Deaf man mocked by best friend’s wife when she 'forgets' to order him food. 'He's so quiet!' AITA?
"AITA? I refuse to acknowledge my best friend's wife."
I (24M) have been having issues with my best friend's (23M) wife (20F) for months now. From the first day we met she judged me. First, it was because I couldn't attend their wedding. I was working remotely in a different country at the time. I apologized profusely and ordered them a pizza oven for a wedding gift.
These were little remarks that my girlfriend (23F) could hear in the background of our phone calls. She would write down what she heard for me since I'm deaf. My phone is capable of translating audio calls into text on my screen, but it can only pick up so much and for the most part I rely on context clue.
It had gotten more ridiculous when I returned to the states and finally met her. She didn't realize that I was deaf. She started yelling (for the record we can tell) and ignored my girlfriend who tried to explain that yelling is rude to do. It's much easier to read lips when you speak normally.
Any other time when we would met up (which I made sure wasn't often) she wouldn't look at me when speaking. She was relying on my girlfriend to translate which my girlfriend shouldn't have to do. I'm capable of reading lips. Again, also rude to do even if I had s certified translator with me.
Last night, game night broke the final straw for me. His wife offered to order dinner for all of us. When the driver dropped of the delivery she didn't order anything for me.
She apologized and said, "Well I forgot he was here since he's so quiet." I never been embarrassed to be deaf until that moment. Which is saying a lot, because I was born deaf.
My girlfriend shared her dinner with me. I ignored his wife for the rest of the night and we called it early. My girlfriend lied and told them she had an important meeting to prepare for.
His wife (I think he asked her to) had been texting me with half baked apologies that I have been ignoring. This caught the attention of my best friend who texted me asking why I was being mean and ignoring her.
That she was sorry for what happened and that she wasn't lying about me being quiet. He told me that I shouldn't get so butthurt over a few comments. I have been ignoring him too.
I don't think making fun of me or the deaf/hard of hearing community is funny. AITA for acting sensitive to this and ignoring them both? I don't want to throw away our friendship, but I feel like it's for the best. My girlfriend is supportive of removing ourselves from them or for forgiving them and moving forward.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"That she was sorry for what happened."
No she wasn't. And even if she were, you are more important than she is. Take care of yourself first. NTA.
Sorry bud, you no longer have a best friend in that individual. You just have someone u used to know, married to a bully who is also a B. It's time to move on. Your best friend has watched his wife do all these things to you and says u should not be butt hurt over comments? He does not see anything wrong with her behaviour which means he sees you as the problem. Cut them out and move on. NTA.
Just to be clear that slight at forgetting to get you food because you’re “quiet” was intentional, no way she forgets you but remembers your girlfriend.
Drop that friendship fast as hell. His wife is ignorant & your friend is compliant. No way.
The wife sounds like a PITA. Your girlfriend sounds like a keeper, though.
NTA. And your friend is so gross for not defending you. I understand standing by your partner. But it is okay to say “you’re crossing the line” I would go low contact. Life goes on. But he persists then I would just be honest. And if he cannot accept that then NC.
DeafOverHear (OP)
I don't mind the idea of going low contact. I don't want to forgive her though or him at the moment.
NTA, because she behaved terribly, but stories like these make me wonder about the connecting relationship. What was your best friend doing during all of this? Your gf shouldn’t have to teach his wife not to yell - he should have prepped her, maybe even practiced ahead of time, and been on top of correcting her so his best friend felt comfortable.
Then, when she forgot you when ordering food, it should have been a huge deal to him and your gf not been forced to share her food because he immediately ordered more or shared theirs or whatever.
And what kind of person is okay with their significant other making comments about their best friend and just hoping they couldn’t hear? My concern is that this best friend may not be the kind of best friend you deserve.
Sure, his wife is obtuse at best, but I’d make my decision on whether to give her a second chance dependent on how active your friend was in trying to correct his wife and fix the problems she caused. It may be time to let this one go and I’m really sorry about that.
DeafOverHear (OP)
That actually makes me think about where he was. Now that you framed it out for me I am starting to wonder if he actively chose to ignore her interactions with me. If that's the case, he's cruel.
NTA. She might have just been self absorbed and ignorant about communicating with deaf people until the food thing. To blatantly forget you then blame you for being """quiet""" is outright deliberate and malicious.
Tell your friend and the bigot she is damn lucky you are not making a bigger deal to get crucified for her ableism. Tell him to stop playing dumb and that he knows damn well what his wife has been saying about you behind your back and that you're disgusted at him for turning into the kind of person who defends discrimination to get laid.
You're definitely NTA. Your friend is close, though, and his wife definitely is. Your friend can make all of the excuses for his wife's behavior he wants, but the truth is she's uncomfortable around you and won't make any effort to adjust her reactions to your deafness.
She's young, and has probably never dealt closely with anyone different from herself before. But her outright rudeness and hostility makes her a definite AH. And your friend is just making excuses instead of calling her out on her behavior.
You can attempt to educate her, but until she develops some maturity, you're probably just beating your head against a wall. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP, it sounds like a sucky situation all around.