'AITA for flirting with another man in front of my husband to show him how it feels?'

"AITA for flirting with another man in front of my husband purposefully?"

Tom and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2 months. He is handsome, funny, quirky and a wonderful conversationalist, just perfect for me really. We go dancing, jogging, visit galleries and cook together.

He is so sensual and loving, it’s astounding and there’s never a dull moment with him. I’m fond of his mum and he has welcomed my folks as his own family too. We rarely argue most of the time … except on one topic.

Tom had a close friend who on multiple occasions he’s described as his best friend, let’s call her Julia. Originally Tom tried to ask her out years ago (before he met me), but she turned him down. They bonded over work.

They had back and forth that seemed impenetrable, as whenever I tried to join in, Julia would give me these droll, blank stares. She was somewhat flirtatious with Tom, stroking his bicep when he flexed it, suggesting they should work out together. She also made somewhat insensitive comments that have really upset me.

Whenever I tried to bring this up Tom hand-waved it as “banter” that I was overthinking, insisting that it was in good faith but I was never so sure. I tried to chat to Julia one day when Tom left the room and she just muttered “I hate small talk” and started scrolling on her phone.

Another time I was talking to her, she just muttered “mmhmm” throughout the entire conversation in a very bored tone and demonstratively yawned. The final straw was when she escalated her behaviour from immature jabs to a “prank” that was primarily done to humiliate me.

It didn’t physically hurt, but it was emotionally devastating in a way that caused so much hassle that me and Tom had to go to marriage counselling for it. He also more or less stopped talking to Julia because of it.

At first he was really defensive and kept claiming Julia’s behavior is primarily just edginess that I’m misconstruing as having more sinister intentions, but the marriage counsellor has pointed out that his repeated invalidation has weighed on our marriage and its impact will take a while to be lifted - and that the primary way to heave that weight will be to trust my impressions if I believe that something is up.

After a particularly heated counselling session, he was agreeing with a lot of the talking points our counsellor was making, but he was still insistent that Julia had no feelings for him. I said that given her past behaviour, it’s very likely she holds some sort of torch for him regardless of whether she admits to it or not.

He told me that I was reading too much into it and I was absolutely livid, it was as though he learned nothing from our sessions. To put it across to him more aggressively, I waved over a stranger in fitness gear, complimenting his muscles. I asked him where he worked out and when he answered, I told him we could meet up and work out together one day with a wink.

When he left, Tom was enraged and demanding that I explain myself but I told him that the explanation was right there in my behavior. He was furious, understandably so, but it was the only way he could understand the severity of my pain - to experience it himself. He then shouted that what I did was specifically done to flirt whereas Julia was likely not intending that at all.

I called BS, stating that it’s the exact same thing, regardless of intention - if I’m perfectly honest, it frustrates me that even to this point he’s still defending her months down the line. AITA here?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

HarveySnake said:

NTA. Your husband is being intentionally and willfully blind to Julia’s behavior and effectively encouraged it. You gave him a taste of how that feels and looks after trying so many other methods.

mpan2501 said:

NTA what is wrong with these girl best friends antagonizing the girlfriend and the guy remains “oblivious” and defending behaviors like this? Are men really this dense? And even if they are indeed so emotionally immature they cannot recognize it, how is it OK to dismiss and not recognize their supposed person telling them about their hurting and just doing nothing about it until sh!t hits the fan? Why??

I’m curious what the prank was that broke the camel’s back for you, only bc i cannot fathom after all this disrespect she showed you what else could she do that was even more aweful??? Good luck friend!

OP responded:

She damaged a dress of mine apparently on accident, and was too ashamed or embarrassed to apologise. When she was given the chance, she sent a disgusting “present” that made it finally sink in for Tom that she was treating me like sneaker residue. Afterwards Tom has been firmly no contact with her.

JJQuantum said:

NTA. I actually don’t think Julia has a romantic thing for your husband at all. I just think she likes being the number one woman in his life, though not a romantic partner. To that end she is willing to try and squeeze you out at every opportunity and/or show you who’s boss.

The only answer to this is not for you to show her who’s boss. It’s for your husband to show her, hard. He really needs to shut her down. The way she is treating you is unacceptable.

OP responded:

That’s exactly it! She’s quite flirty in general, I’ve been at events where we’ve been in big groups of people and she’s made suggestive comments to both men and women. I’m less bothered by the flirting if it doesn’t feel so personal. but there’s a line when she’s being affectionate towards my husband and presenting me with a reception as icy as Antartica

RantyMcThrowaway said:

NTA. But you will be TA if you stay and keep letting this man turn you into someone who resorts to games and flirting with other men to get your point across. You should not have to beg your husband for understanding, nor should you have to sink to his level to "help him" understand your pain.

He knows it hurts you and he doesn't care. You should have left your husband years ago. He is having an emotional affair. The fact that Julia plays into it is appalling, but you can only control your relationship with him. The longer you stay the more it affirms to him that you will tolerate him letting his relationship with another woman destroy your marriage.

OP responded:

Julia is no longer in the picture luckily - she’s went with a whimper rather than a bang, but the damage still lingers, you’re absolutely right there. It’s something we’ve discussed in counselling numerous times.

It’s not something that I plan to do on a bi-weekly basis, turning on the cocquettish charm and all, but I felt like Tom needed a context of how that behaviour from a woman would when it’s not going his way ifykwim

DozenBia said:

ESH, your husband the least. There is a major difference between best friends saying 'hey wanna work out together' or you asking a stranger to a gym date. These are not at all comparable. Like, not at all. She sucks for her prank, idk if your husband sucks depending on what it was and what he knew.

And OP responded:

I know it wasn’t the best way to go about it, but outside of our daily talks and our counseling, how would have Tom picked up? It’s not something that I would want to engage in on a regular basis - he needed to see things through my eyes for a moment so he could understand my past heartache. After that we could continue as usual.

Do you have any ideas? I would like to know - sincerely. I am not being sarcastic just so you know. Tom feels the same way about Julia’s behaviour that you do - like she was just a friend extending an invitation - but given her cruelty towards me, I’m inclined to wonder whether she’s either marking her territory as the main woman in his life or has some unresolved feelings of her own …