"AITA for putting my aunt on the spot in front of her DIL?"
In front of my hubby, and the rest of the family, my aunt has asked me multiple times why I refer to my MIL auntie, instead of mom. In our culture we don’t refer to our FIL and MIL any names. We either refer to them as mom and dad or uncle or auntie.
I’ve always responded that I love my mom and even though she passed away, I will always have one mom. She put up with me and has seen all my sides. She has been by my side through everything. No one deserves to be called my mom, except for my mom.
My hubby doesn’t mind care. Plus he also refers to my mom as auntie, but according to my aunt, it’s ok because he is a Son in Law (that means he is a man - he can do what he wants).
she’s been trying to create drama between me and my husband, but we’re not entertaining it. However, now I know why she is pushing this on me.
My aunt is a new MIL and is expecting her DIL to refer to her as mom, but her DIL refers to her auntie. At a family gathering my aunt wanted to make her point in front of her DIL, thinking this would come at my expense.
She asked me what I refer to my MIL as and I said “you already know this, I refer to her as auntie. We’ve had this conversation” but then she added “you know she’ll only see you as a daughter if you call her mom”.
She was saying this to me but her comment was obviously toward her DIL who was sitting with us and listening.
I smiled and this is how the conversation went.
ME: “you love your son very much don’t you”
Aunt: “yes, of course he’s my son, any mom would love her son”
ME: “say your DIL refers to you as mom and you truly love her like a daughter. god forbid, say your son and DIL got into an accident, and they both have kidney failure and you match both, who would you give your kidney to”
Aunt: *silent*
ME: why are you silent? Obviously we three know the answer, duh you’ll give it to your son cus you’re his Mom.
Aunt: *silent*
DIL: smiles, but doesn’t say anything.
AUNT: you’re being so disrespectful to me. I am the elder here…walks away
Moments later there is drama. Too much to type, but the consensus is I should have stayed quiet. Even though they know the last 7 years of my married life my aunt has been telling me to call my MIL mom and this is the first time I’ve spoken up. I should stay quiet cus I should respect my elders.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I laughed out loud when I read this. Nice job!
NTA. Keep speaking up and disrespecting those who don’t deserve respect.
Eventually, they’ll either quit baiting you, or die of old age.
Either way, you win. 😎
I don’t think you’re the AH at all Even between Eastern and western cultural differences It’s such a privilege that you had a mother whom you truly love and value (and she was the only one for you).
However, the term Auntie, in North American and other cultures, is used as a term of endearment for someone older than you that you truly love and respect (whether or not they are your birth aunt) I think that is just as valuable and loving an expression as Mom.
I never called my MIL’s mom ever. I used their names. I was also asked why I didn’t call her mom. I responded like OP I have a mom and I don’t need another but I will respect you as the mother of my husband. I will also have my children call you grandma or whatever you choose. However I will still call you by your name.
NTA: You say the truth, you speak your mind, no fault. You trapped a misbehaving auntie in her own bad logic. Well done. If someone wants to drag your name ignore it, keep your thoughts right and your words true and you will never have a problem.
NTA. I'm going to say this as someone who is an elder at this point. That "respect your elders" line is BS. Respect the people who deserve your respect, no matter what their age. There are plenty of old people who are not worthy of respect and do not deserve a free pass because they're old.
Your Aunt needs to respect you and your husband and let this drop. She cannot force her DIL to love her, but the way Auntie is going DIL isn't even going to like her if she's not careful.
It does sound like there are cultural differences between my country and yours, but my opinion is the same: Everyone should be treated with a certain polite respect as a matter of decency, but blindly obeying and yielding to someone just because they are old is wrong.
NTA. I was raised to respect my elders, and I do. BUT, respect is a 2 way street. I will not tolerate an elder being disrespectful to me. Respect is given where it is earned. Your aunt sounds exhausting. I would have to distance myself to protect my peace of mind.
Y'know, your example might not land the way you hoped. Parents can have favorites between their full-blooded children, (I'm not saying that's right, btw) i.e., the Golden Child. And some cultures just straight-up favor sons over daughters.
NTA. Well done. If it comes up again id emphasize more to your aunt thats its an insult to give anyone the title of mother, when only the mother feels the pain of childbirth or the sacrifice of motherhood.
So the best term of endearment and the biggest compliment anyone can give without disrespecting a mother would be to call someone they love auntie. Someone who knew their mother as a child and them as a child and someone all the family loves and respects and looks up to. The auntie. She'll probably love it.