'I'm questioning my relationship with my fiancée after her sister accused her of cheating. AITA?' UPDATED

"I'm questioning my relationship with my fiancée after her sister accused her of cheating on me. AITA?"

I'm (28M) having a real fight with my fiancée (30F) right now. I've never felt so unsure in our relationship. I need an outside perspective. Some context, we're college sweethearts. She's always been there. She's my first love and best friend.

She's my other half atp. We're in the thick of wedding planning. My fiancée pretty much has the same friend group from college. I get along with them, but they're mostly her friends. Our most consistent fight is with one particular friend (30M) who I'll call Caleb.

I'm not upset about her having a guy friend. My issue is the lack of boundaries and respect. This dude doesn't know boundaries, nor does he respect our relationship. He's always out of pocket, giving lingering hugs or finding some excuse to touch her, and he just hovers. He gifted her jewelry once for her birthday. Even during dates, he'll hit up her phone. He looks like a guy who's waiting to come off the bench.

I've expressed my concerns about him. For the most part, my fiancée brushes me off. She'll say I'm being insecure, that he's her oldest friend, and that I should trust her. Recently, my fiancée and her sister/maid of honor (29F), who I'll call Kat for clarity, had a bad falling out. I only knew some nasty stuff was said, and that Kat had accused her of being a bridezilla and a bad sister.

They've fought before, but never anything like this. My fiancée kicked Kat out of the wedding. The other day, Kat reached out to me about my fiancée being untruthful. She claims that at the group's New Year's Eve party, my fiancée made out with Caleb at midnight and later left with him.

Usually, my fiancée and I spend NYE together, but I couldn't get the time off this year. Apparently Caleb was laying it on thick with my fiancée the entire party, and she entertained his advances. My fiancée ignored Kat's attempts at talking her down. She said my fiancée said it was her "last New Year's before lockdown," lockdown referring to being married.

It was a lot to process. My initial instinct was to shut Kat down. Despite our issues with Caleb, I did trust my fiancée, but I couldn't ignore how much Kat's story matched my doubts. That night, we were supposed to FaceTime at midnight, but she was ghost. She was ghost that whole night, and she's been weird ever since. Idk then right after the party, she's been implementing boundaries with Caleb.

Kat admitted she initially covered for my fiancée. She pushed her to come clean before the wedding, and that's the real reason they fell out. She felt I deserved the truth. I didn't say much. I was too numb to really feel anything. I didn't rush to confront my fiancée, but she could tell I was off and kept asking. When I did confront her, she was all over the place.

She went into a whole Kat rant, but I told her this was her chance to tell her own story. She asked me to promise to hear her out before confessing to flirting and the kiss with Caleb but swore nothing else happened and that she didn't refer to us getting married as lockdown.

I asked her why Kat would tell the truth about her making out with Caleb, which alone thoroughly crossed the line, but lie about everything else. She insists Kat's trying to sabotage our relationship and that she's a jealous brat. She said the kiss meant nothing. She was caught up in the moment. I'm the one she wants to be with.

She promised to do anything to regain my trust, including cutting Caleb fully off. She said we're starting our lives together, we're what matters, and I shouldn't let Kat come between us. I wasn't receptive to her. We fought, and I told her I needed space to think. Ever since, she's been super affectionate. She still swears she didn't hook up with Caleb and that Kat's sabotaging.

But I can't ignore what I already know and the possibility of everything else Kat said being true. My world has crashed down. The wedding's all set. It's around the corner. I feel so numb. I'm in love with my fiancée. She's my best friend, but I'm questioning everything. Idk what to believe anymore. I feel like an idiot. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Rawrbez wrote:

The thing is, Kat isn’t sabotaging the relationship. Your fiancée made out with another man you’ve already told her you’re uncomfortable with and wasn’t going to tell you about it. Your fiancée sabotaged this relationship and she’s not taking responsibility for it. How do you know she won’t ’get caught up in the moment’ in the future with someone else at this point.

Whether they just kissed or kissed and screwed doesn’t matter, cheating is cheating. She told you not to worry about this guy and that you could trust her and then she turned around and made out with him.. and she ghosted all night… not just at midnight.. why would Kat lie when the kiss was already cheating? NTA.

If the two of you and your lives together were what mattered, she wouldn’t have hooked up with Caleb. And she’ll do it again because she’s only sorry she got caught. They had a falling out BECAUSE she was going to just cheat and not tell you and Kat didn’t think that was right. At least if you marry her, you’ll go in knowing she’s a cheater.

rem_au_crema wrote:

Let’s say you stay, because love is unpredictable and sometimes super nightmarish: you can never really trust another human being to prioritize anything but what they want at any given moment. If you stay, are you ever going to be able to let go of what happened, what you think happened, and what you think she’s keeping from you?

Are you ever going to reconcile what she’s capable of, now that you it’s on the table, with yourself? Is every late arrival, missed text, new friend or phone habit going to gnaw at you? Are you going to become angry and start a fight? Will it upset you that she doesn’t see it from your side?

What about when he inevitably pops back into her life? What about when she tells you that it was such an insignificant thing and you should get over it, you’re being controlling? What if she doesn’t mention it to you at all? You’re not going to know the person you’ll be until you have to be that person. Idk if you’ve ever dealt with infidelity before, but… it’s a lot more than love and sunk costs.

Glamorous_Angel wrote:

The sister knew the whole time, I’m surprised she didn’t say anything sooner. It’s weird how when people have a falling out, all the secrets start to come out. Your fiancé kissing someone else is really what you need to look at.

I would NEVER ever in a million years kiss another man, even my best friend whom i’ve been friends with since 7th grade. (16 years ago) I make sure my husband is secure and if he’s ever unsure of him, i’ll cut him off, but they’re good friends as well. She didn’t even tell you they kissed, so now she’s keeping things from you, and I can imagine there’s more where that came from

MyLuckSucksBigTime wrote:

She's not upset she cheated...she is upset she got caught. Cut your losses, move on. I can imagine how violated your sense of trust is. That is a hard wound to heal.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared an update:

Thank you to everyone who reached out and for sharing your own experiences. I (28M) found the outside perspective I needed. I wanted to give an update. I knew I wasn't going to get a clearer picture from my fiancée's (30F) friend group/bridesmaids. We get along, but they're more her friends, and they have this thing on loyalty to each other. They aren't telling me anything at her expense.

I wasn't approaching Caleb (30M) either because I don't have the patience for a civil conversation with him. He always had this "Is it something I said?" attitude about him regarding my fiancée. He's not worth it. So I talked to Kat (29F) again. I trusted her most because we're actually friends. I was friends with her before I met my fiancée.

Kat said my fiancée avoided talking about New Year's Eve, especially over text. Most of their arguments were in person, but she showed me texts from shortly after NYE where my fiancée alluded to hooking up with Caleb in his car that night. She texted how "it's in her past now, and she's embracing the future."

Everything my fiancée already confessed to was painful enough, but idk seeing those texts made it real in a way it wasn't before. There was regret in her texts, but it didn't make me feel better. I confronted my fiancée again, and I knew immediately by her eyes. She came clean on everything. She thought Kat deleted those texts.

As the wedding got close, she worried she was missing out on stuff her single friends indulged in. She sought validation from Caleb and fooled around with him on NYE. In her own words, she had a temporary high when he chased her but felt worse about herself after their hookup.

She claims that NYE showed her what was important and that she wasn't missing out on anything. She was reassured about the path we chose. I was too numb to talk. I only listened. She kept asking me to say something, but I couldn't. Up until this point I gave her my all, and it wasn't enough. I felt her actions spoke plenty.

She kept apologizing. She said Caleb was her biggest regret, and she didn't want to lose me over him. She still tried ranting about Kat's motives not being noble. I told her Kat's motive doesn't matter nor change the truth. Kat's the only one who's been honest with me.

She asked if I could find it in myself to move past this. She said she loves me, and she's fully committed to us. She said Caleb means nothing to her, and he'll have no place in her life anymore. She wants our life together.

I couldn't tell her what she wanted. I told her I was calling off the wedding and I needed space. I try not to make major decisions while my emotions are high. Doing so has never been good, but I can't go through with the wedding. She was against canceling. She said this isn't how our story goes, and she's still the same woman I wanted to marry. She asked me not to give up on us.

But the same way her mind was made up on NYE, my mind was made up on this decision. At first, she refused to let me leave. She clung to me and even jumped into my car. She cried a lot. I've never seen her this way. It felt wrong to leave her like that. My first instinct was to comfort her, but I couldn't. I've been hurt before, but she hurt me deeply in a way only she could.

I was so sure of our relationship. She was my partner in every sense. In my heart I was already committed to our vows. The actual wedding was just the public declaration for me. We've been together since I was eighteen. Our lives are entwined in every way. We built a whole life together. Sometimes she'd act so superior about our relationship compared to those of her friends.

She says she's still the same person I love. But the fact is our love wasn't enough for her not to cross that line with Caleb. I'm not sure if I can move past this. All of our family/friends have been informed of the cancellation. I was embarrassed, but I just plainly stated infidelity on her part. I didn't have it in me to keep retelling the story.

Everyone's been understanding. I still feel guilty. Some have limited means and already spent money and took time off work. I feel bad. Our relationship had a lot of support from our families. People who wanted to show up for us, and she threw everything away for Caleb.

My fiancée's parents reached out advocating for me and my fiancée to reconcile, but I haven't replied yet. I'm not in the headspace. I considered her family my family. I feel like I lost them too.

Idk how we went from being about to get married and discussing our honeymoon to the whole world being on fire. Idk where to go or what the future holds. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks again to everyone for the support and for hearing me out without judgment. It means a lot.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Straight-Donut829 wrote:

It's okay. Grieve for a bit. Take time away from everyone. Please don't reconcile. we settle for things like this from the outside world blah blah...you will always have bad thoughts....you won't look at her the same everything you thought about will always be questioned. I wish you nothing but success in your future endeavors!

seidinlove wrote:

Good for you, OP. Of course, still NTA. This says it all:

“She says she's still the same person I love. But the fact is our love wasn't enough for her not to cross that line with Caleb. I'm not sure if I can move past this.”

People who have been in your position say that it does get better, slowly, day by day. Please consider counseling for yourself.

Euphoric-Locksmith84 wrote:

NTA. When you are not sure about someone’s true thoughts and feelings focus on their actions not their words. Her actions were to cheat on you, hide it, lie to you, never tell you till you have receipts, then want to rug sweep it. Don’t believe her words you know her true feelings for you by her actions.

[deleted] wrote:

As someone who has been in a (vaguely kind of) similar situation, I just want to validate you and acknowledge that there is an extra special hurt that comes from it happening with the person they kept telling you “wasn’t a threat”. 🩷