'AITA for publicly calling out a friend who was shaming my plastic surgery?' UPDATED

"AITA For Shaming Someone Over My Plastic Surgery?"

Hello! I figured I'd post here because my friend group is split on this one. For a bit of context, I (21f) have some sort of condition where flexing certain fingers is painful. It can get to the point where my finger "locks" and doesn't move.

Most notably, whenever my finger bends there's a loud pop followed by pain. I've been looking into this for years, and no one seems to know what to do besides putting it in a splint and hoping.

I finally got a call from my doctor that she got me a referral for a plastic surgeon that specializes in hand/feet and I'm extremely excited. Basically the procedure that's going to be done is similar to botox, where they try to stiffen the finger to prevent my tendon from snapping.

I told a few of my close friends about the procedure. I guess one of their girlfriends overheard that I was getting botox and misunderstood. She started messaging me how beautiful I was and that I shouldn't mess with my natural beauty. I was offended because she kept making the comments, even after I told her to stop.

Every time she saw me she would mention it, or bring up how important it is to be yourself in this "plastic" world. We were on a large group call the other day to hang out, and she made a comment to me in front of our friends saying "not everyone has mommy pay for botox." I. Was. Pissed.

My parents are not paying for any part of the procedure, it's covered by my country's healthcare. I asked her where she thought I was getting botox and she replied that it was obviously a facial surgery.

I went off on her. I told her about my health issues and how the procedure gave me so much hope that maybe I could literally hold a pencil without pain. I told her she was being judgmental and that she had NO RIGHT to judge me, even if my surgery was cosmetic.

I told her to get off her high horse and reevaluate herself before trying to shame other people. I also called her a judgey b**** at one point. She ended up logging off the call. The call got really awkward, and we ended up just hanging up a few minutes after.

She messaged me later saying she felt alienated from the group and that I didn't have to call her out in public like that, I could have told her privately. She also blamed me for not telling her the surgery was medical earlier, leading to this misunderstanding. I don't think she was entitled to any information, and even it it was cosmetic, she had no right to act like she did.

Her boyfriend and one of my mutual friends thinks she's right, and I should have corrected her in private. I could be TA because I did kind of make the call awkward for everyone, instead of laughing her joke off and correcting her later.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

seriouslaser said:

1.) She called you out in public. You responded in kind.

2.) She has no right to your medical information at all, let alone at a time of her choosing.

She's just mad that her own actions made her look bad in front of people. NTA.

StuffTasty said:

Totally NTA she made a comment about it in front of everyone so why should she get the privilege of privacy besides she deserved to be called out for being so judgmental for no reason. And no it is none of her business to know why you were getting surgery. She needed to be thrown off her high horse.

whynousernamelef said:

Nta. She brought it up in front of other people trying to shame you so why should you call her out in private. She was making ridiculous assumptions and being incredibly judgemental based on that. Imply that your parents are paying for plastic surgery while in a group call was her trying to embarrass you and also sounding bitter and jealous of you.

She didn't deserve any respect from you simply because she was being so incredibly disrespectful to you. Don't apologise to, she could do with plastic surgery herself because she must have a really big nose from the way she goes around shoving it in other people's business. Good luck with the procedure I hope it works out well for you.

riano25 said:

NTA. Not all plastic surgery is cosmetic, and even if it is and someone doesn't like the idea, what someone else may do to their own body isn't really anyone else's business.

My brother had plastic surgery age 10 to put his nose back together after getting a hockey stick to the face and my uncle had plastic surgery to reduce pain and tightness of scarring on his neck which was the result of surgery for throat cancer. Plastic surgery can be a medical necessity and that's no ones business.

Servantofbosco said:

Well, then, the nosy, judgmental B could have talked to YOU in PRIVATE. Yea, it sucks to be embarrassed, doesn’t it. Which was exactly what she was trying to do to YOU by getting all opinionated while you were on a group call. “Not everybody has mommy to pay for botox”... as IF it is ANY of her business! WTF. You tried to ignore it but she wouldn’t fucking let it GO.

Oh, Boo HOO, now she’s embarrassed, OMG, you embarrassed her, and now she is trying to turn your “friend group” against you. She’s jealous of you, I’ll just bet. Your looks, your job, your relationship, something you have is something she covets. This mentally unbalanced nosy busybody is trying to cut you down to size. You told her what’s what, and good for YOU. NTA

Edited to add:

A few bits of information I realized I left out when seeing comments

1.) "Why were you so offended by her natural beauty comment?" These were passive aggressive statements and not compliments. She would send me links to opinion forums or blogs about "gods natural beauty" and told me I was ruining myself.

2.) "Why didn't you just tell her?" Honestly? I told her it was not cosmetic and she refused to back down until she had every detail. She claimed it was an excuse if I wouldn't elaborate. I don't think she's entitled to know my medical history, especially when I don't really know her.

3.) "Why did you get so mad?" I kind of downplayed my condition. Not everyone in that call knew about it because honestly? It can be embarrassing. I know it's something I can't control but it still hurts when I have really bad days and need someone to help feed me or I just drink soup out of a straw.

It sucks when you know your hair is matted but you can't pick up a hairbrush to untangle it. I didn't want people to treat me differently. Most of them knew I had some problem with my hands because I sometimes have to use voice to text when taking notes.

She later shared this update:

Thanks everyone for your comments. I was not expecting this to get this big so I don't have time to reply to everyone, but thanks especially to those of you reaching out about similar issues or providing information based on experience.

It helps a lot to know I'm not the only one, and that some people have been treated for this and had the treatment work! I usually hate drama and I didn't even know the gf would be on the call (if I did I absolutely wouldn't have joined).

My friends messaged me, apparently they were all PISSED and messaged my friend to let him know that what his gf said was not ok. They are supporting me 100% and are even helping me do some research into recovery options.