Groom-to-be sick fiancée and her family excluding disabled brother; 'she was embarrassed to have my brother there.' AITA?
"AITA for questioning my relationship with my fiancée because I think she’s embarrassed of my family?"
kamagwii
I (29M) have been with my fiancée (33F) for 3 years. We met while I was working in the U.S. We've been engaged for a few months. Wedding plans are for fall of next year. Our parents share the same cultural background. I have a brother (31M) with Down syndrome. She has no siblings.
I didn't talk too much about my family for the first year of our relationship. This was for no specific reason. They just weren't there. She knew my background though, and that my brother had Down syndrome.
My fiancee comes from a lot of money, whereas my family and I are middle-class. My parents run a restaurant in my country and my brother is employed by them. When I was younger, I used to do all the deliveries with my brother and he took over that job completely when I left for university.
I love my brother, and when I talk about him, I don't focus on his disability. To me, he's just my brother. When I talk about him or recount a story from my past, I just tell it.
It's not necessary to mention he is disabled every time. One of the things my fiancée has used against me in an argument is that I 'downplayed' his disability because I talked about him so casually.
She first met my family during year 2 of our relationship. She met my brother and he was nothing but gentlemanly towards her. He gave her a gift, bowed to her and refused to drop formal speech.
His quirk was that he was overly respectful and made himself available in case she needed anything. This was just his way of being hospitable and I couldn't talk him out of relaxing. My fiancée didn't complain about anything to me or express she was uncomfortable.
During her three-week visit, there was probably only a handful of small occasions where my brother accompanied us. These were things like sharing a few meals and wandering around afterward because he wanted to be our guide.
When I was younger, I could tell my brother something like....'find me a quiet place where no one will bother me' and he would be able to take me to the perfect spot. You could get as specific as you want.
This is one of his talents and I challenged my fiancée to describe somewhere she wanted to go so he could take us there. I remember her asking me if he could leave (after he took us to a place). I thought she just wanted to be alone with me. Now I feel like it was because she was embarrassed to have my brother there with us.
Between that first visit and our engagement, there aren't any other interactions that I can think of. It makes me feel like her reaction has come on suddenly. I don't understand it. I'm confused.
After we got engaged, I suggested we elope because I'm just that kind of person. I don't care about weddings. I have been teasing her from day one to just run away with me.
She said she would like a proper wedding because she is an only child and her parents would like to see her get married. I told her if it's important to her, it's important to me.
Our families met recently. Her parents met my brother for the first time. While we were taking photos, my fiancée's mom insisted on taking a lot of photos of just me with my fiancée's family and a few with my parents, excluding my brother from a lot of group photos.
It wasn't apparent at first that this was happening until my dad approached me on the sidelines and whispered 'does it feel like they don't want (my brother) in the photos?'.
I didn't want to acknowledge something like this was happening so I told my dad that can't be true. I made a stupid joke about how it's probably because they want photos with their future son-in-law more and kept my focus on making sure everything went well that night. Well, I thought it did.
My fiancée and I went back to her place after this and nothing was wrong- we were in the middle of undressing and I said something like 'I can’t wait for all of this (wedding stuff) to be over so I can have you to myself'.
She said something back like 'me too.. so I can have you to myself...and you won't have to deal with your brother'. This spoiled the mood for me. I thought it was a strange thing to say so I kind of reacted coldly. I asked her what does that mean?
She started caressing my face and hair and stuff, telling me she knows it must be hard. I probably feel very burdened about having a disabled sibling, but when I settle in the U.S. with her I can finally have a life of my own.
This started an argument. I got a bit heated and mentioned him being excluded from photos. She didn't acknowledge it but she didn't deny it either. She defended her mom and said she is probably just uncomfortable being around 'someone like that'.
I challenged her statement. She got upset and asked me to drop it and come to bed. I told her I'm leaving and I went to stay with my parents. I didn't have the heart to explain why I showed up so I just put on a face and said I wanted to spend time with them.
My fiancée and I have been distant for days. She's reached out a few times...I need time. It's just...there's something tugging at the back of my brain telling me that she and her family are embarrassed by my family.
There's no clear sign, but the feeling is there after this recent interaction between our families and our argument. My friends think it's just cold feet because things are getting real. I don't think it's that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Lustful_aura
Nope. Your concerns about how your fiancée views your brother and family are valid. Her comment about "not having to deal with your brother" and defending her mother’s exclusion of him in photos raise red flags about her attitude toward your family, especially your brother.
Natural_Writer9702
Shame all that money couldn’t buy them an ounce of class.
SeraphineBlooms
NTA. You're being observant and sensitive to your brother's treatment, which is really admirable. Family should be about acceptance and inclusion, not exclusion based on someone's abilities. It’s important that your fiancée and her family understand and respect this fundamental value as well.
Savings_Eggplant_328
If she can’t fully accept where you come from, how is she going to handle your future together? Love isn’t about filtering out the parts of someone’s life that don’t fit your perfect picture. Trust your gut—this isn’t “cold feet,” it’s her showing her true colors.
Glad-Employment7707
If her family is already excluding your brother from photos and she’s casually dismissing his presence, that’s not cold feet—it’s disrespect. You’re marrying into her family, but they’re also marrying into yours. If she can’t respect your brother now, what happens down the line when it’s not just photos but life decisions?