'AITA for purposefully missing meeting my sister's biological family?' UPDATED
"AITA for purposefully missing meeting my sister's biological family?"
I’m 22M and my sister is 28F. So for context my sister was adopted (parents thought they couldn’t conceive) and then I was born. But my parents loved us both and whatever.
Anyway, a few months ago my sister started meeting with her biological mom after tracking her down. I was there to meet with them for the first meeting and everything. My parents have been supportive and I’ve been supportive as well.
But that first meeting, her biological mom brought her two daughters. They look a lot like my sister, and the older kid is 21, around my age. She hugged my sister and they cried and everything. They look alike and after talking they were able to point out like similar behavioral characteristics, etc.
I’m nothing like my sister. We have different interests etc, but we’ve been close. But when I was a kid I used to annoy her a lot, and tbh I’ve done some messed up stuff to her.
When I was 12, I pulled her earring and tore her ear lobe (didn’t wanna hurt her like that but did wanna mess with her). I used to force myself into any outings with her friends. I used to annoy her.
I made fun of her a few times when she got bad grades in math (and she made fun of my English grades as well, I suck at writing). There’s more messed up stuff we did to each other (arguably I was worse tho lol), but I could go on and on. When I was around 14-15 we got chill and have been chill since.
Also, I like video games, the gym, and the gun range; that’s all I do. She likes outdoor and super social activities. Her biological sisters seem to be more in tune with her interests.
I kinda feel like I’ve been a terrible brother and felt like an imposter. I’ve sat out 3 other meetings they had with them claiming I couldn’t come home, I was busy with work, etc. Idk how to talk about this with her cuz I have super ironic relationship with her.
She keeps it real with me but I’ve never spoken non-sarcastic to her. Even when she said she would contact her biological family I said “good hope they take you off our hands haha” and we both laughed it off.
Recently she’s begun to suspect something I think. She asked me if I don’t like them or something or why I keep avoiding my family as a whole (I haven’t been home in a few months either). I lied to her and said I’m actually busy.
My mom keeps asking me about it too and tells me it’s important to support her. I do support her, but it’s like… I feel like she’s better off with them. They never annoyed her growing up and stuff. I know it’s a bit illogical but I thought I was doing the right thing since I don’t want her meeting them to be about me.
II don’t really get along with my dad, and my mom never intervenes when I argue with him. My sister has always stood up for me against him. She’s the only one who gets me so I don’t wanna lie to her, but I don’t wanna make this moment about me either. I thought I was doing the right thing. Anyway sorry if this is messily written, I don’t like thinking or talking about like deep things much.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA honestly i would send this post to your sister- it sounds like you are struggling to tell her you regret how you treated her growing up and you appreciate her as a sister. you wrote it really well here- send this or something similar to her to help open the conversation up!
Family isn’t based on blood, or interests. Above all you’re her brother and she wants you to be apart of this new phase of her life, as an older sibling I don’t care how much my half sister terrorizes me, that’s my baby. I’m gonna say NTA, but I would have a non-sarcastic conversation about this and how you feel.
NTA because you are processing your feelings but I really think you need to have a real, non-sarcastic, conversation with your sister and tell her your feelings. You write like you feel like an outsider in her life now and that it hurts because she is the one in your family you feel the closest to. Tell her that.
I’d like address some specific points in your post. First, sounds like you were an annoying little brother, which is 99.9% of all little brothers to have ever existed. Don’t beat yourself up for that. Second, if she had grown up with them they would have annoyed her as much if not more. I’m a little sister myself and I annoyed the hell out of my big sister.
Third, I can tell just from what you wrote that your sister loves you and wants you to be a part of her life and to be a part of the larger group of siblings she now has. It sounds like she has many things in common with her bio-sisters but she only has a shared childhood with you.
Also, the shared interests they have may just be more to do with the fact that they are all women and you are a man. But even if it is biological, that doesn’t mean you don’t belong in her life. Wishing you the best. Go tell your sister you love her.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
I followed everyone’s advice and thought about sending her a text/letter. But my dad unfortunately fractured his leg, and I had to stop by home to check on him on Thursday.
We don’t have a speaking relationship, but my mom’s makes me still be a “good son” and he lashes out at my mom if I don’t play the part. My sister was there, since my dad and I don’t talk to each other face to face and only talk through her or my mom.
Anyway, afterwards, my dad sat on the couch to watch TV and I had some dinner with my sister. She just said it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other and asked if everything was okay and why I’ve been avoiding her.
I don't know why it happened or what happened, but for some reason I started crying then and kinda just told her everything. It all just spilled out. Not just that, but other issues I’ve been having in life in general as well.
Little bit embarrassing to be honest, I just haven’t seen her since January. She started crying too, and assured me I’ll always be family, and my mom cried too. My dad got really angry and made a comment about how men don’t cry and that my mom and sister are spoiling me by letting me cry (same stuff he normally did growing up).
This time my mom joined my sister and they both yelled at him. Told him to get lost essentially. He got angry and picked up his crutches and walked (well hopped) to the neighbors house (his friend) lol.
Anyway, I don't know why but that helped a lot. I took off from work and my sister did too and we spent all of Friday chilling. She wanted me to come to her bio-mom’s husband’s birthday party on Saturday if I was cool with it.
I was and I went there and met them again. Cool coincidence, her bio-mom’s husband’s sister was my professor back in college. I TAed for her and she was my mentor. So I spent most of the time there catching up with her, and taking grad school and career advice from her.
And she said she knew someone at my dream company I wanna work for and told me to contact her again when I graduate since I already know her and we’re “confusingly family now” lol.
My sister was glad I had a good time, and my mom did too(dad sat it out since he was injured). When I had to leave to come back my sister cried again and made a huge scene haha. Made me promise to never ignore my family like that again. I’m home now and I think I’ll continue stopping by home once every 2 weeks or so like I did before everything.
Anyway yeah, not a huge update or anything, but it’s cool. I told my sister I would show up to her meetings with them sometimes but not every time cuz it’s still awkward for me, and she said she’s okay with that just wanted them and me to know about each other a bit. So yeah, it’s kinda all chill now. All it took was me crying like a child and being sappy lmao, I’m never living that down.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Glad to hear it's a happy update! All the best for your future career and with your family. As for your dad, he can kick rocks.
"Not a huge update" ....???
This is great, my guy. You opened up to your sister and had a heartfelt conversation. Great job.
I'm really sorry it this is disrespectful, but it sounds like karma got your father in the form of his fractured leg. Best of wishes to you and your sister, glad it worked out.
I would be afraid to lose such a gem of a sister as well (even if the fear is "baseless). Glad everything turned out so well. Give your sister a big hug. Wish you all the best. And your family. Well ... not your father.
What a great update. And the "messed up stuff" is you being brother and sister. Normal growing up. Yes the bio mum's kids have a biological link and look alike. You have years of shared history as kids. Her family expanded to include more people not to lose you.