'AITA for putting more effort into decorating my son's room than my stepdaughter's?'
"AITA for putting more effort into decorating my son's room than my stepdaughter's?"
I (40F) have been with my husband (43M) for several years. He has a daughter (13F) from a previous relationship. When we started dating and I was introduced to her, he made it very clear that she already had parents and didn’t need another one—what she needed was an advocate and mentor.
I was absolutely fine with that and have always tried to respect those boundaries. For the most part, our relationship is good. She’s a great kid. Now, we also have a son together (3M). He’s my first and only biological child, and I had wanted him for a very long time.
Here’s the issue:
I had a very specific vision for my son’s room that I’d planned well in advance. I painted two ombre walls that go from grass green to sky blue and transition into a dusty blue ceiling covered in glow-in-the-dark stars.
His ceiling light has a sun-shaped lampshade, and his nightlight is a moon. He has a Montessori-style floor bed designed to look like a tent, a grassy rug, a ball pit that looks like a pool, tree trunk–shaped toy chests that double as chairs and a table, and a tree-shaped bookshelf. I paid for all of this myself.
When it came to my stepdaughter’s room, we asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted a reading nook, so we created one with a small round mattress, a ton of cushions in her favorite colors, and a mosquito net canopy.
She chose her wall colors (solid block shades), and we did the room together. We split the cost 50/50. The rest of the furniture in her room was purchased by my husband before I came into the picture, and he doesn’t see any point in replacing it since it’s still in good condition. As a result, I didn’t have much say in that space.
Recently, after seeing my son’s room fully set up, my stepdaughter got upset. She said I clearly put way more effort into his space than hers and accused me of playing favorites because he's “actually mine.” I tried to explain that I didn’t want to overstep when it came to her room and that she made most of the choices herself. But now she feels hurt and like I don't care as much about her.
I do feel guilty because I can see how, from her perspective, it looks unfair. But I also don’t know how to navigate doing more without violating the boundaries my husband and I set early on. I’m not her parent, and I didn’t want to push decisions onto her room. At the same time, I now wonder if I should have tried harder or been more involved. So internet…AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
saradeeez wrote:
This is where you step in as her advocate. Talk to her (sans husband) about her vision; let her know what you think is realistic, in a kind manner. Then go to your husband together and talk about what else she wants. Go to bat for her - surely you remember what it’s like to be a 13yo girl that has dreams of what her room could look like.
If your husband pushes back, don’t argue in front of her - just tell her you and her dad need to have grownup talk and then tell him you’re just being her advocate, as he asked you to be.
You have an amazing chance here to bond with her - take it.
Dependent_Interest87 wrote:
Why is she having this conversation with you and not her dad? He should be stepping in and handling this and taking responsibility for the decisions he made for her room. You paid for everything in your son’s room and half for his daughter? Seems like you have done more than your part. He needs to talk to her. You are good.
springflowers68 wrote:
NTA. It was nice of you to go 50/50 on your stepdaughter’s room because of how clear your husband made it that you stay out of parenting decisions related to his daughter. He is the one who needs to talk to her about her room, not you. You can help her redecorate, but your husband needs to be responsible.
legeekycupcake wrote:
NTA but your husband is. He is the one that should have been handling his daughter’s room. You shouldn’t have even paid for anything in there as you’re not her parent and he’s made that very clear. So since you aren’t and he is, why is he not handling this situation? He should be defending you to his daughter and help make it right for her by doing whatever changes she apparently now wants.
Both-Enthusiasm708 wrote:
Idk it's not about who is right or wrong. I think the stepdaughter is upset bc she probably wanted something cool but doesn't know how to make that vision happen. Maybe just sit down with her and help her realize that vision. It could be a good bonding moment.
Some of us don't have a good eye for this stuff and need some help. Especially a teenager. And your husband should pay one hundred percent. NAH.
Kikilake wrote:
NTA. Your husband needs to step in and help make it clear that you were given and are respecting boundaries and that if anyone has been lacking in effort it is him. Then you can all problem solve together. This is a chance to strengthen your family unit.
Classic-Delivery3875 wrote:
NTA. 13-year-old girls are 13-year-old girls. If you want her to not feel that way. Take her shopping and let her pick her own things. I wouldn’t take it personally. She has been the only kiddo for a long time and probably feels like her 3 year old brother gets all the attention.
completedett wrote:
NTA. Tell your stepdaughter you went with your vision for 3 year olds room. With her room you went with her vision. Ask her what else she wants done? Some fairy lights or a theme could really elevate the room.
balconyherbs wrote:
NTA, but your husband is. Why are you pitching in for the costs of your stepdaughter's room but he's not paying anything for his son's room? And why is he leaving you to take the blame on this?