'AITA for putting my name next to my late wife's on her headstone? People think it's premature.'
"AITA for putting my name next to my late wife's on her headstone?"
I (32m) lost my wife Isobel to cancer 3 years ago. When she was sick we purchased a grave plot together and talked about what would happen if the worst happened, which it did 7 months after her diagnosis.
When the headstone was being made I asked them to put my name next to hers with my date of birth and to leave space for when my time comes because the grave is for the two of us and if needed our kids, but hopefully just me. The kids and I have been to the grave a few times since Isobel passed.
They have asked about my name being on the headstone and I answered their questions. But they never had any trouble processing it. A few days ago my parents had my kids for the day and my oldest asked if he could drop something off at the grave so my parents took the three kids and saw the headstone. Seeing my name on there has made them go a little crazy though.
They asked me why I'd add my name to it and I told them because one day I'll pass and I'll be buried next to my wife or even if I'm cremated I would like my name next to hers. They told me I'm way too young to expect to be next to Isobel when I go. They asked what about my next wife or my next partner if I never remarry.
They asked how I would ever have another relationship if I'm locking myself into a commitment to Isobel even in death. They told me it was going to cause so many problems in my life and I didn't think it true. I told them I had. That I don't even know if I'll ever want to be in another relationship or marry again but that I do not want to now and I can't see it in the next decade at least.
But even if I did have another relationship or remarry it wouldn't make me regret my decision. They told me that was crazy and I was a widower at 29 and that it's crazy young to be single from 29 to 99. They asked me why I wanted to spoil my future and why it doesn't bother me to visit the grave and see my name on there.
I told them they were overreacting and it's not their decision at the end of the day. When they wouldn't let it drop I made them leave and once I did that they went around and told the rest of my family. Nobody else is bothered by this like them. A couple of relatives actually took inspiration from what I did and my parents are blaming me for it.
At the bottom of all this they seem to view me putting my name on there as a disrespect to someone who is a hypothetical in terms of my life. I don't think they're correct and clearly others in the family aren't outraged like my parents. But AITA for this decision? Is it really such an awful thing to add my name?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
FarSilver2355 wrote:
I see people saying “adding your name later.” My mom was advised that adding information to a headstone after it’s placed is done by hand and expensive since the charge is by the letter. NTA. Do what is right for you and save your kids a bunch of money later.
OP responded:
It's very expensive. Dying is not cheap. And people don't realize until they have to pay for the expense of burying and/or cremating and everything else.
magic_crouton wrote:
As a child burying parents over the last few years. Im going to say the nicest thing you did was plan for your death including the headstone which are, by the way, not cheap. It gives peace of mind in the heat of the moment im not also going to have to talk go a cemetery and buy a plot perhaps away from my other family for my dad ehen he dies. He goes in his spot.
OP responded:
This was actually something I considered too. Dying isn't cheap. I don't want the burden of everything to fall on my kids and I have no way of knowing if I'll fall on hard times when I get old. At least now the majority of this is done.
There's space for me, my name and most of what needs to go down is down and I have my wishes already locked in too just in case. Also I'm very sorry for your losses.
reallynotsohappy wrote:
NTA. This is a hard thing what you did and I can't imagine how you must have felt. This sounds like you found a way to handle your grief and still be with your wife. We have a family plot. My grandpa bought it before most of us were born. We had it for 35+ years. 10 years ago, municipality required us to put something (headstone with just surname or something) so it would be obvious it's owned.
There is a superstition about writing a name like that, so in order to not burden my family, I put my name on the plaque. My grandpa passed away recently and his gravestone is there next to the plaque. I was contacted a few times by the cemetery to see if I want the plaque removed. I decline every time because it gives me a peace of mind to think he's not that alone there.
JazPrncess1 wrote:
NTA. My brother died at 17 which required my parents to buy burial plots. When my dad died 7 years later, my mom purchased a headstone and had her name placed on next to my dad’s with just her date of birth. It’s not a bad thing.
IllustriousEnd2055 wrote:
I have a relative who was a widow and she married a widow. When each died, they were buried next to their first spouse. They knew ahead of time since both had their names on their late spouse’s gravestones. It might’ve been an issue if one of them had never had been married before.
Just because your name is written in stone doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. You can be buried elsewhere and just have the date of death engraved on your late wife’s stone, or the stone can be re-etched with another relative’s name if you need the plot next to your wife.