'AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding after what I overheard her say about me?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding after what I overheard her say about me?"
I (26F) need an outside perspective because my entire family is split and I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting or finally standing up for myself!
My sister “Emily” (30F) is getting married in 2 months. Growing up, we were never super close, she was always the golden child, (if you know you know) and I was kind of... just there. Not ignored per say, but definitely NOT celebrated the same way etc. Still I agreed to be a bridesmaid bc my mom BEGGED me and said it would “mean the world” to Emily.
Planning has been stressful, but nothing crazy, until last weekend....
Emily had a small bachelorette weekend at an airbnb. There were 7 of us total. And on the 2nd night, I went upstairs early bc I had a headache and wasnt feeling well. Around midnight I realized I left my charger downstairs so I went back down, quietly tho bc I didn't want to wake anyone who may have been asleep.
That’s when I overheard Emily talking to her maid of honor.
She didn’t know I was on the stairs.
She was drunk, laughing, and said: “I only asked her to be a bridesmaid so my mom would shut up. She's always ruining things anyway. I swear to god if she shows up looking for attention I’ll LOSE it!"
Her friend laughed and said something like “Well, at least you’ll look better next to her soo.”
Emily said “Exactly. It’s kind of a win win.”
I froze..... I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
For context: I’ve struggled with my confidence for years, especially compared to Emily. She KNOWS this. She’s made comments my whole life about my weight, my hair, my clothes and has always framed it as “helpful advice.”
I went back upstairs and didn’t say anything the rest of the weekend.
When we got home I sent her a message saying I was stepping down as a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be attending the wedding. I didn’t explain why at first, I just said I needed space and wished her the best.
(Edit for clarification) But after I stepped down she kept pushing for a reason, and why I stepped down and that it didn't make sense and that I was once again being dramatic as always. I didn’t tell her exactly what I heard, but I did tell her that I overheard a conversation at the bachelorette party that really hurt me. She put two and two together on her own after that. Then she lost it!
She called me crying, saying I was purposefully sabotaging her big day, that I was being dramatic, that “everyone says things they don’t mean when they’re drunk.” smh. My mom called me next and said I was punishing the whole family over a misunderstanding. My dad says I should “be the bigger person.”
Here’s where it gets worse.
Yesterday, Emily posted in the bridesmaids group chat (that I forgot I was still in) that she’s “heartbroken” I’m abandoning her and that she “never meant to hurt me.”
But she NEVER apologized. Not once. Now half my family is texting me saying I’m selfish, and the other half is telling me I finally did what they wish they had the courage to do. I haven’t responded to anyone yet.
AITA for refusing to go to her wedding after overhearing that conversation? I'm conflicted and don't know what to do. And part of me is telling myself that I am.
*edit: I’m going to take some of your alls advice! I will update soon.
Here's what people had to day to OP:
Commenter
NTA. "No, you didn't MEAN to hurt me, but you did. And you didn't bother to apologize. In vino veritas." (editor's note: In Latin, In vino veritas = in wine, there is truth)
OP responded:
I never knew what that saying meant, but now I do. Thank you. I truly appreciate it.
Commenter:
Your sister sounds like a two-faced y$nt….hindsight you should have recorded her saying all that garbage and sent it to your whole family and her fiancé….fuck em all
OP responded:
I WISH I did!!! My phone was dead that's why I was going to get my charger which lead to all this bs.
Commenter
I am so sorry OP. Your family sounds like they have taken you for granted for a long time now. Time to stand up for yourself. Be honest. They can choose to take it or leave it. It must really hurt. It will never stop until you make a stand. Ask for an apology and see what happens.
OP responded:
I’m trying really hard, its always been hard for me bc I hate confrontation and this is how things usually go. Somehow some way I'm always the bad guy no matter what I do, so most the time I don't even try. But I am now!
The next day OP updated the same post with this:
UPDATE: So firstly I want to say I don't really know how to update so I am doing it this way. Sorry if its not right. But WOW. I did not expect my post to blow up the way it did, and I’ve read almost everyones comments, and I wanted to clarify a few things and give an update because things have escalated and very quickly.
First, thank you to everyone who validated that what I overheard wasn’t “nothing.” I genuinely started questioning my own sanity after my family got involved its been rough and I've been drained.
Now for the update.
Emily showed up at my apartment unannounced about an hourish ago. Like Jesus can it get any worse. I was ignoring all of her calls and text so she thought this would be the next best thing to do. Like WHAT.
She said she wanted to “talk like adults” and “clear the air.” Well, against my better judgment I let her in.
At first she cried....A lot. (This is the usual go to just want to say) She said she felt attacked and that I am being unreasonable and that I'm trying to turn our family against her. Which IS NOT at all what is happening.
I let her speak until then, then I asked her directly if she remembered what she said at the bachelorette party, and she went quiet and just stared at me, it was awkward as heck. After that awkward long pause she admitted she remembered it, BUT said I “took it out of context"!!!!!
According to her, she didn’t mean that I always ruin things just that I “stress her out” because I’m “sensitive” and “need reassurance”. She said the comment about my looks was “obviously a joke” and that her friend “didn’t mean it that way.” I swear to god. It took everything in me not to LOOSE MY SHIT. I asked her WHY, if it was "harmless", did she never apologize?????
She said, and I’m not exaggerating, “Because apologizing would mean I did something wrong, and I didn’t.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
That’s when I told her I wasn’t coming to the wedding, PERIOD! And that she needed to leave my place NOW before I did something i regret (yes i know i let my anger get the best of me)
She snapped. She accused me of being jealous of her life, her relationship, and the attention she’s getting. She said I’ve “always played the victim” and that this was just another example.
Then she said something that honestly broke whatever was left of our relationship “You should be grateful I even included you. People would notice if you weren’t there.” I told her to leave, GTFO now, and that she was vile human being and she got uo slammed my door and left.
Now 20ish minutes ago my mom called me screaming! Apparently Emily told her I attacked HER, that I called her a narcissist, and that I threatened to “ruin the wedding”. None of that is true! But my mom will NOT listen to me no matter what i say, its like talking to a brick wall and it hurts.
My cousin (who was also at the bachelorette weekend) texted me, im talking with her now. She said she overheard the same conversation I did but even more was said than what I had heard.
According to her Emily also complained that I’d “look bad in photos" said she hoped I wouldn’t “get emotional and cry,” and joked about putting me at the end of the bridesmaid line so I’d be easier to CROP OUT!! Like I genuinely don't know how to handle my emotions rightnow. My cousin is apologizing for not telling me sooner and said she feels sick about it now.
So… yeah.
As of now I’m officially not attending the wedding, Emily has blocked me (good riddance honestly).
My mom says I’ve “destroyed the family” which I feel guilty for but like what else am I supposed to do?? AND I’m being uninvited from future family events unless I “fix this”
I still feel awful, but I don’t feel wrong. I guess I will update more tomorrow or whenever I can. Sleeping tonight is going to be rough. I’m being blown up and just need a damn break.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Commenter
Thanks for the update. Not surprised she started out crying (to get sympathy) then did a 180 and got mad (to make you back off), then piled on accusations (justification for what she claims she didn't mean) and finally whined to the rest of the family (always get her side of the story out first). Typical narcissistic behavior. You didn't call her a narcissist, but she's acting like one.
OP responded:
Yes!! I tried so hard to keep my composure, and sure I deff did say i didn't want to do anything i will regret, but I refrained from saying so much more, that I really wanted to say bc honestly I was just hoping that she would realize how much this hurts and how bad it is. But of course not, and now its going down hill even more.
Frustrating parents (especially the mom) for sure. Can see why Emily turned out the way she did.
Honestly, I'd have the cousin post in the family groupchat the extended version of the conversation she overheard, and let them deal with it themselves. If mum doesn't want people to think badly of her precious little angel, she should have raised her to be a good person.
Later OP updated the post again:
*edit: this happened 5 days ago. Im going to take some of your calls advice! I will update soon.
When we got home I sent her a message saying I was stepping down as a bridesmaid and wouldn’t be attending the wedding. I didn’t explain why, I just said I needed space and wished her the best. She lost it!
She called me crying, saying I was purposefully sabotaging her big day, that I was being dramatic, that “everyone says things they don’t mean when they’re drunk.” smh. My mom called me next and said I was punishing the whole family over a misunderstanding. My dad says I should “be the bigger person.”