'AITA for pursuing med school next year even though my wife is pregnant?'
"AITA for pursuing medicine even though my wife is pregnant?"
I am 24-years-old and my wife is 25. She is pregnant and due later this year, I start med school next year, everything is already set and I have been admitted to school, however some of my wife’s family has openly stated that it’s selfish to go to med school because I have a kid on the way and they need my time.
I decided to become a doctor before my wife was pregnant, and I postponed starting so I can be here with her throughout the whole pregnancy.
I am a veteran and the GI Bill will help a lot plus I also receive VA disability, with my income alone we will be fine and I will try my best to be home and with my kid as much as I can, I am not going to med school because I want to be away but because I am working towards our future and my career.
They keep telling me that school is too long and that it’s not a good choice. My wife has been supportive, I care more about my wife’s input than her family but I am just trying to see if I am being selfish from someone else’s perspective. So, AITA for still choosing to go to med school?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
sciliz wrote:
NTA.
Here's how you can be an Outstanding Human, not just NTA:
Your first healthcare patients are your baby, your wife, and yourself (in that order). Make your choices about how to spend your time to protect and preserve that health (physical and mental). She will need breaks, you will need breaks. Build your communication and your relationship.
Never complain about lack of sleep (except to bond with people experiencing the same!). Both medicine and small humans can drive you nuts with sleep deprivation- it's really hard. It is the path you have chosen and it is what it is. If you're a vet, you have probably encountered some of it before and you will survive.
Related to 1), med school does not mean you do not get up with the baby. In general, Moms get up about 3/4th of the time. your goal should be 50% of the time (I realize that your wife's choices about breastfeeding may impact this.
But if that's the case you've got to do something like *all* the diapers, or another division of labor that is Above and Beyond what Most Dudes do). Protect each parent's right to 4 hours uninterrupted every night at all costs.
As you make choices about your specialty preference and training length and residency location restrictions- always make sure your wife is on board. Your in laws get to have their opinions, but they probably won't really understand your path. Don't hold it against them.
Protect your wife economically. Make sure that if there were a divorce she'd be okay. Make sure you have life insurance, and same-occupation long term disability. Make sure you save during residency and don't take on credit card debt. Fill those (spousal) Roth IRAs during those years if you can, though see 7) below.
For the next 20 years, you will not play video games, or golf, or engage in a selfish hobby that sucks up 20 hours a week of your life or requires high costs. Your hobbies for the next 8 years will be inexpensive, fit into 30 minute increments, and come after the priority of your wife having an identity outside motherhood.
After med school/residency, your hobbies can be as expensive as you like (outside of maybe private jet collection!), possibly take up much more time, and should still come after your wife having an identity outside motherhood.
The leisure time gap is real. Med school is intense, but not all consuming. Your family life is there to give you balance, it's not something that is pulling away from your entertainment indulgence right.
It sounds like somewhere around your 3rd or 4th year of med school, during your clinical rotations, will be the time to hire some help (probably more help while you are doing emergency than pathology).
You are blessed to have the GI bill/VA, so you will not need to go into debt for lifestyle (unlike the majority of your med school peers). But there may be a time to invest in extra help- during periods your child is not yet in school but your schedule is extremely *inflexible*. Budget for it.
GarbageWitch87 wrote:
NAH. You’re not an AH for pursuing medicine but it’s a huge commitment. Anyone who knows doctors know they aren’t around much. It’s a lifestyle much like marrying a cop or someone from the military.
It isn’t inherently bad but you have to know what you’re getting into. I think your wife’s family is concerned that you’re going to miss a great deal of your child’s life to set up a future they may not even be a part of. All you can do is your best :)
Pristine_Trip8843 wrote:
I don't think anyone is an AH here really. I did let out a bit of a sad sigh at this story, because I've seen it so many times over. Woman gives birth and puts her life on hold to be the primary caretaker while husband expands and enriches his own life. And yes, I know, it's for the family in the long run, you are the provider, yes yes yes.
It's just the same story every time and I do prefer to hear of the rare instance where the roles are reversed. How nice it is to be able to chase your own dreams and in the process automatically fulfill your obligation to your family. But again, you're NTA for wanting to grow your career and you have your wife's full support.
And you clearly have the means to pay for school and after a few years your income will overtake your loans so financially it's also fine. It will be fine and you're not the first or last to make this decision--not by far. You're in good company. The judgmental family will just have to deal with it. Best of luck with med school.
SugarBooWitch00 wrote:
NTA. You're investing in your family's future, not just yours. It'll be tough, but worth it in the long run. Hang in there!
beautifullybroken94 wrote:
NTA. My fiancé is currently in school and about to be a dad. I support him 100%. In this economy you need the best job you can get especially to support a child.
Far_Blueberry3220 wrote:
NTA - just make sure you and your wife remember you are a team. You’ll both feel burnt out at some point, so have plans in place, so you’re not taking out frustration on each other. This is in the best interest of you and YOUR family. Kick butt in med school!