'AITA for putting my ex on speakerphone in front of my new wife?'
"AITA for putting my ex on speakerphone in front of my new wife?"
Hi everyone — My ex and I separated 3 years ago and I’ve just recently gotten married to my new wife. My ex and I have 2 kids together. We have almost 50/50 with me having Wednesday, Thursday, and every other Friday and Saturday night.
We went through a tough custody battle in which she agreed to not file child support in exchange for me giving her overnights on my Sundays.
Because I wanted to settle things without going to a conference I agreed. She immediately filed for support and because she has 2 days more than me per month I have to pay her child support of roughly $1100 per month. I make $60k and she makes roughly $120k.
The problem here is that my ex is a habitual manipulator. She speaks to me nasty, she twists situations, she does things but pretends my kids insist on it.
For example, I think it’s important that my older son do homework with me every other week. This is the way it’s always been. I want to make sure I’m involved in his school work and I want him to know my house isn’t just the “fun” house but he needs to have responsibilities here. I have always been a super involved dad.
This year she changed her tune and has been just doing his homework completely every Monday so I don’t have a chance to help during my days. I’ve had to ask 4 or 5 times now but she just does it anyway. I know this is so she can frame it to the court that I don’t help with homework.
One time I took the kids to the farm and my younger son peed in his underwear a bit (he was 2) and so I took his underwear off and we drove home. My ex was waiting to pick them up and then complained to the court that I was dropping him off “without underwear”.
There’s always 2 sides to the story but frankly I’m tired of sounding like a crazy person when I explain how she talks to me and it’s assumed I have a part in it or that it takes 2 to tango. For a while now when she calls around my wife I just put her on speakerphone so my wife can see the truth.
My ex found out she was on speakerphone and is now going ballistic and saying these things are supposed to be just between her and I. I don’t want to keep secrets from my wife and frankly, it’s just nice to have someone else know the truth.
To be fair here — our coparenting therapist said I should not be doing this but I’m really tired of being berated and then having the situation framed differently. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Get a coparenting app and only communicate through the app. Then all correspondence is saved, which you can use to show everything you are doing.
We do have to use OFW but she straight up lies in the app as well and there’s nothing I can do
That sucks. Just document everything meticulously. Check the laws in your state to see if it is a single party consent state for recording. If it is, record every conversation. Eventually the lies and manipulation will catch up to her.
Documenting everything thoroughly and checking recording laws could make a big difference. Hopefully, having those records will help bring some clarity to the situation
and this is honestly worse because I end up having to defend every little lie she tells and if I don’t she spins it as the truth.
You wife listening in isn’t going to help at all.
Nothing changes the situation and it makes me feel better
So, you are going to make things worse for your kids, against your compare ting counselor’s advice..so you feel better.
How am I making things worse for my kids? I’m not doing this in front of my kids?
You think they don’t see the way you talk to and treat each other?
This is exactly why she goes on speakerphone. Because I do not talk to her with hostility ever. I practice gentle parenting with my kids and I speak to her the same way. With patience. I walk on eggshells with the way I speak to her as to not provoke anything. Everyone assumes it’s a two-way street and it’s not.
Your co-parenting therapist is telling you to stop for a reason. It just plain isn't going to help to involve your wife. All you're doing is putting her in the cross fire
This also doesn't really make much sense. How does a kid get all of their homework assignments at the beginning of the week and complete them all before Wednesday?
He’s in elementary school. They get their homework on Monday and it’s due Friday. It’s usually just a sheet.
Thank you, that makes more sense. I feel like maybe you need to reconsider you expectations a bit here. You can't tell her what to do with the kids on her time, just like she can't tell you what to do when you have them.
Maybe review the worksheet with your kid when you have them. It's not realistic to expect your parental responsibilities to remain the same once you've been divorced. You probably should have gone through court to begin with, I suggest you ask for a GAL for your kids. Their needs should be top priority.
Yeah agreed. We’ve been separated for a few years now and always alternated homework weeks. She’s just changing it now so she can use it against me if I go back for 50/50. It’s rough man.
...how can she use that against you for 50/50 custody? Now you just seem like you're future tripping. The only thing that will hurt you here will be when your co-parenting counselor gets on the stand to say she advised you not to do something and you did it anyway
Because being involved in education is one of the factors that goes into custody evaluation. They weigh each factor and award to it the respective parent. Her being able to say I am not involved in school work the way she is will work against me heavily.
All you would need to disprove that is messages stating you would like do homework with him and her saying no . Instead, you have her on phone and no court worth it's salt will take your wife's word to corroborate yours.
I have it in writing also. She just twists it and says my son “prefers” to do it there when that’s never been the case and my son says he makes her do it there. There’s always an answer unfortunately.
I wonder if you could involve your kids in some academic enrichment program. Even if there's no school assigned homework, you'd still be able to demonstrate active involvement in education.
I myself was involved in a number of creative problem solving extracurriculars in elementary. These groups always needed parents to volunteer to be team managers.
That’s a really good suggestion, thank you.
Whatever court decided that someone making half of what the other person have to pay a single cent of child support is some f^%$#d up bu%$#@it.
She’s “primary” so I have to pay her. She still manages to call me a deadbeat for not being able to afford a place as nice as hers though!