"AITA for purchasing my wedding dress without my mom?"
AITAH for buying my wedding dress without my mom?
I, 35 F, had my aunt in town to do a late bday celebration. We decided to go look at wedding dresses and had planned it out 3 weeks in advance.
Side note is this is my second wedding as well as my fiancé's, it’s going to be very small. I’m plus sized and my mom is tiny like a size 2 and very judgmental about my body and clothes. Regardless, I’ve tried to include or keep her updated with wedding plans as we make them but she’s kinda been a downer on everything from colors to location to invite list.
Anyways, regardless of everything I invited my mom right away to join us as I felt most moms would want to be there to pick out the dress and she declined. Two weeks out- I invited my mom again, again she declines. A week out I invited invite her again and you guessed it, she declines. This proceeded to occur all the way up to the night before.
Week of, I invited her no less than 7 times and her reasoning for declining ranged from “you never know what will happen”, “your wedding isn’t til next year” (less than 11 months), to “oh I have plans at 3 so I don’t think I’ll make it in time”….first appointment was at 10am and 45 min away from her house.
Mom calls me the night before and says just don’t buy anything. I informed her I’m not making that promise as if I find the perfect dress, I’ll go ahead and get it. I ask her one last time and she declines the invitation again.
So my aunt and I go to the first appointment and find THE dress. Yes, I tried on about 30 in various styles, materials etc but loved this one. It was double my budget but the shop decided to give it to me half off because they were just so nice and my aunt decided to pay for it and all the accessories as a surprise.
I said we should at least FaceTime my mom and show it to her. We did and she was like “eh, keep it as an option but idk." My aunt jumped in and said “no we’re informing you this is the dress we purchased and thought you’d like to see it." Now my mom’s upset I didn’t take her with me to see the dress first.
She’s also jealous I took my aunt (from out-of-state) to see the venue. Keep in mind we’ve had this venue booked for nearly a year and my parents live less than an hour from it and have declined every invite thus far. So AITA for not waiting to buy my wedding dress before my mom could come see it in person?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Gigi-lily wrote:
I think you might need to stop including your mother. You spent most of the time you should have been excited about looking for a dress following up with someone who is not only acting disinterested but trying to rain on your parade.
I think this is a one invite (and more of a telling her you are doing this) and then keep it moving. I am sorry your mom is being annoying but I am glad you got your dress at half price and your aunt was able to cover it!
OP responded:
Yeah you’re probably right. I only invited them to dinner so my dad could be involved and see his sister. My aunt is so strong and independent and one of my best friends!!
Only-Ingenuity7889 wrote:
I'd recommend at the actual wedding you have your aunt help you dress and get ready, instead of Mom, if you want to walk down the aisle happy and with confidence.
NTA. I'm really happy you had a great experience. 🩷
OP responded:
That’s a great idea!!
littlerubygloom wrote:
It seems like it is time to inform your mother that this wedding IS happening. It is not optional, she cannot delay or stall to make it not happen, you WILL be pursuing your happiness, regardless of her opinions on it, and she can either get on board and be happy and involved or step out of your way, but you will not be placating her and whatever tantrum she is going through. NTA.
OP responded:
Thanks. My fiance agrees and is proud of me for standing my ground on this. Also, we’re paying for everything so there’s no strings attached either.
Prudent_Border5060 wrote:
Stop trying. Its clear your mom isn't interested. I am guessing there is some history there. Rely on your Aunt. Sometimes people aren't close to their Moms.
NTA. But you need to let it be. It will only hurt you.
OP responded:
Very true.
Sweetnothings12 wrote:
NTA, but is there some kind of history with your mom where she said no to something and then was mad when you didn't include her? Otherwise, I don't understand why you'd invite someone so many times. The first "no" should be it.
Maybe tell her when the appointment is and that she is welcome to join if it works for her, but asking over and over again seems weird. If you accept the first no, she'll have to learn that she needs to show up if she wants to be a part of something.
OP responded:
Oh so much history lol. Plus her telling people in the past that I excluded her and never invited her. We live in a different state than the rest of the family so I was trying to make it very clear she was invited.
I’m also adopted and she will throw the “you don’t want me cuz I’m not your real mom” card out every so often. Several of my cousins recently got married and their moms were really involved and stuff so mines been telling everyone she’s out of the loop on our wedding plans…she’s not.
I’ve even addressed it when I’ve been present during those discussions but I’m at a loss here of what else I SHOULD do if anything. I’ve tried my hardest but my aunt and fiance say I should just stop cuz she steals a bit of the joy out of situations even after if she’s informed.
No-Potential-7242 wrote:
You know you're not TA here. What I think you need to know is that this is your opportunity to change the dynamic with your mother. Do not allow her to create drama over this. Keep your comments brief so that they are clear and she can't seize on details to create more drama:
"Mom, I'm sorry you weren't there but it was 100% your decision. I invited you several times. Your relationship with
is not for me to manage. I'm so grateful to have had her there. She was incredibly supportive and generous."
"I hope you will make different choices in future if you want to be involved but there's nothing to be done about what has happened. I'm sorry, but I am going to focus on my wedding and not your regrets about your decision."
If she brings it up again, put the phone down, ignore the text, or leave the room after saying, "we've discussed this and I'm done."
OP responded:
Yeah that’s a good idea. It’s a lot easier with my aunt and fiance backing me up too. A small part of me just needed outside validation on this as that side of my family is SUPER involved in each others lives!