the ring, but hadn't found it. On Christmas my gf had cried again because she missed her grandmother and lamented the loss of the ring. This gave me an idea.
She spent New Years eve with a friend, so I contacted her sister and asked if I could search her house once again for the ring. When I mentioned that I want to use the ring to propose, she was super excited. She, her husband and my gfs mother (who loved the idea as well) helped me and eventually we found the ring between some boxes in her garage (even with 4 people looking it took us hours).
I'm planning on proposing on the 14th, which is the anniversary of our first date and we always go out to do something nice then. I had mentioned it to my friends who were excited for me, but when they asked about what ring I got and I told them the story, they called me a cheapskate for not buying my gf a new ring.
They also said that it's not an engagement ring. I mean, it really doesn't look like an engagement ring, because it isn't. It's a normal silver ring with an amethyst stone (my gf struggled with anxiety and her grandmother got her one because apparently those stones help against anxiety, and yes my gf believes in healing powers of stones and often wears jewelry made out of them).
They also said its an @$$hole move to use the ring someone else paid for as an engagement ring. One friend also brought up that by connecting the ring to our engagement, I might taint its original meaning.
Now I don't feel so confident about this anymore. I thought that since the ring has a lot of meaning to her, it might be a good engagement ring (my gf isn't big about clunky and expensive jewelry and even (jokingly) said she would even be okay with a candy ring because its the symbolism that counts and not the ring itself).
But now I'm scared I really might come off as a cheapskate and she might not want this ring as an engagement ring, but just normal jewelry... WIBTA?
sickofdriving007 said:
Propose with the ring as planned and then after she accepts tell her that the two of you can pick out an engagement ring together. That way she gets to decide.
ATadQuirky said:
What is really important is what your girlfriend would like. Finding the ring was such a wonderful thoughtful thing to do. I shows that you really do care about her feelings. My best suggestion is to propose - then ask her if she wants to use her heirloom ring as an engagement ring, or would she prefer to pick one out together.
bubblesarah said:
Tell her you found the ring. Propose and, that you want to choose one with her.
domatesx said:
I know you think the sentiment is nice… But idk that ring already had a lot of memories attached to it. I don’t agree with your friends it’s nothing to do with it being cheap but like if she hadn’t lost it you would have had to get her a new engagement ring anyway? You don’t get to regift someone else gift? I think NAH, I’d love to hear how other people weigh in on this..
And phiwong said:
NTA. But this is a bit dangerous. It might come off as a sweet move or it might backfire. Be prepared to answer questions like "when did you find it?", "why didn't you tell me?". Worse case it comes down to her feeling that the ring symbolizes her memory of her grandmother and she might not appreciate you appropriating it to symbolize your proposal. So you're right not to feel confident.
The safe bet is that you return the ring to her ASAP and get "full credit". You've already got a sure thing finding a precious item she thought she had lost, why mess it up?
EDIT from OP:
This got a bigger reaction than I thought. Thanks for every comment, most of them were nice! Also most people agreed that I should offer to go ring shopping afterwards, so she can have another ring if she wants to. I think this is the course I will take.
Thanks for the advice. A lot of people also pointed out that she might be upset that I kept the ring from her (at the point of engagement for 2 weeks). Tbh, my gf is a huge fan of surprises, so I must admit I hadn't thought about it that way and I see my fault there. Also some have asked to update this. I will try to post an update after the 14th.
Lots of people asked for an update so here it goes: Even tho the verdict was NAH, lots of people decided to slide into my DMs and tell me how horrible I am, how stupid my gf was etc. It really wore down on my mental health all weekend, so on Sunday I couldn't take it anymore and decided to tell her right then and use our anniversary for ring-shopping.
We got food from her fav restaurant and then went on a walk. That's when I pulled the ring out. As many of you expected, she cried. Happy tears. I explained how her family and I looked for it, and how I wanna make it my duty to forever make her happy. Asked her the big question. More happy tears. She said yes.
Surprisingly enough, she wasn't mad that I kept the ring for 2 weeks. She just laughed and said she couldn't believe her sister could keep it a secret (because her sister is known to often accidentally spoil surprises).
I told her that the ring is just a symbol of how I will always try to make her happy and that we can go "real engagement ring shopping" together, which was the general advice given to me in my original post. But she said she likes this ring as an engagement ring and would be happy to make it an heirloom from now on (many said in the original post that it was an heirloom, but that's not true.
She got the ring from her grandma as a normal present, sorry if I made it sound like that), so the memory of her grandma can live through the next generations. She also joked about how we now have to get rose quarz wedding rings, because apparently they go well with amethysts.
Tbh I dont understand much about the whole crystalstone thing, but I'm just happy that she is happy. The last few days she wore the ring with full pride, I think she didnt even take it off for sleeping. Though she takes the "I will always try to make you happy"-thing a bit too literal and every time she asks for something she holds the ring in my face and (jokingly) says I now have to do whatever she says.
TLDR: We're engaged, she wasn't mad. Everything went well and I just overthought everything