'AITA for refusing to forgive my mom and uncle for what they did to my dad?'
"AITA for refusing to forgive my mom and uncle for what they did to my dad?"
When I (23f) was 9, my dad passed away in an accident. It was hard for me and my brothers (25m and 21m) because all of us were very close to dad. Mom was a SAHM so suddenly she was without support and things became really tough for us in the next few months.
After a year or so, our uncle (Dad's younger brother) contacted mom and began visiting us regularly. He took good care of us and helped out a lot. We all really liked him. He later asked mom out and she said yes.
It was strange to see her with him but we were young and wanted her to be happy. Our uncle also promised to take care of us. I did grow to see him as a step dad and loved him like that. They were married 3 years after dad died and they have 2 kids too.
My brothers and I really did love him and were happy for mom. We never felt like dad was replaced because both mom and uncle were very "respectful" about his place in our lives.
A few months ago, my brother (25m) was clearing out the attic at our old house and found mom's diary. Turns out mom had been having an affair with dad's brother for years and she admitted to seriously doubting whether all or any of us were really dad's or not. It was disgusting to learn about all this so many years later.
Dad had only recently learned of the affair and a few weeks later he was dead. I guess now I know why he suddenly became an al%$#@lic and decided to drive and drink despite having kids and always telling us to think of family before taking risky decisions.
My brother confronted mom and everything sort of blew up. Uncle tried to intervene but brother almost attacked him. It was unbelievable really. We had been a happy almost normal family for years since dad passed and now its completely wrecked. Both my brothers have cut off mom completely and any mention of them not being dad's results in them hurling all sorts of insults at mom.
My half siblings have become withdrawn and don't really talk to mom either. Most of our family is shunning her and our uncle. He keeps saying he just loved mom and nothing else. He tried saying he loved us whether we were his or not. But it only makes me feel more disgusted.
Mom recently called me and she was begging me to talk to my brothers and asking that we get back together and that we shouldn't throw away the family and home we'd built up over the years. She says she mourned dad for years and she was respectful of him for years before getting with uncle which I called bul^%$&t.
I told her I didn't want to see her and there is no way any of us can forgive her for what she did to dad. Mom said I was being needlessly cruel and it was vile to throw her out of our lives after she cared for us all these years. My bf agrees with her. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP and responses from OP:
You're not the a^%$ole for refusing to forgive your mom and uncle after discovering the betrayal; it's completely understandable to feel hurt and disgusted by their actions, especially given how it impacted your father's life and your family dynamics.
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
The thing is, mom and uncle were very good "parents" for the lack of a better word to me and my brothers. Uncle paid for all of our colleges and he made time and effort to come to all of our games and recitations.
he was there to witness our graduations and through all of it, we were really grateful to him. He really did take care of us when we were recoving from dad's passing and the hardships of daily life after that.
These were fond memories once and now it makes my skin crawl and I feel guilty for letting uncle stand in my dad's place so many times over the years. I feel like it makes me as bad as mom. We both gave my dad's place away to another man and I feel disgusted with myself.
You’re not ‘as bad’ as your mother. You had no idea that she and your uncle betrayed your father. You were a child who needed caregivers and your mother and uncle were those for you.
There was no way for you to know the truth at the time, and even if you had, it would have been very difficult for you as a child to change anything about your circumstances. A judge would have been very unlikely to take you away from your biological mother because you were upset and angry she betrayed your late father.
You didn’t choose your uncle over your dad, and the very least your mother and uncle owed him was to give his children a stable childhood after he passed away, which they did. It was possibly out of guilt because they drove him to drink and drive, but it gave you and your brothers stability nonetheless. You don’t owe them anything and you don’t owe your dad an apology either.
You’ve had a massive upheaval to your perception of your life and childhood, please talk to a professional therapist about how to work through this and reconcile it.
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
I keep thinking of what I would tell dad if I ever got to talk to him again. All these years I thought he'd be happy that we found a good father figure. I built my whole life around this thought.
That dad would be happy with us moving on and being happy. Now it feels like I betrayed him far worse than mom. He might just hate me for what I did. And I don't know what I'll do if dad hated me. The thought just keeps coming back to my mind. He definitely would hate me.
Uncle and mom did suggest therapy back when they got together (atleast when we thought they did) because they said things like this are hard for kids. They were so kind to me and my brothers.
We didn't need much therapy because we all loved uncle and everyone said how good it was that we were being taken care of. I really thought dad would be proud looking down on me for being so well adjusted. The thoughts are so cringy now it physically hurts.
NTA - Damn, this is rough! Mom is blaming you guys for breaking up a family, but that family was based on lies and she lied to you over years and never came clear. Your dad turning to al%$#l and die in a car crash for d^%$k driving and then you finding out, that his al%$#ol a%$#e started when he found out about his wife cheating on him with his brother makes everything so much worse!
They literally drove him into al$#@ol a)#$e, that lead to his untimely death, robbing you of your father! This is so awful! And both don't even own up on their mistakes "I only did it for love!" Nope! He did it for himself! Next thing you know: "But we are family!" so was your dad! And see what they did to him! Damn, ... I don't even have words ...
throwwramomhurt OP 's response:
Mom keeps saying that she was a good mom to us and frankly, uncle had almost taken over dad's place in our lives. But he took it slow with us and my brothers and I openly accepted him because he tried and was a good "parent" to us. I'd gladly have let him walk me down the isle even because I thought he was so kind to take us all in after dad's passing and dad would be happy that he had a brother like him.
Thinking about all the thoughts I had over the years about uncle and I feel so disgusted. I'm no better than mom basically. I too replaced my dad and it makes my skin crawl to think about it.
Mom keeps saying that its ungrateful and cruel to throw away years and years of love and care that uncle and her gave to us and my bf agrees to that. They're all saying that we should take all the years they cared for us as enough "compensation" for the hurt they caused dad which they still claim was unintentional.
I’m sorry, what? Compensation? That’s the most vile thing I’ve ever heard. Please tell me your BF isn’t the one who said this. I expect this BS from those cheating monsters, but the fact that your BF is of the same opinion is sickening.
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
My mom was the one to say it. My bf isn't so much agreeing to their words but more so telling me to not abandon my mom because he can't imagine suddenly "losing" all her children like my mom has.
I do talk to her but I haven't seen her in a month and my brothers have completely cut her off. My half siblings are still teenagers so they are in the house but mom says they don't really respond to her nor do they speak to her like they did before.
My bf's mom died a year ago so I guess I can see where his thought process is coming from? He's never pushed me to do anything. Just shared his thoughts.
" It was unbelievable really." You can say that again! Your mom is so foolish for keeping a diary with such explosive secrets
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
The funny thing is we all knew mom used to journal and keep diaries. That confession sat in our childhood home a these years and we never looked simply because we respected mom's privacy.
On few occasions mom herself let us have a few pages where she had written about our first words or dad setting up our birthday parties and stuff as memories to keep.
My brother decided to look through her diary simply to find something that he could give or make for her on her birthday. It was so simple it's stupid. Its baffling how we never found out anything early on.
"she was respectful of him for years before getting with uncle" I don't think the word "before" means what she thinks it means. NTA Dump the BF and tell him he's welcond to date her if he thinks she's so great!
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
I think she was talking about not seeing uncle for almost a year after dad's passing. She says she had ended their relationship and planned to remain a widow and just take care of us. But as life got hard, uncle decided to come back and try to help her and us. I think that's what mom means when she says she mourned dad.
That she was planning to remain loyal to him even after he died because she did love him. I'm not all sure. She's been all over the place.
My bf loved his mom and she passed away recently. He hasn't asked me to be one way or another. He just says it's sad that my mom suddenly "lost" all of her kids. He says he'd go mad if it was him in her place.
Timeline. If it is possible that your eldest brother could be the uncle’s then the affair was going on for at least 12 years prior to your Father’s death. 12 years!! 3 possible pregnancies. How long were they even married before the affair started?
You should all get your DNA tested so at least you know who your bio father is. If they could lie to all of you for all those years and instead of your mother divorcing your father, slowly cause his death, then that is not love. Not for anyone.
What was your mother getting from your father? If she loved the brother she should have gotten a divorce and married him. The brother should have spoken to your father rather than watching him kill himself.
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
I don't have any idea. I didn't read all the diary entries. Only my older brother did. He's also the one most affected by all this. He nearly strangled uncle when he tried to touch him. He told mom that only dad was his real dad and she was dead to him.
Mom says she was loyal to dad for a long time before and after his death. I cannot trust anything she says but my brother refuses to let me and my younger brother read all her thoughts. I have no idea how long the affair lasted, why is happened or when. Just that mom isn't sure who all 3 of our dad is.
I don't want to get any test done. I think I'll die if it says I'm not my dad's. My brother insists our dad was our real dad and he too refuses to get a test done. Mom or uncle never insisted on a test either because they say they love us either way.
Mom says she loved dad and was happy married to him. She said once that if dad was alive, she'd have never left him. Uncle too says he'd have never broken up our family if dad was still alive. I frankly don't understand their logic. Dad wasn't richer or more liked or anything compared to uncle. Atleast I never felt so.
NTA. Your mother and your uncle deliberately and willfully chose to have an affair. She admitted in her diary that she was not sure who the father was of all three of her children. Your mother and your uncle deliberately and willfully chose to lie to you and your siblings.
They would never have told you the truth. If anyone was needless cruel and vile, it is your Mother and your Uncle. Frankly, your mother, your uncle and your boyfriend can all go kick rocks barefoot. Has your mother or uncle even attempted to apologize? Do they even understand how wrong they are?
throwwramomhurt OP's response:
Mom seems to think it's a kind thing she did by not telling us about the past. She says she tried to make everyone happy and was a good mother to all of us and we should give her some grace. She insists dad was happy with her and she loved him. That she mourned him and it was insulting for us to call her any names.
My bf isn't pushing any of his thoughts onto me. He just expressed his opinions. He has been my biggest support throughout this time.