'AITA for protecting my best friend's niece who recently lost a baby?' 'She is very fragile right now.'
"AITA for protecting my best friend's niece who recently lost a baby?"
I (43f) have had the same best friend (43f) since we were in kindergarten. We'll call her Rose. Needless to say, over the years her and her family have become my family. A few weeks ago, her niece, we will call her Megan, (24 f) unexpectedly and very suddenly experienced the passing of her baby that was only a month old.
My birthday is coming up soon, so I extended the invitation to Megan. I was hoping that having a night out with friends would give her an opportunity to have a distraction. I told her that it was completely up to her of course, but she was more than welcome to join us.
Given that many people in our friend group have had questions and curiosity surrounding the passing, I included a warning to the guests that discussion about the baby, and of course his passing was off limits. I approved the message with Rose before posting it.
It reads: "Hey ladies... for my birthday on the 25th, we're having dinner at (local restauran), probably around 5 pm, then to (local bar) for a bit afterwards...Just so you know, Megan will be there and I'd appreciate everyone respecting her privacy. Discussion about (the baby) is off limits.
We're there to have fun & I truly want her to be able to do that by any means necessary, as much as it is possible. Let me know in the next week or so if you'll be able to make it so I can give a head count for a reservation."
This message caused one friend to call me crying because she thought it was directed at her and she was offended that I would think she'd do such a thing, necessitating a warning post. I explained that Megan is understandably very fragile right now and I was just trying to assure that no one said anything to upset her. This friend understood after our chat and everything was fine.
About 24 hours later another friend, (who was honestly more the target of my post due to the fact that she was asking me questions at an event we had recently attended together, while Rose & Megan were not present), left the group chat and deleted me from social media. So, am I the a-hole for feeling the need to post a warning to protect Megan?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
extinct_diplodocus said:
NTA, but you seem to have a number of friends who feel that the shoe fits. When you issue a general warning and they take as directed particularly to them, it's clearly guilty memory. What you sent was a reminder, not an accusation.
formyrakion said:
NTA at all! You're just being a solid friend and creating a safe space for Megan. It's like setting up a no-spoiler zone for a TV show, but way more important. Some might get salty over it, but really, they should just chill and respect the vibe check. Good on you for looking out!
Okie_dokie_36 said:
NTA. I’d actually appreciate getting this heads-up. I of course wouldn’t be asking her questions or anything, but I would have wondered if I should let her know that I’m so sorry for her loss.
If she wanted support and acknowledgment that she’s going through a hard time, I wouldn’t want her to walk away thinking no one cared. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to upset her. So knowing that she’d rather no one says anything so she can just try to have a good time would be really helpful.
CryptographerAny2685 said:
NTA. As someone who has lost a baby (still born) I wish someone had done this for me. The constant questions eventually wear you down and you end up feeling very isolated. You keep advocating for your friend. You seem like a good friend to have, and Megan needs more people like you around.
ParsimoniousSalad said:
NTA. Your message was perfectly fine. Those that had issues with it were their issues.
cornel-roomful0e said:
NTA! It’s sad you even had to send this message.
imamage_fightme said:
NTA. You were warning everyone, not calling anyone out. If anyone feels like it was pointed at them, it says more about them than you tbh. Frankly no one should need that reminder, it feels like a pretty major faux pas to be asking a woman about the death of her basically newborn child, JFC.