'AITA for how I reacted to my girlfriend going to her ex’s birthday party without telling me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for how I reacted to my girlfriend going to her ex’s birthday party without telling me?"

Hey internet. I’m 29M and I’ve been dating my girlfriend “Lena” (27F) for about 10 months. Things have been great overall—she’s funny, smart, independent, and we’ve talked about maybe moving in together next year. No major issues until this weekend.

So here’s what happened:

On Saturday, Lena told me she was going out with a few friends from college. Cool, no problem I had plans to watch the game with my brother anyway.

But the next day, I saw a photo on one of her friend’s Instagram stories. The caption said: “Happy birthday, Jason!”

I recognized Jason. He’s her ex. The one she dated for about three years and broke up with about a year before we met. They were pretty serious from what I’ve gathered. I never made a big deal about it because she told me they’re on decent terms but “not really close.”

So naturally, I asked her later that night, “Hey, were you at Jason’s birthday thing?” She looked a little surprised and said yeah, but quickly followed up with “It wasn’t a big deal, it was a group thing, and I didn’t think it mattered.”

I didn’t raise my voice or accuse her of anything, I just said I wished she’d mentioned it beforehand. She got kind of defensive and said I was “making something out of nothing” and that it’s not like she was hiding it.

But…she kind of did hide it? I mean, I don’t want to be controlling, and I know people stay friends with their exes, but the fact that she didn’t even mention she was going to his birthday rubs me the wrong way. It just feels off.

I’m not accusing her of cheating or anything, but I can’t shake the feeling that she intentionally kept it vague so I wouldn’t ask questions. She said she didn’t think I’d care, but the whole thing just makes me feel kind of...sidelined.

So AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Substantial_baker479 wrote:

I wouldn’t be bothered if she was upfront. Generally it’s reasonable to ask permission of your partner, if that’s okay with your relationship dynamic to hang out with exes.

Some people have great relationships with exes that don’t have to be romantic, but it can be weird for their partners if they don’t talk about it like a responsible partner would. And if after asking it isn’t cool, great, now two people know they have different ideas of how relationships work, and that’s helpful to know. If it isn’t cool, great, y’all are compatible.

It’s still something someone should ask, not hide, and that’s what I’m emphasizing here. Not asking or not even mentioning it, makes something that is otherwise not suspicious, very suspicious. Orange-reddish flag. I don’t know her well enough to outright call it a red flag, she could just be stupid. (Sorry for bluntness).

OP responded:

The thing is I didn't know they were still in contact. This is how I found out they in fact still are.

mancusjo1 wrote:

I wouldn’t be concerned and yes you are overreacting if it was a group bday party. It sounds like there were a lot of mutual friends there? She didn’t want to tell you because she knew you’d flip a little.

So she wasn’t telling you because of that. Not because of cheating or any of that. If I were you I’d talk to her about how it makes you feel, uncomfortable, right or wrong. Not because of the party but because she kept it from you.

That’s all that matters. And if she had just told you upfront, then It wouldn’t be an issue. But Would it have been? Would you’ve really been no problem if you knew the birthday party beforehand? Do you think she’s a cheater like every single guy on here is telling you? Any other signs, secretive phone texts, how’s your sex life, does she go out with friends a lot?

OP responded:

It's definitely more about the not telling me. If she had told me I seriously wouldn't have mind it. But it's also more the fact that I didn't know she was still in contact with him.

Gashorn9541 wrote:

OP. I didn't even read the entire post at first. Just by the title, you are NOT overreacting. If she is willing to hide stuff like this from you, what else could she possibly be capable of hiding in the future? This is fundamental relationship stuff, if she doesn’t respect you enough to be straight forward then how could you possibly last throughout the years?

Eight hours later, OP shared an update.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I didn’t expect the post to blow up the way it did, and honestly, I’ve spent the last few hours sitting with it all. A few comments really stuck with me especially the ones that pointed out it’s not necessarily about where she went, but how she handled it.

I ended up bringing it up when she came over this evening. Nothing dramatic. I just said I’d been thinking about it and that it bothered me not even the party itself, but the fact that she didn’t mention it. She didn’t seem surprised that I brought it up. There was a bit of an eye-roll at first, but she didn’t push back much. Mostly quiet. The energy in the room shifted right away.

She said something vague about not wanting it to be a thing. Not much of an apology, more like trying to smooth it over and move on quickly. And maybe that’s what I’m doing too, in my own way. Afterward, we kind of just…moved around each other for the rest of the evening. She left very quickly after that. And right now I'm reading comments on my original post.

I’m not sure where I land on all of this. Nothing exploded. But it also didn’t feel resolved. She didn’t seem interested in understanding why it bothered me just in making sure it didn’t mess with the vibe. It’s not a breakup-level thing. Not yet. But it does feel like something shifted in our relationship. That’s all for now. Just figured I’d follow up. Thanks again.

The internet continued to share their responses.

ApricotBig6402 wrote:

Idk how that's not break up worthy. She didn't tell you because she didn't want it to be a thing means that she knew it was going to be an issue for you. That it might cross a boundary so she didn't give you a heads up. It was 1000% thought out, methodical, intentional....

She is gaslighting and manipulating you. She's using what you said when confronting her to try to justify why she hid it. "See this is why I couldn't tell you" type of s#$t. She sees nothing wrong with this which is why you don't feel it's resolved - because it isn't resolved.

She wanted to go, didn't care that you wouldn't be okay with it and now wants to move on with no consequences. She will also just hide it better next time if you do let it go. She got away with it if that's the case after all. She's proven she only cares about herself. She doesn't care about your feeelings because she clearly considered you would be upset and did it anyway!

If the roles were reversed she would likely break up with you. Yet she will repeat in the future again to please herself. She has shown you exactly who she is. This type of lesson is only learned when you face consequences. It sounds like there have been and likely will be zero (because you sound ready to stay). Prepare yourself for the repeat behaviour and further gaslighting.

stunneddisbelief wrote:

Something HAS shifted in your relationship - your ability to trust her.

The fact that she admitted that she didn’t want it “to be a thing” means she absolutely knew it would bother you, at least to some degree, so she decided to hide it from you. As others have said, the eye rolling is incredibly disrespectful.

She didn’t seem surprised when you brought it up again, which is another indication that she knew it would bother you, and that’s why she didn’t tell you. So, now you’ve lost trust. And the next time she goes somewhere without you, don’t be surprised if part of you is wondering if the ex is there again.

If you start asking her about the guest list every time she goes out, you’ll probably still wonder if she’s telling you everything. And, she’ll turn it around on you again, telling you that you’re being controlling, She won’t even offer you an actual apology. Why not? At the end of the day, only you can decide if you’ll ever be able to fully trust her again. With the way she’s treated this situation so far, I wouldn’t be able to.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

Figured I’d give one last update, even though things didn’t really go the way I hoped. Things between me and Lena never really got back to normal after that night. We had a few awkward conversations in the days after—nothing explosive, but I could tell there was tension. She kept saying I was overthinking it, that it wasn’t that deep, but the way she avoided the topic or brushed it off just made me feel worse.

The whole situation stuck with me more than I expected. It wasn’t even about the party itself anymore, it was more how she handled it. It became pretty clear we look at communication in relationships really differently. I felt like I couldn’t fully trust her to be upfront, and once that feeling crept in, it was hard to shake. We ended up having a more serious talk this past weekend.

She admitted she didn’t tell me about the party because she “knew how I’d react” — which kind of confirmed the whole point for me. I don’t want to be with someone who feels like they need to hide things to keep the peace. We didn’t fight. It was more of a mutual, quiet decision to end things. Just…felt like we were on different pages, and forcing it wasn’t going to help either of us.

It sucks, obviously. I didn’t want it to go this way. But in hindsight, I’m glad I trusted my gut. That uneasy feeling never really went away, and I think I’d rather deal with the short-term hurt now than drag this out. Appreciate everyone who gave advice. Helped me see it a bit clearer. That’s all. Not much more to say.

The comments kept coming in response.

Thestorytellinsiren wrote:

Her statement strikes me as odd because from what I've gathered, you seem like a pretty calm, level-headed guy. You even said that you never made a big deal out of her still being "cool" with her ex and that up to this point, yall didn't have any major issues - such as dramatic, emotional fights.

So why is it then that she "knew that this is how you would react"? gGiven the facts, shouldn't it have been more likely you'd react in a pretty tame way, had she been straight up with you right away?

The reaction she's referring to isn't the one she would have gotten had she been honest - it's the one she got because she wasn't. It's a pretty lame and dishonest excuse imo. I'm sorry your relationship ended this way - and so abruptly, too. Wishing you all the best and hopefully, you'll get over it sooner than later. Take care!

Any-Expression2246 wrote:

"She admitted she didn’t tell me about the party because she “knew how I’d react”

That's the go to response of someone who isn't being honest in a relationship.

She wouldn't have liked it if you did it to her, but instead of being honest about her plans that evening, she decided to play keep away with the information knowing it's not a good look on her part and didn't want to be called out on it.

albino_red_head wrote:

It's for the better. She KNEW that spending time with her ex was going to be off limits. And yes I get that people stay friends but it doesn't make it any less disrespectful, especially if she hides it. She did hide it.

Also I read your first post and this part: " I never made a big deal about it because she told me they’re on decent terms but “not really close.” That's bullshit my friend. She lied about that, too. They're very close still.

Why is she going to his birthday celebration at all (and lying to you about it) if they're not close? I could see keeping a little white lie about bumping into the guy at Starbucks, who cares. But she pretended like they don't keep in touch and then lied and went to sit in his lap on his birthday. Sound about right? Good, it's over and you should feel happy for it.